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MARRIAGE

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issues of endurance in a marriage bring about alot of conflict, emotions and it is a series of unsolved or unanswered questios.

What Enie posted on what should be done in such a case of abuse, and the way she left it hanging is a clear indication that the issue is an Etical Dilema.
Recently a family I know lost a female child who was 26 yrs of age to spouse abuse, every time the lady came to complian to the mother that she was being abused the mother encouraged her to go back and said it was a passing phase_ I agree, only that the phase only came to a halt when she died.
Please we have suffered enough, IF THE PAIN EXCEEDS THE PLEASURE, LEAVE THE SITUATION.

Comments

Lisa's picture

tough choices

As many powerful women have written on PulseWire, leaving a violent situation can be scary as well. For women who have been able to leave their marriages, what have been your greatest sources of support? Have they been family, friends, co-workers, social services, or organizations?

With love to all the incredible women worldwide,

Lisa

Sharo's picture

Tough choices

I can't agree with you more on your school of thought.
Indeed, leaving a violent relationship may be scary because of the threats given to the victim.
I guess this gives us more reason to speak out and create hope for the troubled women out there.

Maybe we can be the support that they need so that they know that they hav a choice.

yudith listiandri's picture

believing yourself

I believe that love would give you wings (for you to fly and feel free), not chains (that tie you inside and make you suffer).
It must be very hard to leave, but please believe in yourself, you deserve better than that.
You are the one and only to make change of your life.
Having a child in this kind of situation can also be a dilemma, but you do not want your child to imitate his father behavior. Communicate and share feeling with your child would help.

Yudith

Sharo's picture

Believe in yourself

what makes a woman stay on inthe relationship is I guess they believe in themselves enough to think they will change the situation.
It is true, the child becomes the sufferer in this web, yet I know we can do better.

sharon.

yudith listiandri's picture

believing yourself

It really needs such a great efforts to change abusive relationship. Yes, I agree that we can not give up so soon. But the fact is the violence tends to attempt higher quantity and quality. He said sorry, he cried, he promised not to do that anymore, but after that ... At this point, when someone we love turns to be a real traitor or even when our lives are in danger, we must be confident of ourselves and wake up from this nightmare. It takes a lot of courage to be "out of the box".

Yudith

Carole's picture

Change of attitude

My thinking is that Marriage is meant to be a union of two like- minded individuals who have a goal to fulfil in life together. It pains me to listen and watch the many abusive relationships day in and out. People tend to get married for various reasons. Maybe some of these reasons lead to the abuses one has to undergo.

Probably we really need to rethink this concept of Marriage and come up with a more clearer outlook to it.Those who have had successful marriages can share their experiences as they prepare the younger generation for this vocation. I believe there are good marriages. This is something for us to ponder through.

Sharo's picture

I can't agree with you more,

I can't agree with you more, yet I stand to tell you that no two persons have like minds, noy even twins, however our interests maybe the same and thats why we should strive to accomodate each other in our marriage settings.

I like you would appreciate the older ones to tell us what really works in their marriages.

Sharon.

Maria de Chirikof's picture

Marriage

I think part of the problem is the big difference in what marriage has come to mean and what we believe it is. I think of it as a sacred union, I think that idea is understandable no matter which religion you are, where 2 people join together in a spiritual bond. But it often is more of a business transaction instead, whether by the society or by the individuals involved.

I do think it is always presented as that sacred image and that is why many woman find it hard to think anything against it. One way to think of it is imagine how we have banks and whether you are a business or an individual you can open an account there and use their services. I believe part of what happens in society is there are people who wish to control others and found the easiest way to do this was to make the person come to them instead of going directly into the bank itself. They can show how others can go in and leave with nothing but fail to explain that this is called the "deposit" or where the person comes out with only what they need for the weekend and show how they came out with a lot more then that so to go through them instead.

