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The end of the beginning..

Where do I even start..do I start at the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning? I was laying in my bathtub before this, but felt distracted and needed to jump out of the hot water and write. Needed to get something off my chest weighing me down. My mind has been distraught lately with overthinking on my own personal relationships and my past relationships. Amazing how the past can weigh us down when we keep it inside.
I'll start at the end of the beginning......

My hearts beating faster than usual writing this. So here I go...

It was July 30th, 2 years ago now. Something that feels like out of a dream or a nightmare, as though I never woke up that morning or maybe I was always asleep and just waking up. It's hard to tell the two apart somedays.
I was reheating up pasta that I had made the night before, I was into this whole ground chicken pasta with red sauce lately. I was going to use the microwave but I opted for the stove, because natural gas was always better than the microwave, at least in terms of taste. Or wait maybe I opted for the microwave, nope never mind it was the stove. My food was ready but I wasn't ready to eat, so I had to walk into the living room to turn pause on my Kdrama (korean tv show) and that's when I heard a knock. Just a simple knock on the door because that was all it took to change my life. How ironic right all those quotes about doors and opening doors and here I was opening a door.

I opened it and I looked at him and he looked at me. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary yet but it seemed weird because he told me my gas was leaking. I told him no he must have the wrong house, I just got done cooking and to check next door, But he looked at me and said, "No, I have the right house." My heart had dropped because it was then I had looked into his eyes and saw nothing, a very scary nothing as though all the life had been taken out of him. It was to late to close the door and I was one second too late to save myself.

I looked down to see a black handgun pointed into my neck as he pushed me into my house and another man had popped up from behind him. His hand was over my mouth telling me to stop screaming, but I couldn't stop yelling for help. The walls were so thin, someone would save me soon right? He fell into the floor leaning against the couch. I looked over to see who was behind me as I saw a hand fidgeting with gun taking something out or putting something in. Before I could get a look at his face, the main guy slapped me to look his way. Maybe it was so I didn't get a description, but it wouldn't matter in the end anyways. I kicked the main guy and tried to grab my phone that I had but he saw it and broke it. Not that it mattered, I would have been only able to dial my last person as I didn't have a smart phone yet so 911 was out of the question, only the green button was in my favor. The last person on my phone call list wasn't going to save me, in fact they were indirectly in on this.

Somehow I was able to kick hard enough to pull myself up, but I couldn't reach that door. Here I was standing in my favorite shirt and shorts looking at these two guys as they looked at me. Pee running down my leg as they asked me, "where are the drugs or the money?". My only response was "I didn't know and I don't know what you're talking about." Unfortunately I didn't know what they were talking about. They asked me where my boyfriend was? My only response is "I don't know." Because I didn't know. Here I was kicking myself in the face mentally because of course it couldn't get any worse then realizing the person you live with is a secret criminal endangering your life.

To backtrack real fast, I was in a mentally and physically abusive relationship that I felt trapped in for almost 2 years. Swayed by connections and money. It was my own fault or maybe it wasn't? My past 2 relationships were abusive and including sexual abuse in my pre-teens, it's no wonder I ended up where I did. For a long time since I was young, I had already given up on love and more importantly myself.

Fast forward to where we left off..all I know is after explaining to the guy that I didn't know shit, he tackled me or he must have? Because next thing I remember is being on the floor with him on top of me choking, me looking into his eyes as he choked me. His eyes so void of life and this was the last thing I would remember of my "past life", those eyes of nothingness. My last thought was, "this is it." From there I found myself in a darkness where time didn't exist as I felt myself being dragged into a hell where all I felt was my body beaten, mouth gagged, neck strangled and the only thought I had was that I had ended up in hell.

What seemed like an eternity and a short minute all in one, I found myself in silence. I could feel the couch underneath me and my first thought was..why am I on the couch, did I sleep into late? I didn't mean to sleep until 11 am but how did I take a nap on the couch when I slept so late anyways? Next thing I remember is looking up as my brain tells me to be conscious as I cross the street. I couldn't figure out why I was outside but I needed to get on the other side of the road as quickly as possible,I was having a nightmare. But wait how did I end up outside, when I was just on the couch? Next thing I know I look up and I see my neighbor crying and holding me down telling me "your awake your awake!" And she couldn't stop crying. It was then I had realized I was screaming for someone to wake me up!!!! I look down and saw my shirt soaked in blood and my favorite yellow cardigan that had been sitting on my dresser in my room earlier that morning was now tied around my neck covered in spots of blood.

It was then I realized what had happened. Police came, ambulance came and the now ex-boyfriend came crying hard as tears of pain, fear, & guilt ran down his face or who knows why those tears were there..? I later found out a whole hour, almost 2 hours had passed by of me being beaten. The only good thing was, was that apparently I had fought back or else I wouldn't be alive, but I couldn't remember really anything. The bad news was, was that my upstairs neighbors heard me but no one called for help, because they thought it was just my (now ex) boyfriend abusing me..again.

I guess I shall call this the end of the beginning.

Comments

Hello StarLoveChild,

Thank you so much for sharing with us your story, and for your courage, bravery and your resilient spirit. You are a survivor and I am so thankful that you are alive.

What happened to you on that July 30th is so truly horrifying. A living hell...

I just want you to know that I'm glad you're here with us, part of World Pulse, and in a community of women who care about you--many who have suffered horrible abuse themselves and, like you, are survivors and fighters and truth-tellers. Thank you again for sharing a bit of your experience with us. I wish you a life of gratitude, joy, self-love and peace.

Love,
Susan

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