November 29, 2013
The Best way to define myself.....
“ Listen to everything, to the birds, to that cow calling. Learn about everything in yourself, because if you learn from yourself about yourself, then you will not be a second-hand human being” –Jiddu Krishnamurthi-
It is me, who always asked my Mom to stop blowing the lamp at night. I wanted to study, to study my school homework, but electric board has cut the power of my house. Actually, we hadn’t paid three months electric charges to the government. It is fair to cut the power for my home according to the rules of power and energy ministry. However, it is not fair to blow this lamp at night because I have to study to color our future, to get the light for ever for my house, to see each other clearly even at night. That is what I wanted.
Lamp light was limited. It was unstable. It was shaky. My painful eyes were tired after reading tiny letters through lamp light. To keep the lamp light even 3 or 4 hours my mom had to put at least 500ml oil. Oil is expensive, so she wanted to preserve them. Whenever I gave up reading or studying at night my father used to sing a Falk poem.
“Ullata singawath rasa nathi kawilikaka
Walkola bima athuwa nidi nolaba duk thaka,
Kalgiya redi warali ada dali kunen waka,
Almen akuru uganiw ediriwada thaka…..”
“No matter if you do not have delicious food, but sucking your dried fingers….No matter if you do not have a bed to sleep, but sleeping on the cold floor…No matter if you do not have new dress to wear, but wearing this old clothes…Learn well….. Putting...Your...great...effort to this Education….”
When my father sings this last part of the poem, his voice struggled to spit out it, it was shaking, breaking the rhythm, but mixing with his invisible tears and heavy emotions... Hardly, it flowed. Then for few minute silent rules the night. Now, I start to study again, because my father expected to see me, with my books, beside this lamp light. My mom behind me, leaning to the wall, looking at me like my shadow, but I do not try to see her face, because I know, her eyes have been turned to a little pond and her cheeks have been turned to red tomatoes.
Frankly, I do look at my books, but my mind looks at my father and mother. I pray for god to control my tears, hide my tears and make them dry in my eyes. Except me no one wants to spend their time at night, because they believed night is too long. But the night, the lamp and my books make shorter my dreams. They turned my dreams to reality. They directed my life to the success. I studied, I learned and I understood the aspects which related to our lives, to make our lives to a bitterguade and to make our lives to a sweet melon.
Some years we got electricity only for five six months, the other months we were in dark. Dark is familiar to me. I’m very fond of the dark and dark taught me to find the light. I assumed this as a natural punishment which we cannot control ourselves. When some students were learning, studying and navigating their world with laughing, I navigated my world through father and mother’s night tears. Dark night became a bright future. Tears became laughter; uneducated parent’s daughter became an educator.
Some difficulties work as punishments in our lives, because it is painful and hard to tolerate at that moment, but what I learned through this punishment are confident, courage and competition. When poverty worked as a punishment, parent stranded as stimulation. I creep to reach for my goal even it is painful. I believe that this education changed my life; it carried me to another world which has many facilities including power. Education transformed my dreams into reality. Education added a value to my life. I realized it myself and that reminds me a great line of Jiddu Krishnamurthi which says “..But if you now begin to think, to observe, to learn, not from books, but learn for yourself by watching, listening to everything that is happening around you, you will grow up to be a different human being - one who cares, who has affection, who loves people”