What I think happens is over time it becomes more widespread because they want you to forget you can go directly to the bank yourself and that this is how it was set up to work. They look for the ones who are maybe a bit weak or too greedy for their own good to help them keep this going. They rename themselves as 'Bank' and try to pretend they are the real thing. Over time people can forget what the true "bank" is since they have only ever known this kind. This idea helps explain how something meant for the betterment of people can be turned into something other then what it is meant to be. I love the idea of those involved in positive marriages sharing their stories with us.

I think part of the reason I stayed in mine so long was my belief that marriage is sacred and I had made a vow. I mean, I adore my daughters and they were the result of this marriage so how could it be all bad? I think it is easy to help ourselves stayed trapped in this way. I finally decided that what I was 'divorcing' was not the idea of marriage itself but the corrupted version I was living in. That really helped me feel much better about my decision to get out.

When there is abuse in the marriage is is especially hard and scary to think of leaving it. Keeping that bank image, think of the ones who abuse as a person who goes into the bank and robs it by force. With that image you immediately know without anyone having to tell you that this is wrong and it is illegal. Within an abusive marriage, you can feel it is wrong but not trust that it is "illegal" in the same way you can with other things like robbing a bank.

Understanding that it is wrong, very wrong, will help you take those first steps to make the change in your life that is needed. I think it will help to start planning what to do. I know for me, I had not worked outside the home for about 14 years by then and worried how I would support us. It was not that I did not want to work but finding the kind of job I wanted would be hard. I love working in an office and think that is where my skills are best used but the job I ended up doing is called a 'Personal Care Assistant' or PCA. It is where the person needs help in their daily life but does not require a nurse and this saves a lot of money for the whole system since it is a lot less pay then a nurse makes. I still dream of finding an office job or winning the lottery where I can stay at home and write my novels but you sometimes need to just do whatever it takes to provide for your children.

One good thing about getting a job after being a stay-at-home mom is that wonderful feeling when you are bringing home your paycheck to support them. Even when it is just barely enough to provide for them, it gives a great feeling to you. You begin to feel more positive about yourself and that helps in your spiritual healing.

There is so much to talk about and I think I am already getting too long. So just wanted to end with how it can seem a very scary and daunting task, it will be hard but it will also be 'real and true' and that value is what your children need from you.

Maria

Sharo's picture

I FEEL

Dear Maria,

I feel as though You have gone through this yet with great courage.
I like the idea of the 'Bank', it is for sure that way in most cases.

I would like to uplude you for the efforts you make in trying to take care of your lovely children.
I wish you the best as you continue looking for the best paying Job or rather the job of your dreams.

Go Lady! you are the only person who can make the best of themselves.
Take care, and always keep it in your mind that you are loved and cherised by not only your children but by all you help and especially for those you give a smile and hope. I Love you too.
God bless you richly.

Terry's picture

Trust in God!

I think of marriage as a union of love between two people who may not necessarily be of the same mind. Very different yet, they compliment each other with those differences, bringing out a beautiful union. It is all about giving and not expecting to receive all the time. It is like an investment, you have to put in something to get a return. Many times we have too much expectations from our spouses and this tends to strain the relationship. I am not an expert in marriage, i have been married happily now for close to 6 years, we're both strong believers of the word of God and live by it daily, we strive to add value to each others lives, support one another to grow in all aspects of our lives and seek to raise our children in a godly and loving atmosphere.

My mother on the other hand, had to endure a lot of physical abuse from my father and for as long as i can remember, she persevered, but it got worse and she finally walked out about 3 years ago. It can be quite difficult because every time he comes back, she has given him a chance believing, this time he will be different but the fight gets worse. That is what every woman in an abusive marriage believes, that maybe this time, for the sake of the children, he will change, but it always tends to get worse. I would advice a woman in such a situation to pray and get all the support you need from friends, family or anyone they feel comfortable with. It is not always safe to stay as you may lose your life in the process as the case mentioned. God has all the answers, and He surely makes a way out if you can trust in Him.
Terry

Terry Shiundu

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