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From the eyes of the sidelines

I have been feeling fairly alone recently. Though I am surrounded by people who love me, which is all I should really hope for, I feel like I cannot give them the attention they need from me.
I am the partner of a transgender male, and though I love him very much, I feel as though he is so wrapped up in his own transition that he doesn't seem to notice how much it actually effects me.
You see, before he started transitioning, I had been considered a lesbian in my circle of friends for several years. Now I have to deal with people questioning whether I actually care about him, as if our relationship of 4 years doesn't hold water now that he's a man. On top of this, I feel like I have to worry about him now because he has been out as a trans male on the news recently.
The next thing, gender specific anyways, is that my mother is having a hard time now that I identify as genderfluid. It just feels like she never wanted what I've become, like maybe she just wanted a hegemonic eldest daughter who can give her grandchildren within the next year or so, but this isn't something I want for myself.

I hope this makes sense. I've never done anything like this before, I just.. Feel like I need someone to talk to.

Comments

Wendyiscalm's picture

Hi Paige

Hi Paige,

I don't know what made me turn on WP tonight but I did and I am glad I happened upon your story. I feel for you. You have many things going on, all of them huge losses and changes. Yes, you DO need someone (s) to talk to. Are there any groups in your area? In the meantime, I don't know if you can get on my profile and go to the story about women empowerment. I think it is an article from September 16th or so.

But to you . . . do you ever wake up in the morning asking "What's wrong with me?" That is the wrong question. The question is "Whose wrong for me?" I know you love your husband. You probably always will. But he cannot give you what he wants and he is very wrapped up in his own transition and cannot see you or your needs. Your mother loves you but she is going through this like a huge loss and is experiencing the grief you are experiencing. Every thing you talk about contributes to the problem and the way you feel.

But the problem really is that you are not being your authentic self. This is scary, I imagine, because if you become your authentic self, you step out of the comfort zone and lose your husband and make your mom unhappy by not giving her grandchildren. But it is going to happen anyway. If not today, then soon in the future. Your husband has nothing to give you. There is someone (s) who do have what you need but it is not him. This is going to take a lot of working through. I don't know if you believe in God or not so I will call it the universe. As an older person, I know that when the universe has bigger things in store for you and knows you need to take a different path, the universe makes it happen. This is what you are going through. You are going to be okay. You will not feel good today but you are headed to something greater, deeper and more fulfilling than you have been living through recently.

I wish I knew what more to say. Perhaps seeing a therapist that specializes in this sort of thing or grief or something like that. You do need someone to talk to . This is a lot for you to handle. But you must be a terrific person to have such feelings and sensitivity. I am here for you if you want to write again.

Love and Ubuntu(I am who I am because of who we are together),

Wendy

Wendy Stebbins
Founder/CEO
I AM ONE IN A MILLION Non-Profit Organization focused on helping street orphans and vulnerable children in Livingstone, Zambia Africa.

Emily Anyango's picture

Take refuge with God

Hi,
I am a born again Christian and I come to learn that with God nothing goes wrong and he is the solution.Talk to God and ask him to give you the guidance with restoration,it is never late with him,he will make changes in your thinking and when you are changed in your spirit then you will see everything as normal.God is God,Amen!!!meet me at ;;http//ketwangiwordpress.com.
Emily

ketwangi orphanage and learning center Kisumu Kenya

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