Letter to my neighbor
Below is a letter to my neighbor that has been sent to her. I remain anonymous. I have tried to help her in other ways, like knocking on the door which by the grace of God did not put me in danger- not to say it won't in the future. Stomping on my floor to let him know people are home. Now it is time I communicate and face to face can be embarrassing for her or may become a misguided attempt to help her. So I wrote this letter. It is 3 pages long, you do not have to read the whole thing but it has been sent in the mail in hopes of giving her some empowerment.
Letter to my neighbor......................
Hello my sister and neighbor. I guess you are wondering why you are receiving a letter from an anonymous stranger. I felt it was time to share with you that your cries do not go unnoticed. I hear them and I am here to tell you that you are not alone.
Your worth is beyond his comprehension and that is one of the reasons that he is so aggressive. He is scared that he cannot control you but this is due to his own innate insecurities. He uses fear and anger because that is all he knows. Make no mistake, he has a choice to learn other ways, but it is up to him to pursue these options, not up to you to make him reach for them.
It has little to do with your behaviors. You are simply a target for his apprehensions, pain, and convictions. I will not tell you to leave him because the faith and hope held in your heart is powerful, more powerful then these words. I understand that there is great emotional attachment in this relationship. Plus, the family unit makes for a stronger family when in a healthy environment. I know you hope he will change so you can have that environment.
I feel scared for you and I know it is not “my business” but I can tell you that I know what it feels like to not have anyone come to your rescue. You are aware people hear your cries, yelling, and you’re littlest screaming for his mommies’ release. When no one knocks on the door it may feel like you are abandoned but you are not.
First, I will start off by sharing some facts with you. These are not statistical but from life experience and they resonate from truth.
• It will get worse unless he and you commitment to seeking God together. Even then he may not change or come on board, but I guarantee as a daughter in Jesus Christ myself, God will provide you a safe place and should he not change his unruly behaviors, God will remove him. You were not born to be abused. You are a manifestation of God. God is both male and female because God is a spiritual being. Almost all religions recognize that we are made in this almighty image.
• You are a gift from God to that man, even more so, God has given you both the gift of children which he knew that only you as a mother could bare.
• Your neighbors hear it but do not know what to do. I can tell you that if it gets bad lets use a code word like SINGAPOR! Though I cannot guarantee that I will be home when you use it, I can say he will not recognize this code word as a call for help, if anything he may just look at you real funny. By the grace of God if I am home, I will call the cops. This way the call for help remains anonymous and his anger will target an anonymous neighbor.
• Abusive men and women likely have experienced or witnessed domestic violence growing up. This is a cycle and it is affecting your child and child to be as we speak.
• Domestic violence is an epidemic worldwide. Many women feel invisible or like they cannot do anything to get help. The mentality and emotional state after violent episodes for those abused increases their likely hood of staying because violence imprisons the victim’s inner being.
Second I would like to tell you my story. I remember what it felt like to have no one come to help. I never want anyone to experience that feeling.
It began one evening to my unawareness his emotions were brewing. During the incident I found out he felt embarrassed in front of mutual friends because I demanded that we should leave when he became drunk and began to “School” a young boy about the streets. (He was scaring the boy Sh*tless). I had to stop it.
We left to a nightclub which he wanted to leave as soon as we walked in. I wanted a least a drink but he pulled my hair, just enough for others not to see it. We left and headed home. As we were driving he began to argue with me, arguing turned into screaming, screaming turned him pulling my hair while I was physically driving. So of course the police pulled us over, but I was drunk and by some grace of God drove away with a ticket for only reckless driving. Deep down I wanted to tell the cop but I was too scared all around to do so.
We park in front of his house. I just want him out my car but he pulls the keys from the ignition. He yells things like “you always get what you want, well you got me now, what is it like.” “I warned you I was going to let you drive unless you f up and I am taking back the keys”. “Bit*h was a frequent word. I went to get out the car and he jumped on me, choking me. I pulled on the handle of the door and my head dropped out, he let go and closed the door. This went on from 2am to 6:04am, each time I tried to get out it got worse. I attempted 5 times to get away.
Choking escalated to choking and gut punches consecutively. At first I tried to fight back but to my own disappointment he was too strong for me. At one point he got out the car to talk on the phone, I got out too, leaving my brand new Camry behind. My life was more important.
