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And When Dreams Die

I’m struggling with a rising spasm in my throat. My heart is being torn. I feel choked. “What have I done with the 24 years of my life?” I ask myself. Just in the name of a hopelessly unattainable dream, I have wasted myself. Tears well into my eyes as I fall into a reverie. I had decorated all my childhood with the flowery curtains of my only dream, the dream of being recognized as a writer. And everything looked comfortable from that vantage point. I shudder to think of the time when my dreams fell from the sky like the yellow leaves from the trees. Even so, I kept grasping for straws years later thinking it’s always darkest before the dawn. That life's an unpredictable mistress- you win some, you lose some. But there came no answer until the broken fragments of my dreams were mixed with dust. And nothing was left to hang my hopes upon. For fragments could be joined somehow but how could one sift his broken dreams from the dust? I didn't know how to make up the loss. The dreams I nourished since childhood had gone forever into nothingness.

As a child, I used to write articles in the local newspapers. Gradually I began to think of making it my career; I wanted my pen to write about all the pain in this world. “My pen would be the crutch for all the people who have been reduced to silence by those in power,” I used to say. It was all smooth sailing until I completed my college. And suddenly I couldn't keep pace with reality. There was darkness and confusion in my soul. I felt as though I was guided all through my life by a hand that had suddenly gone missing; I was all these years walking upon a crutch that had been snatched by an unknown hand. I was lost.

The person I first approached was an editor with some newspaper who had been at that time in the news for the re-launch of his magazine. I compiled data and stories for one complete year, but the magazine didn't ever hit the stands. My heart was rent to pieces. I cried like a child who had been torn away from her mother, like a blind who had been made to stand in the midst of a street alive with traffic.

A year later I gathered up my courage and sent my résumé to another editor who asked me to forward him my previous works. He later called me to his office only to say that they didn't have any vacancies. It seemed as though I were just going round in circles. No wonder I have been made a fool by my dreams. And my own people have added to the misery. But I didn't give up. While some weren't interested in my ideas of writing about women, others simply put before me the real face of media which actually reduces the definition to a mere shop where only the news that sells is given preference. I have lost count of the people I met in connection with my dream. I gave up finally just because I was unable to endure their abysmal reasons anymore.

And when I had lost all the hope of writing again, World Pulse updated about the 2013 VOF program on Facebook. Writing has been my first love. And when love beckons to you, do you for a second think of the sorrows it has brought to you? The same happened; I didn't for a second think about my decision of not writing again but registered for the course right away. Incidentally, did I tell you I've registered for an NGO just a few days back? Yes. It would focus on women and child rights, insha'Allah. My pen didn't get a chance to be your beacon which is fair enough because dreams don't always come true. But I'll definitely be your crutch through this initiative I've taken.

Thank you WP for helping me reconcile with my love, for imbuing in me the power to dream again.

Comments

bhavna's picture

Power to your pen

Dear Taha,

The write up is heart rendering! I personally think, you are an excellent writer, with a style which is eloquent and the use of imagery is excellent. It has continuous flow, allowing the readers to flow with your thoughts. Don't let your dreams die, rejection is what imparts the edge and it is there in your writing. You are a promising writer! Keep going on, without stopping, There will come a day when your dreams will materialize.

Best wishes n love :)

Taha Mirani's picture

Thank you

Thank you so much, dear Bhavna for those encouraging words. I feel extremely honoured.

Insha'Allah, I look forward to the day.

Blessings from this side :)

Love

Taha Mirani

TJ's picture

...the dreams that die yet live...?

Sometimes our dreams are covered with illusions and we lose sight of them yet they are there. The good thing is that you didn't loose it completely! :) Keep writing :) I really loved this piece...

Taha Mirani's picture

Thank you

Thank you so much for the kind words, dear. Bless you :)

I second that. My dream wasn't really dead, I had only stopped myself from thinking about it.

Love

Taha Mirani

Ruth Bech's picture

Salute!

