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False Obedience -- First draft of my assignment

Hello Mentors and correspondents
Please read my first draft of the assignment and give me your feedback

As I waited anxiously for the passionate young lady whom I met once on a training for the empowerment of women.I started to think & recall her great debates on women rights & empowerment,the words which could never be forgotten.
Born in 1988,in a small traditional house located in Rawalpindi Pakistan,an emerging high court advocate, lecturer of constitutional law & President of Tabeer.The fascinating & inspiring woman Ms Khadija Ali .A selfmade lady who Supported herself & her studies after her secondary education and today she is a proud daughter,sister and above all a vigorous & unbeatable woman.She opened her eyes in a family where the norms of society & culture were the only principles. The urge of questioning injustice, dominancy and patriarchy made her stronger to be a rebel & overturning the cart.Fearless of the consequences she began to dream as a child and work hard for her strength.
She particularly mentioned that the blind obedience is increasing terrorism rapidly.The torture given to the children in schools and houses has resulted into the emergence of extreme violence specially in Pakistan.Not only this the wrong concept of attaching terrorism with Islam should also be corrected it is more over a game of economics, politics and throne.
“For me as a lawyer one of the greatest reason why terrorism increasing in Pakistan is because we have not distinguish in personal and public life”
According to Khadija the advocacy of religious beliefs through the medium of state is completely illogical. Both are completely different,state should not interfere in the religion and it shouldn’t dictate people.Why people are forced to follow the instructions of state about their religion,which is completely their own personal choice.”Why should I be told to cover or uncover my head because the state says so?”
The motivation behind Khadjia to become a lawyer was to get the answer for injustice.E.g there was a law that was enacted in 1979 known as “Hudood Ordinance” which could never make sense to her before she studied law.After she became a lawyer she could understand completely that the law was incorrect.It was accusing rapist and victim equally guilty. After the hard struggle from civil society the law was revised & corrected in 2006.
“It doesn’t differentiate between rape and fornication”
Khadija also expressed that it is the fault of our laws that people are unable to get justice which increase terrorism & extremism.According to the constitution of Pakistan we cannot pass any law which is against Islamic laws.It’s giving birth to a lot of problems.Speaking about the religious minorities,the Hindus in Pakistan cannot enjoy the registration of their marriages.They have no proper way of registering their marriages and the only way they could register their marriage is signing a contract.A marriage registration and contract are two different boats of the sea.
On the question of challenges women are facing in Pakistan Khadija expressed her feelings in these words;
“Mostly girls are brought up in a manner that they feel satisfaction in their life.They are being told to obey blindly,they could hardly feel the emotions of humans & live their whole life like candle statue”
Khadija was ordered to do the same but the strong lady raise her aims and made herself a woman which cannot be unheard.”I’m Khadija Ali Period! I’m a daughter,sister and above all I’m a human.I’m my father’s daughter but I’m no one’s honor,I have my own identity my own shadow”
Khadija believes in our society there is a social stigma
Economic emancipation = Freedom of women
“That is incorrect when it comes to women rights it has more to do with social stigma then economic emancipation”
Khadija Ali has been fighting Pro bono cases of women on sexual harassment as well.One of her most difficult case was advocating a 50 years old woman who was widowed.Khadija gloomily said that the lady was in so much depression and mental torture that she could hardly share the details of her case.After taking her in confidence she told her that she has been sexually harassed by a Junior in her department.The hard parts in the case were two,one was that it’s a stereotype that women of younger age or with pretty face become the victim of sexual harassment which is not correct.In Pakistan women with no masters are always the target of abusers.The other hard part was that the abuser didn’t touch the lady.He use to play with his private parts in front of her,watches porn in the office and use foul language in her presence.The man was not physically touching her and it was giving him a green card to freedom.But with continuous struggle and hard work of advocate Khadija Ali,the man felt guilty and wrote an apology letter on which both the parties agreed.The great part was that after the case many companies made their sexual harassment policies for protection of their employees and organization.
In 2012 Domestic violence bill was presented in the Parliament the opponents had the opinion that
“It is consider as the personal matter which should be free from the interference of law”
The 90% of the women don’t think that way but sadly they aren’t sitting in the parliament.Khadija told that while demonstration to have this law passed the leader of right wing Fazul ur Rehman said
“Having this law passed is an agenda of these NGO’s funded by Jews & America to corrupt our society”
He pointed civil society who were sitting in the visiting gallery.Khadija along with other women right activist protested outside the parliament but sooner the area was filled by Right wing party workers & threatened the activists to leave immediately.
Born in a conservative family,raised in the fire of her dreams today Khadija Ali has become the voice of women which are unheard.Her journey of recompense services to humanity hasn’t stopped yet she has a long way & like she said
“I will spend my life fighting for the principles I believe in”
The principles for freedom,equality and destroy the concept of Talibanization.

