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Looking Back

I love that it feels like a different part of my life, almost, those days when I was desperately wanting to be free. I know it took a long time for this feeling to come and I often don't feel I am 'quite there' yet. I think part of the reason I was taking a look back was I wanted to make sure I am heading in the right direction. If you read my one journal entry called 'The Straight and Narrow Path, part 1' you will see what some of these thoughts are. It is this feeling of being 'stuck' somehow still, where I worry I am not smart enough to figure out what went so wrong with my life before.

I think part of what is so healing for me is I can see my daughters starting to feel more confident about themselves. We were talking the other night about stuff and one said where she catches herself being very happy about life and treasures that feeling. I have tried to teach them to focus on the good and to be positive about things. In a strange way, I think writing in this journal here has done a lot for us. I think it was reading one comment where the lady mentioned how 'healing' writing was for me and how that idea helped change the feelings inside me.

Sometimes it felt like my own wounds (emotionally speaking) were not as important as helping my daughters. It makes me smile to think of another friend on a different forum who had said what message are you sending your daughters by this. I often feel like the world's biggest fool so doubt anyone would look to me for strength. It made me realize the bonds of love that exist though. I remember my mother often felt this same way about herself, too. I remember my love for her was unconditional, she did not need to be perfect for me. I guess my daughters feel the same way about me.

I think we sometimes try very hard when we strive to make this huge change in our life and don't count the distance we have come since we feel we have so far to go yet. I was thinking about it and came up with an image of it so thought I would try to describe it. When you are fleeing something or someone you often look back over your shoulder as you are racing the other way. That fear that you will look back and see a hand about to grab your shoulder and pull you back to where you don't want to be anymore. When you start to feel more secure about yourself you look back over your shoulder less and less as that 'scared' feeling starts going away. Then you get to a place where you feel you can stop and rest awhile in safety and catch your breath.

I think the old images we have of this place is where we come to a sort of crossroads and you can pick where you go next. I think we need to change that image though. I think if we take the time to take a good long look back to where we were, do it without fear or self-loathing about it, we will see something different. Like my image of the maze and how I always found myself back at the start of it, I think taking the time for reflection about everything will help us see things differently. Where I always thought I was back at the beginning again, when I stop and look back at where I have been I see that I am actually at the 'end' point of the maze. How it looks the same because I am still me and that has not changed.

I think we can see the lady standing there as our heart or our soul and realize 'she' has always been there for us when we needed her desperately. I think I have mentioned before about the Snow Leopard animal spirit and how she walks with me and I think maybe this is why. Trying to understand and believe in myself is something I really need to work on, I know this. I think it helps greatly though to stop and realize that my 'strength' through all of this is the power of my heart and mind like my mother once told me. Sure, I made mistakes a long the way, we all do, but what a nice feeling it is to know that someone as caring and kind as myself truly cares about me and what happens to me along the way...


JaniceW's picture


Maria.... you might want to comment on the below post which talks about spousal abuse. I think your clarity of thought, courage and insight could prove most valuable for anyone going through a similar situation. Thank you for all your thoughtful contributions.

Maria de Chirikof's picture

Well, I tried a post

I think I got a bit long-winded with the post but hoped to show how 'if it feels wrong then it most likely is wrong' so the woman can really feel she is making a valid choice in getting out and not just giving up. I think there is a huge difference in not wanting to work since sometimes it does take a bit of extra work to get through things together and knowing you are in a bad situation.

I know I often felt if I only tried harder to support him then things would change. The fault was partly mine since I was not giving him the strength and support he needed to do things right for us. It was a very humiliating moment when I realized he had planned this from almost the start. Part of me refuses to believe it was from the start since part of me so wants to believe I was not a complete idiot about it.

But I guess it is very important to raise the awareness that these predator types look for "us" and pretend to believe as we do when they only want to use us. It is never wrong to be a kind and caring person or to believe in your own dreams of what you want your life to be.

I met him after I felt like I had changed from my family structure and felt so good and positive about life and wanted someone who thought like I did. It is a shame that I fell for someone who only pretended to be a good person. I wonder why it is so hard to let go of that beginning we had. I still think we had real love at first and it was only later it changed but maybe it is my ego not wanting to admit I was so easily fooled when I wanted something so different then where I had come from.

I think raising awareness of all this type of thing will help other woman. I have not studied it or anything like that so can only offer my own experiences and thoughts and also how it feels now looking back to what I felt then. I have been trying to gather my thoughts about it so I can write one '10 things I wished I had realized then' of things I wish I had been more aware of back then and how it can apply to those of us who were not getting physically hurt but suffering all the same.

I think we can help each other to believe in ourselves and trust ourselves and our judgment since I think many of us were never taught to think that way growing up.


aliĝngix's picture


I can't remeber where I read it--Oh, starch that, Memoirs of a Geisha, this man she was serving was a battle General, and he always won. He said it's not that he picks his battles, but that he can wear down his opponents confidence, and he who has no confidante can be easily tricked into thinking that they can't win.
It's like that, that you see now. It always makes my heart soar when survivors help themselves, and take the world on, at their own pace. Picking up the pieces, as they say.
It's nice knowing, and I'll be happy to see you continue your progress with you writing...
^v^ Hah...see you around.

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