Never give up on yourself - if there are no editor that will publish you: Publish yourself. You have the command of words, you are who you perceive yourself to be. We all have that voice inside that build us up to tear us down, the inner child wanting to be loved. I believe, strongly, that our childhood dreams and goals are in closer contact with our true being than the voices commanding us to adhere to the masses in order to fit into a social agenda. We are not here to fit in, we are here to change the agendas. And to do so, you are very much needed as an architect.
Much love,
Ruth

Taha Mirani's picture

Thank you

Thank you so much, dear Ruth.

Indeed. Had web 2.0 not been with us, it wouldn't be possible for us to be our own editors, our own proofreaders, our own judges. Now is the time to speak up for ourselves, to give a vent to our pent up emotions. As you said, we are not here to fit in. We are here to change the agendas. (y)

Love

Taha Mirani

My best wishes are with you - to pass through to the end of 6 months. And who knows you might be the lucky person to do the speaking tour in US.
This journey will definitely increase your chances of getting your dream job - as you will be able to refine your writing and build your own voice.

All the best to you

Aminah

Salaam
Aminah

Taha Mirani's picture

Thank you

Dear Aminah, thank you so much for the encouragement. You're too kind. I don't know whether I'd be able to make it to the program or not but one thing I can be sure of, I will continue to write. The encouragement I have found here is enough to keep me resoulte on my decision.

Best to you too :)

Love

Taha Mirani

libudsuroy's picture

Taha, what do you think of

Taha, what do you think of this pact of sisterhood: we continue to write at least a single post a month in our World Pulse Journal, no matter what happens? This training program phase ends in two weeks, and if we get lucky, in five months. But the responsibility of advocacy writing goes on, beyond these periods -- if we are really committed to the tasks and the joys and adventures of having a relationship with your writing self. :) <3

Blessings,
libudsuroy/Lina Sagaral Reyes
Mindanao, The Philippines

''Every Day is a Journey and the Journey itself is Home.'' (Matsuo Basho)

Taha Mirani's picture

Dear Libudsuroy

Dear Libudsuroy. I strongly agree with you on this. No doubt, we are here on this VOF journey for a short period of time, but we aren't going to stop here. We will stand up for our rights through our posts :)

Together we will make a difference. <3

Love

Taha Mirani

Lia@WP's picture

Fulfilled dreams

Hi, Taha

Dreams die when hope is gone.
I feel that you are still embracing your hope, hence your dreams are still alive.
Continue hoping and believing that your passion will lead you to more dreams and fulfilled dreams!

Best,
Lia

lia

Taha Mirani's picture

Thank you

Dear Lia, thank you for your valuable comment. God bless you :)

True that. Hope is something I can't afford to part ways with. I believe it is only my hope and faith that keeps me going. Though I might at times feel like there is no hope in me especially when I experience moments of frustration. As luck would have it, the update of WP on Facebook helped kindle in me the hope to write again.

Love

Taha Mirani

The longer you wait for something, the more you'll appreciate it when it comes to you because anything worth having is worth waiting for.

I am so glad you held on to your dream and it brought you here to us. We are listening and cannot wait to hear more from you.

Taha Mirani's picture

Thank you

Thank you very much, dear Janice for your worthy comment. Your words fill me with enthusiasm. And I'm loving the feeling it brings. Even today when I look back at my life, a feverish chill runs through my spine. Sigh. Life has been pretty unjust. But then, that is the way life actually behaves at times. I should have no complaints now that I have been blessed with WP community. And I believe all the wonderful people are here with me. Thank you all :)

Love

Taha Mirani

Mukut's picture

Beautiful piece

Taha,

This piece is heart touching and beautiful. We all have struggled in our lives and asked the same question, "what did we do all these years?

You managed to hold on and now you have us, Wp and the amazing connection of global sisters.

Thank you for sharing this.
Love,

Mukut Ray

Taha Mirani's picture

Thank you

Dear Mukut, thank you so much. I'm glad you liked it.

Indeed, now I've you, WP, and all the lovely sisters with me in the struggle. We shall overcome one day (y)

Love

Taha Mirani

Sharontina's picture

Powerful!

What a powerful pen you have. You really are an inspiration to many dear. Keep sharing.

