My mothers other children
This is one that is so hard to write since I feel a bit cruel about it. I don't usually think of my mother so much but have been off and on since we lost our home about 2 years ago now (I guess when one of my sisters wrote me a letter mentioning my mom). There is so much pain associated with that time and part of it was my family not caring enough about me to help us. It was when we were in that homeless shelter and my daughters had to scrub toilets by my side that my heart hardened against them all. I will never forgive them for this was my only thought about it.
I was taught by my mother that what made me very special was the power in my heart and my mind. The ability to love and be happy was a precious gift and I should not forget that. My heart could not forgive them and I told myself the pain is still too raw and to give it time. I have not talked to any of them since then and they do not even know where I live or my phone number, I wanted no contact with them at all.
All last year I would take a peep at this feeling toward them and try to decide if it was "Justice" or just me being unfair to them. Growing up I always forgave people since I honestly believe keeping that anger or hate in my heart hurts me as well as them. One of the things I do when I am feeling unsure about it is wonder if I could look myself in the eye about it. I always felt it was the right decision. This year though when my life is more solid and we are feeling some security about our life I begin to wonder what my mom would say about this if she were here.
The trouble is that I think she would agree with me.
When I think about it I feel mainly sad about it all. I have been thinking of several topics for some commentaries for the "Voices of our Future" and this is part of where those thoughts have taken me. My humor pieces "The Straight and Narrow Path, part 1" and "The Happy Dance" also are a result of my thoughts about things. My daughters said it was nice to see how I come up with my ideas since I help them with their writing for school and know how they think and work toward their ideas.
I think sometimes things happen that did not have to happen exactly as they did. A choice was made. I believe that sometimes people make mistakes or do things that they regret or wish they had the chance to do over so they could do it differently and that kind of thing I can forgive since I have made my share of mistakes, too. What is so sad is that this is not like that with them. I think my mother would be sad about it all but understand my decision and agree.
I guess we all need to do something like this at some point in our life. Where we have to accept that people are as they are and we can not change them into what we want them to be. "Family" is a term that can mean several things, I think. My "true" family are the ones who can accept me as I am and value me as a person. There is the family you are born into and the one you create for yourself. I can live with my decision and feel much better about myself about it and had to write this for other woman who go back to cruel people because they are the family you were born into. There is a saying that you have to be 'cruel to be kind' and I think this story is an example of what it means since sometimes you need to be kind to yourself.