Comments

jampa's picture

Great overall

Mahrukh Pasha,
Avoid using &, E.g, = because these are not formal use of language. Just use words to describe but not to use these symbols.

All the best,
Jampa

Iryna's picture

Very strong

This story is very strong. Reading it I was catching myself answering on some of your statements, agree and support because I meet more or less similar situations or just what you say causes my indignation. It means your story is alive and emotional. I like the profile of Khadija, is obvious she is a very strong and fearless woman. And honestly I would like to hear more of her stories. Because this one about the woman who was harrassed is very deep.

Thank you for choosing this woman and for sharing,
Greetings from Ukraine,
Iryna

bitani's picture

good

Wow, Hoor, am sure it was a tough job bringing down the story of Khadija to a short piece. I like it but if i am to ask something it is: why did Khadija Ali became whom she is today? there's definitely something that made her stand up and not be the obeying female she is expected to be in Pakistan. Perhaps its a small thing from her childhood or private life; dunno.

in general great work, and your effort shows in the piece.

(F)

Greengirl's picture

Hello

Your choice of Khadija Ali deserves an applause. She is a strong personality with a very impressive credential who has influenced a significant number of policies in your country. She certainly stands out as it is obvious that she knows her onions.

Having said that, I would like to suggest that you use paragraphs so that your words are not clumped up. May be you should reach out to your editorial Editorial Mentor so she could help you out with the formatting and editing. I also observed that you have 1003 words. Don't forget that for Module One Assignment, we are expected to have less than 1000 words. 999 words or less is safe!

The piece is commendable!

Greengirl

Aminah's picture

Great choice of a female activist

A very brave effort. I fell in love with Khadija Ali and her unwavering efforts to fight for equality for both genders. I can relate to her and how you have presented her work. Women all over the world are working for emancipation and a stop to gender discrimination and this not any different in the communities with Muslim belief system.
Some preachers of our Muslim faith seems to have forgotten the role of Khadija (RA) - Prophet Mohamed's first wife - in the economic activity of that time (circa 555–620 CE).

I see the spirit of Khadija (RA), the merchant, in the Khadija you portrayed here. Thank you for that.

The story unfolds quite nicely. I believe you will be addressing commends by Jampa and others for the final submission. There are some words that can be omitted and some compound words (eg. moreover) that have been used as two words; also replacing ampersands with "and"... I'm sure those will be edited out by your Editorial mentor.

Just some suggestions I would make are:

---------------

"After she became a lawyer she could understand completely that the law was incorrect.It was accusing rapist and victim equally guilty. After the hard struggle from civil society the law was revised & corrected in 2006.
“It doesn’t differentiate between rape and fornication”"

I like this part very much. This has become an issue here in the Maldives too. Some people seem to have difficulty in differentiating between rape and fornication.

I would suggest reshuffling the sentences by moving her quoted text to go right after "... victim equally guilty."
By the time I read to "corrected in 2006" the message was quite clear and my mind was ready to move on to the next section. Hence the additional quote on what she said looks somewhat out of place in the current draft.
---------------

"Khadija believes in our society there is a social stigma
Economic emancipation = Freedom of women
“That is incorrect when it comes to women rights it has more to do with social stigma then economic emancipation”"

I think I can understand what that text is trying to say. But it is not explicit. The social stigma - is it referring to "freedom of women" or is it trying to say that economic emancipation leads to 'loose' women (something like low moral standard)? Just have another look at it and I think it can be improved. The message you have there is important.
----------

The article overall is just great. I am sure it will make one of the best posts by the time it is finalized.

Salaam
Aminah

Precious M's picture

Great choice

Hi,

I love the choice of Khadija Ali, a lawyer with an obvious fighting spirit. You might want to consider breaking down your article into paragraphs. This will make it easier to read.

You have done well,sister!

Love,
Precious

My pen speaks

Y's picture

Wonderful subject for your

Wonderful subject for your article! You have done a great job of getting me interested in her efforts.

I do agree that your editorial mentor can be of assistance in formatting for ease of reading.

Blessings to you.
Yvette

Y

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