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Becoming Ourselves Before Partnering with Others

"The traditional definition of marriage is flawed. Marriage is propagated as the conclusion, rather than an evolving plot, of a woman’s story. After all, what is the value of education when she will not be permitted to translate the education into a career, into tangible results that society could marvel at? In many cultures, it is a hard-and-fast rule for a woman to ask permission from (not consult with) male family members while making many of the major decisions of her life, for example pertaining to marriage and education, that will shape her fate.

The solutions to such societal barriers is for women to defy the odds, challenge the traditional definitions of marriage, achieve their dreams, set examples for others, and engage people globally in a discussion about the benefits of education. An even bolder step would be for women to resort to legal means. The marriage contract, instead of having provisions for dowry, must specify clearly that the woman’s rights to education must be protected. Breach of contract must be a punishable offence by law. Law enforcement must be stringent." -- from a journal entry by Monica 09 of Dhaka, bangladesh
http://worldpulse.com/node/69745

My reply:
Dear Monica,
This post is a masterpiece of problem solving ideas that I believe could work. I, too, am a proponent of the legal issues of marriage being taken seriously. It seems to me that conflict resolution, parenting, and anger management classes, for men and women, should be mandatory before a marriage license is issued. It also seems to me that a trust should be set up in which a percentage of the family income is invested for the care of the children, in the event of divorce, death, or disability.

It bothers me a great deal that clerics are performing the legal ceremonies for marriage in my country. The legal and religious issues of marriage and family are each too important to rush through them. The children are the ones who ultimately suffer in the crossfire.

I, too, married young and had children when I had no marketable skills. It is natural for resentment to set in when one partner is seen as unequal in protecting the family. I had no way, after the births of my children to concentrate on my education, as this would have cost considerable money and taken me away from my home duties.

It is so exciting to me that I can now educate myself on any topic I desire from the comfort of my own home, via the internet. I am so proud of my baby sister (also a mother of a grown daughter), who continues to earn graduate level degrees from online university programs, while she works full-time.

I am able to earn my own money, as you have pointed out, through online business ventures. I have been given the gift of time to study and help others through a loving supportive husband, my third. I must admit that I made it my business to become economically able and to develop a clear idea of what I wanted in a mate in my life before I met this man. He is my partner in every aspect of my life, even though he shares no blood with my grown daughter, son, or grandchildren.

You seem to be brave and a clear thinker. I wish you all the blessings life has to offer.

Yvette

Comments

Mukut's picture

Marriage is about equality

Dear Yvette,

I agree with Monica too.In India, we are still struggling to equate marriage with equality. Here, even after the wife is educated and earns the same or even more than her husband, has to come back home and do all the household chores, all by herself. It is expected of her, and that makes her a 'good wife'.

For me, marriage is about equality and companionship. It is not a destination we have to reach, rather it is a journey that we have to take together.

Thank you for your lovely insight on marriage and glad to know that you found a supportive partner. It is commendable of your sister to achieve so much. Proud of her too.

Love and hugs,

Mukut Ray

Y's picture

Thank you for your kind

Thank you for your kind words.

Sadly, it seems that the way women and men are finally coming to understand marriage equality is through divorce and the shared custody of children. This is a tragedy for the children, as well as for society. When we each have to spend time doing everything for ourselves and our children without a partner, we come to realize our own strengths and weaknesses and can more wisely choose a partner. I believe that it is a mistake to have young people go directly from the homes of their parents to marriage, as they have still not become fully independent adults, and don't know what they have in themselves or what they need in marriage.

With conception control, the threat of producing babies should a girl be raped, or otherwise become sexually active, is greatly reduced; therefore, the fear of her father that he will have more mouths to feed is diminished. Unwanted children are not cherished, as they should be, and grow up afraid and angry. My goal is to protect the children from being unwanted.

Yvette

Mukut's picture

Yes agree

Yes, absolutely agree with you dear. Wish everybody would think the same.

Thank you for sharing this.

Much love,

Mukut Ray

Y- I love that you took a great article and from it wrote such a great entry of your own. I share your concerns with the casualness, in many ways, of marriage and bearing children, and what a benefit it would be to receive training for both prior to the commitments. I know this is not the law of our country, and it would infringe upon our written freedoms, but it is a great thought. We had to endure unbelievable intrusions into our personal lives before we could consider adopting, which was our passion. It seems such inequality to require this of non-biological potential parents and not of biological. I won't go into it at length here, but let it be enough that Monica's ideas are ground-breaking and would be so uplifting to women and girls!

Thanks again for this. I believe we are of very similar mind!

Let us Hope together-
Michelle
aka: Cali gal

Listener
Sister-Mentor
@CaliGalMichelle
facebook.com/caligalmichelle

Y's picture

It is mandatory that we learn

It is mandatory that we learn the rules of the road before we are given driver's licenses. This is not unconstitutional. Licensing without mandatory teaching and testing is a travesty. Having clergy stand in for applying the laws of our land is unconstitutional.

Yvette

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