He caught up to me and pulled me by my hair back to the car, dragging me down the block. Yeah, I guess no neighbors seen or heard that, right? Considering there was a group of people standing openly down the block for hours, none cared to affiliate concern for my situation. My mind and words were careful, just focused on getting home back to my daughter. I can honestly say I did not know if I was going to make it home. The night felt like forever. I can remember him pulling my head down into his lap and saying “I bet you did not think your night was going to be like this”. It broke my heart, a piece of me cared so deeply for him that this was a misguided comfort from being in his lap, I wanted to hug him, love him and another piece of my mind was trying to make sense of the realty that he was abusing me.
I could not take no more and could not get away. I remember the moment I just surrendered to God because for the first time in my life I was helpless in controlling my destiny. Literally there was no way out. By now my mind figured out he was the enemy and the whole confusion thing wore thin. I did not want hugs, I wished deep down inside I could beat him up. I placed my head on the steering wheel and called out to God to help me. Within minutes he gave me my keys and got out my car.
In time, we spoke again. His actions “we” blamed on alcohol. I remember feeling scared that he would strike at times but he didn't at first. I began taking extra care in what I said trying to not show fear but the inevitable would soon occur. This time I was trapped in a bathroom. His strength was serious and he was drinking. In an attempt to regain myself respect which I felt was taken in the last fight, I demanded that he would not hurt me or this time I would fight back.
Well that did not go too well. He gripped my arm. I told him to get off of me. Before you knew it, the toilet was broken spewing water, my head knocking off the porcelain top. We fought from one end of the bathroom to the other, destroying everything in it. Running for the locked door he caught me and threw me in the tub, thus choking me. I felt something in my neck being cut completely off. A few moments later his mom who lived with him, busted down the door and began to pry him off of me. His neighbor which was a female was standing there in shock and his mom stood at the exit of the door. I took my last bit of strength to walk around them and out the door. My spirit cracked and mentality fragile it was like sleeping with the enemy. I woke up bruised, throat pains and blood on my pillow. I did not even know my head was cracked open. I kept it quite and silently went to the hospital, alone.
He never hit me physically again after that but he made sure he would hit me emotionally. He moved in with a girl down the street from my house. Deep down inside I wanted to tell her out conviction that he would probably do the same to her but there was a part of me that was jealous. Another part was relieved, yet another hurt and scarred to come forward.
For her it was worse. I heard stories that he beat her daily, in front of her young daughter. Many times she ran out of her own house to seek safety from neighbors, one who happened to be my friend.
I say that to say to you, maybe that experience was not for me to warn her… God knows he could have killed me for doing so, but maybe it was for this day to come so that I could share this story with you.
Abusive people play on your emotions as much as they do on the physical body. There is a term for what abusive people pull on their targets: FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt). It is a power struggle which these tools are used to manipulate others into staying in unhealthy situations that hurts them mentally, physically, or emotionally.
Do not sell yourself short. Jimi Hendrix said “When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.” I tell you that God is love and all powerful. Realize you are an awesome being that has the potential to do great things through God’s power. Read 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 regarding the expectations of love if you like.
You have the power to break the cycle. You have the power to confront your feelings through the spirit of God, through Christ. These feelings of fear, guilt, obligation, hope, confusion do not rule you. They are just as much of a passing moment as joy, happiness, and excitement. Surrender your circumstances to God. Take full benefit of what your life has been designed to do. Do not conform to the pressure of this man. He will have a field day in making you into the image that he would like you to be. Imagine him as the potter pressing the clay under his fingertips to create an image from his own heart and mind. Ask yourself do you want to be subjected into what he wants to mold you to be? Let no man or woman dim your light!
You must fill yourself up with subsidence. To do this, allow God to transform you internally. Then you can use this awakening to demand nothing less than your significant other to respect you and your family. You may call God anything you wish and follow any religion you wish. I speak from a perspective of a Christian but please seek God with all your heart and follow the path where ever it leads YOU. No person in this world should have to endure violence, fear, or disrespect. Make God your heart center and look at the situation from the outside in. Ask yourself this question, would you allow your children to be treated the way he is treating you?
Domestic Violence Statistics:
• One in four women (25%) has experienced domestic violence in her lifetime.
• Intimate partner homicides accounted for 30% of the murders of women and 5% percent of the murders of men.
• On average between 1993 and 2004, children under age 12 were residents of households experiencing intimate partner violence in 43% of incidents involving female victims.
• Studies suggest that between 3.3 - 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually.
Your anonymous neighbor......