July 22, 2009
I am... often angered by things around me.. feel everything deeply like knives cutting me little by little.. things I hear, see, witness, come up against. The voice in my head has only just started to be my own and it's irritatingly quiet sometimes when I want to SHOUT!!!! Trying to be kind to myself though, and patient with where I am on my journey, doing what I can, where I am, with what I've got (to paraphrase Eleanor Roosevelt). I wonder what I have to offer?? Sometimes I write lists of things I like, or feel strongly about, as if I've just met me, and we're dating, getting to know each.. other? I've been asleep in my life. Unaware of my body, its rhythms and cycles, ignoring discomfort and pleasure.. afraid to come alive and really feel. Seems like all I do now is feel strong things and name them. Sit with the feeling. I wonder if the things I've been spending energy on are really draining me.. one-way streets?? And craving connection with things going on that are bigger than me, and hearing about how other women are living. How free are they? How free am I?