Love

Merlin Sharontina

Taha Mirani's picture

Thank you

Thank you, Sharon :)

Your writing style is very effective as well. Love it. Power to you (y)

Love

Taha Mirani

Maya Norton's picture

Keep on writing, Taha. It's

Keep on writing, Taha. It's in your blood. I feel privileged to be on this journey with you.

~ Maya

Taha Mirani's picture

Thank you

Dear Maya, thank you so much. Trust me, I'm more than happy to be with you all here on WP :)

Bless you.

Love

Taha Mirani

Helwa's picture

You are a Hero

I mean it not just because I want to make you feel better but because you deserve it. I have so far read 2 of your story and interesting bit of it I just want to keep reading in fact can't accept have done reading the story. Dear sister follow your dream, listen to your inner most feeling and finally make it.

You are a writer and not just a writing but a hero. Everyone is a hero in her own way always keep that and go for your dreams

Ayshah

Taha Mirani's picture

Thank you

Dear Aysha, thank you so much :)
Your words act like a cold hand on my fevered brow. And I'm feeling much better after having shared my story with you all. WP rocks!

Indeed we all possess some special talent within us. The need is to make proper use of it; we shouldn't let it die.

Thank you again.

Love

Taha Mirani

Dear Taha,

your time will come I'm sure! And sometimes I think there is something like life is testing you- how DEEPLY do you want something? How FAR will you go?
I hear in your story a fire that kept on burning no matter what. You have proven yourself countless times. A revolution from the inside...
You play with words with the easiness of a child and the wisdom of a tree. It is beautiful and touching to read..

Stand tall and congrats on the great job you seemed to have gotten!

Jana

Taha Mirani's picture

:)

Dear Jana. Thank you so much for the kind words. They fill me with strength.

Actually you're right about the 'testing times'. God is just and I am a strong believer. And I also believe that things really happen for good. I'm only trying to discover why am I not made for the dream I have woken up every morning with. 'cos God knows how deeply I want it to come true, how far I have gone to achieve this. HE alone knows it all.

Thank you very much for the good wishes. Hope I'm able to make it big.

Love

Taha Mirani

Dana Anderson's picture

Write, Write, Write!

Hi Taha Mirani,
The vibrancy of your writing indicates a natural gift! Whatever happens, please never stop your writing. Even our personal journals can capture our voice and help us believe in ourselves. Even a small piece never read by anyone but yourself is a contribution to the positive spirit of humanity. We need you to write as much as you dream of writing!

Your piece is a reminder that we can all become discouraged in the face of obstacles, that we can feel trapped by the injustice of the world or of our situations. Yet it is also a reminder to always, always be on the watch for any small sliver of hope that can reach us at the most unexpected times. When we combine this watchfulness and openness with strength and leadership, we can build bright new futures.

I'm also curious--if you could write and publish one story right at this moment, what story would you choose?

Keep up the great work, and above all keep writing!

Best,
Dana

Taha Mirani's picture

Thank you

Dear Dana,

Thank you very much for the feedback. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm extremely happy to have your comment. And the encouragement you have poured here, I feel blessed.

I will insha'Allah continue to write. Though it is also true that I'm not ever going to approach any editor in the region, I will rather try to stand on my own.

As for the question you have asked, I have multiple ideas in my mind. But I'd definitely write about women. Hmm. Crimes against women, that would be. I'd bring forward the spine chilling incidents of sexual assualt on women especially in a conflict zone where you can't unmask the the perpetrators due to multiple reasons like the draconian AFSPA we have here in Kashmir.

Love

Taha Mirani

mjose3's picture

Hold on

Taha,

Hold on to your dreams. Every night must give way to the bright light that comes with every dawn. It will only be a matter of time. In the meantime you can keep writing and posting your stories onto your journal. You never know but it may reach far wider audiences!

Lisa

Taha Mirani's picture

True

Dear Lisa, thank you very much for the kind words. I'm also waiting for the sunshine to bring warmth in my life which lies almost in darkness.

The encouragement from all the beautiful people like you keeps me strong and resolute. I'm not going to let my dreams die, I'll continue to write.

Love

Taha Mirani

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