We as humans often ask God for answers while going through rough situations in our lives. We get so overwhelmed by our situation that we often forget to be still and listen to God's answers. God's answers to our prayers come in many different forms. He talks to us through the Bible, through other human beings, through something that we read on the internet or in a book, or that little voice in your head that tells you to go left instead of right; I believe that is The Holy Spirit talking to you guiding you as you walk through this dangerous place that we call life. God talks to all of His children. We must just learn how to listen.
During my coming out period I had a lot of questions for God & I got really upset with Him because I thought He never answered me. But in actual fact He did answer me. And now that I am in a place in my life where I know how to listen to God's voice I realise that His first answer was in the form of my mothers questions to me regarding Romans 1:18-32. My mom got the wheels in my head turning. I kept reading that same passage over and over, and as I read it more questions developed in my mind; why was Christians, people I respected using this passage against me, when this passage was not about me? Who gave them the right to make me feel bad about something that I can not change? Was I really still going to hell?
One day I read further than only page 1439 of my bible, I turned over the page and there on page 1440 was another answer, of course me being me expected God to appear in front of me saying "Listen we're cool, stop your whining! I still love you, you are not going to Hell!" But that was not the way that God chose to speak to me. Of course he could appear to me if He wanted to, He's God Almighty He does whatever He wants in which ever way he wants. Therefore he answered me through my Bible.
On Page 1440 of my bible, I read the following
God’s Righteous Judgment
2 Therefore you are inexcusable, O man, whoever you are who judge, for in whatever you judge another you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things. 2 But we know that the judgment of God is according to truth against those who practice such things. 3 And do you think this, O man, you who judge those practicing such things, and doing the same, that you will escape the judgment of God?
So my mind started working overtime with more questions and thoughts about this whole gay thing and whether it is right or wrong. The following was pretty much the crazy things that went through my mind and my prayers at that stage;
So people use Romans 1 to condemn & judge me, while in Romans 2 just one page on it sais that it is inexcusable for anyone to judge me for only God can judge because His judgment is according to the truth. God knows me, He knows that I love Him. He knows that I am none of the things described in Romans 1. Being gay doesn't mean I'm sexually Immoral, I don't sleep around, I'm not really sleeping with anyone for that matter. I can think of a lot of straight people who fits a lot better in Romans 1 description than I do, does that mean they are secretly gay then & I'm actually straight because the description doesn't fit me? But I am gay I know I'm gay, I can't change it I've tried, I've asked God to take it away and here I am, I still find girls a lot hotter than boys!
"Oh dear God please just help me! Tell me what to do! Please God! Please! You know me! You know I love You! So ok people are not allowed to judge me only you will judge me, but what is Your judgment God? Am I going to hell? Is being gay really so bad that we all just need to die and go to Hell as soon as possible before we infect the righteous straight people? Oh Please God I don't want to go to Hell, Please help me!?"
All that confusion and questions in my mind was really driving me crazy, I couldn't focus on anything else. I was still convinced that I was going to burn in hell for my abnormal unnatural behaviour.
Attempting to start my second year as a first year at University nothing in my mind had changed, I still believed that hell was where I would be spending eternity, therefore I didn't care about being good anymore I drifted away from God. I was going to hell anyway, so I might as well enjoy this place while I can. So I did everything, tried everything. For one whole year of my life I was hardly ever sober. I drank with my friends everyday, partied every night. I tried out weed and CAT. Luckily it just made me feel sick and crappy so I decided to leave the drugs to the people who enjoyed it. I hurt people emotionally because deep down inside I was hurting so much that I really just didn't care about anyone at that stage.
Needless to say, my second attempt at my first year subjects was once again an epic fail. My dad realised that he was just wasting his money and refuse to pay for my third try. My depression only worsened, I wasn't a student anymore, didn't really have a job, I was living off my mom & just didn't care about getting my life together. Suicidal thoughts went through my head, after all I'm going to hell anyways so I might as well just die now and get it over with.
In my depressed state, trying to find a reason to keep living I picked up my dusty bible again one day, ofcourse I went straight back to Romans I read 1:18-32 I went on to Romans 2 and read once again that only God can judge me. The same questions and thoughts started going through my mind again. I kept on reading through Romans but I was to blinded by my depression and rage about my messed up life to realise that He was busy answering all of my questions. It was only much later after a lot more trials that I was able to see God's answers to my questions. The fact is, God has never left my side, I was just so caught up in self pity that I stopped seeing Him next to me, and therefore I also didn't see His answers at that time.
How did God answer me?
On page 1453 of my bible is the answer that I have been looking for this whole time. I read this passage before, but only after a lot of heartache relised that this was the answer that God wanted to Give me to my ultimate question; AM I GOING TO HELL FOR BEING GAY?
9 that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. 11 For the Scripture says, “Whoever believes on Him will not be put to shame.”[f] 12 For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek, for the same Lord over all is rich to all who call upon Him. 13 For “whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved.”[g]
When I read this I realised that it doesn't matter if I'm gay or straight so long as I'm saved by my Lord Jesus. And I am saved.
I believe that in my case and the case of all gay people struggling with this issue, we can alter verse 12 just a little bit to make people realise that before God we are all the same it doesn't matter if you are gay or straight, God will protect whoever calls upon Him.
"For there is no distinction between Straight and Gay, for the same Lord over all is rich to all who call upon Him."
The bible is very contradicting. In Romans 1 is the passage that I used to condemn myself, just like a lot of straight people use to condemn gays. If I had only turned over the pages in my bible seven times from the start, I would have spared myself a lot of torment. But the fact is, I had to go through that torment first to be able to realise how great God is, to be able to realise that He was always next to me, I was the one who pushed Him away. If God had revealed Romans 10 to me from the start I would probably never have realised the significance behind it. I would have read over the true meaning that God wanted to display to me. In His time, which is always the correct time, God revealed to me that it doesn't matter if I'm gay. It doesn't matter if anyone is Gay, straight, black, pink, yellow or white for the same Lord over all is rich to all who call upon Him. For whoever calls on the Name of The Lord Shall be saved.