The dangerous effects - Ambient Abuse
It's late and I've been thinking about the past few months. As I sit here I find it so hard to understand and comprehend what it was I was being subjected to. It felt like I was living in a make believe world where everyday was unpredictable and everything I was being told was a lie. Living on my own has given me the time to reflect and view things more clearly. I don't think you ever get over the effects that emotional abuse has on oneself but in time through self education I believe we can become more aware of the different types of abuse there is out there and being aware of the tell tale signs and knowing our boundaries.
After I divorced a few years ago now, I researched to find out what it was that I had been exposed to. Not knowing anything about personality disorders, I searched certain traits I was being subjected to. I searched as much information as I possibly could to self educate and become more aware of myself and what it was that I would need to survive and protect myself against for the future.
I was naive, having relied on my husband, extremely timid and easily trodden on, I didn't have the skills or the confidence to combat a strong controlling personality. Walking on egg shells and living a life you know in your stomach is wrong but you can't find the ways to escape. I suffered from anorexia and weighed 39kg at one stage - I was all skin and bone. Had my family seen me I shudder to think how they would have reacted. I suffered a little depression, became a hermit for 6 months and feeling so alone I had no one to talk with. I didn't really get any support because no one really really knew what was going on but they did notice my massive weight loss but still didn't ask any questions or if I was ok. I didn't really think anyway that anyone would possibly get what it was I had endured. How do you explain your life to someone unless they have lived it and know what you're going through themselves?
Recently having moved towns, I thought I had met my soul mate. I was obviously and quite clearly not at a point of having fully learnt all I should have, from my divorce and my time recovering.
It was hard to pin point what it was that was happening because the abuse was performed so stealthily. If I had tried to explain to someone what it was that was happening they would have thought I was truly going insane. I searched and searched for some answers and I discovered some information on ambient abuse. I had become stronger and approximately 2 months after moving in together I was feeling that it had been a bad move. I love where we are living but it was the moving in with him that I was beginning to regret.
It was the total fear of the unknown. Trying to instal fear into me through acts of intimidation. Having my emails accessed, face book accessed and incriminating photos placed on my profile page to get at me after leaving. Totally unpredictable behaviour. Twisting, manipulating, lying to set me up to make me appear to be the insane mother so my ex could have our son back living with him. I was protecting my son against his awful, evil ways. He'd drop subtle hints by disorientating me by lying. I felt I was in fear, living in a very unstable environment, unpredictable to say the least. He would turn conversations around as though I was picking on him when I wasn't. I felt I was being monitored. I was in constant bewilderment as to what an absolute crazy nut case it was that I had moved in with. I really had begun to think this person I was living with had major deep seeded psychological issues. Such horrendous and evil bully tactics performed in such subtle ways. And what was it that he planned to gain from bullying a woman that had moved into a new town, not knowing anyone?? Possibly money, control??? Just a very sick, insecure person seeking out Narcissistic supply.
It had not occurred to me until 2 months that he had been syphoning information out of me from day 1 to later use against me.
After leaving I was stalked and I believe I still am to some degree and through others. He was in contact with my ex husband I know to cajole against me. Belittling me to others while still trying to maintain contact with me and play the other side of the coin to suit himself. I stopped contact with some people - feeling they were in it with him. Not the types of people I wish to hang with knowing they would be into hurting someone this way or would be a part of his silly games. I just can't stop thinking what type of person performs such acts. To try to inflict as much pain as possible to someone and not stopping at their families.
I don't respond or interact in any way shape or form. The moment you do you give up your freedom for their Narcissistic Supply (NS). While no interaction occurs they're not getting their supply or their needs met and claiming the reaction they so desire. I try to laugh it off to some degree now to cope with the absurd behaviour he is portraying. That is all it is is wasted time on trying to harass someone that is not interested in them anymore and they just don't know how to drop it or let it go.
What I have realized through this whole process is how naive and trusting I was even 6 months ago. I had the blinkers on and just wasn't paying enough attention to the signs. I must have been still quite insecure because I fell hook, line and sinker.
My advice to anyone that is in or has been in this position, be aware and know your boundaries. Read the signs and if something isn't sitting right you're probably right. Don't ever doubt your feelings. I was told mine were wrong. They weren't wrong. Be strong and never allow anyone to treat you any other way than what you want and deserve. Real men don't stalk or abuse women - FULL STOP.
Love to all and my thoughts are with you...