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My Story: Like a Phoenix Rising from the Ashes

A few years ago, I suffered from a complete depressive, bipolar breakdown and did not even know it. I learned months later that it was early onset of menopause. My body was craving things it was not getting, my hair was falling out, and I truly thought I was going mad. During my life, I never allowed myself the luxury of slowing down. While I was pregnant, my husband made it very well known that pregnancy was not a disease and he expected me to do anything that he needed or wanted me to do, I never had a chance to cry, or scream, or go out with the girls. I was too busy working and keeping my mind focused. But, one day, something inside of me snapped. My inner dragon screamed to get out. Everything was coming to the surface, I was angry, I was sad, I wanted to be with friends, the social person I had once been was yelling and roaring to be what I was now.

To me when I look at this, I still feel like I should not be telling this to anyone. I feel like there are so many others with real world solutions and that I am just whining. But, it was so very real to me. I looked in the mirror and saw someone that I did not know. Someone that seemed old, and overly focused on work. Suddenly, the inner dragon took over. I began to exercise, to lose weight, and something I had not done in years, I began to spend money on myself. I did my hair, and my nails, I bought cute outfits with money I had earned. I look back now and I feel that I was so selfish during those times. I still feel guilty for allowing myself these pleasures. At that time is when I began to see people noticing me. Complimenting me, which I could not remember the last time anyone ever did that. It felt amazing. That power took hold and wrapped around me. Grabbed at my legs and began to pull me down in a whirlpool. I became someone else.

When my husband gave me an ultimatum of either I stop doing what I was doing or he would take the kids from me, I realized that I could never truly escape and that my beautiful family was more important to me than anything else in the world. I began seeking out and reaching for comfort. I turned to as many depression sites that I could, but none of them gave me any comfort. I was on medications for depression, anxiety and many vitamins for menopause, but I needed voices I needed comfort.

PulseWire gave me that comfort. Here there was a group of women, strong beautiful women that had voices. Everyone had been through trials of their own and yet we can all meet here and chat for a brief moment. Reading all of the other stories inspired me. Brought me to a much better place.

My stories seem to pale in comparison to many I read here, everyone is so talented. But, my voice is heard. I have a few women friends now. I am so blessed to have stumbled upon this site. If not for this, I may not have made it through my darkest fog.

Missyann Rose

Comments

kirthijay's picture

Missyan, you are by no means

Missyan, you are by no means less talented! What a woman does is not easy - to be a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend and even a granddaughter is not the same as it is for a man to be a son, a father, a brother or a grandfather. For a woman, it is walking that extra mile, knowing that they are the spines of their families. It is the very reason that sexual violence prevails so easily in conflict: it is the "surest" way of destroying the enemy - though the wrongest way at that.

You, Missyan, are inherently talented as every woman is inherently talented.

And the way you wrote what you did? Beautifully letting your inner voice resonate so we can hear you roar all the way here - that's AWESOME!

Mukut's picture

Yes Rose, you have risen

You have risen and taken note. Am happy that you found Pulsewire as your guide to let you get away from depression. Do not ever feel bad or sorry of what happened in the past. That's gone. Ahead lies your future, your friends, your life which is to be lived happily.

We are all with you. Do not lose hope. You are precious to us and to the world.

Love,

Mukut Ray

Precious M's picture

Thank God for Pulsewire

My dear Rose,

You are special. There's nothing like your beautiful family. Thank God for Pulsewire where we can comfort each other.

Thank you so much for sharing your story.

Much love

Precious

My pen speaks

Aminah's picture

Often times we go through so

Often times we go through so very confusing moments in our life.
And we start to blame ourselves. Others do it and we do it more.
We believe it is selfish to want happiness. We are in fact made to believe it.
We are blamed and we are put at fault.

We are human as much as the our male counterparts.
We need freedom and a sense of power and independence as much as our male counterparts.
I have started to believe that it is the invisible chains that depresses us.

It's time to move forward.

Glad you are here and sharing your story - as the saying goes when we share our problems it is already half solved.

We will keep fighting this together.

Love
Aminah

Salaam
Aminah

Saving Angel's picture

"But, my voice is heard"

Missyann, it takes so much courage and belief in yourself to do what you did here in this post. To do what you did when you joined World Pulse. For this and every struggle you have ever had to go through, I commend you. You are an amazing mother, wife, daughter, friend etc. and you deserve all the respect and love that you will receive here and anywhere you go. I hope through the support you get here you will continue to believe in yourself and grow as an independent woman.

Much love & respect xoxoxo

bhavna's picture

Hi Dear

Dear your story by no means is pale. What a woman endures and still rises is very complimenting and you have done it. You are indeed a fighter... We are all here for you. Keep sharing

love
bhanva

TJ's picture

forgive any repetition...

I haven't read through all the comments above but one thing I wanted to say: it is never EVER wrong for you to focus on yourself for a bit. You might feel guilty for doing so because it's how us women are built - we tend to put others before ourselves - their needs and wants before ours. I think women should ensure that they do spend time on themselves - we need to ensure we are doing good because, too often, others forget to take care of us.

I'm happy you found a support group!

Lots of love
TJ

chargerrose7's picture

Time well spent

Thank you for that. I am trying to not feel guilty about spending time on myself.

MissyRose

Dear Missy Rose,

Thank you for writing your statement and being so brave to say things that fell dangerous. You will find that the more you share your voice, the more you will hear the echoes of your sisters calling back to you -- they will say "Yes, I have felt the same things" or "No, we must not feel bad for wanting to be the person we feel we truly are on the inside"....
From now on, you are part of a global community and we all want to hear about your life, your feelings, your dreams and how you can realize those dreams. This is why we are here now, not to be selfish or indulgent but rather to be able to tell the difference between being selfish and being afraid.

When you can hear other brave women speaking out about their lives, you will start to understand your own situation more clearly. You will realize that wanting to be beautiful and feel beautiful is very important to your health and well being as well as the health and well being of your children. It is a woman's place to show her beauty to the world and share the love of all things through this expression of creativity.

Anyone who wants you to deny your the power of feeling and being who you are, is not being respectful of you. These people can be taught to understand by watching you prosper and feel joy and connect with others who recognize your beauty and the value it has to inspire others. This is how we heal our communities of jealousy and fear and competition. We must start at the root of our being, the relationship we have with ourselves. When you learn to express yourself more and more and share this expression, and protect your right to do this, you will move mountains and help others change and learn to be themselves as well. This is what I believe. I believe in you and your statement.

Thank you for sharing who you are. You are strong and you deserve to feel beautiful. Let no one take this away from you.

Warmly,

MiKaBo

Kate Hartley's picture

Can you feel the support?

Oh Missyan,

There is not a woman among us who has not struggled to discover and cultivate her unique voice in the world. You are not alone. You deserve to shine and be heard. One of my favorite definitions of power is " the ability to affect change in our lives." You are discovering your own power....and as I read the comments above, you have found a sisterhood of support.

" We must start at the root of our being, the relationship we have with ourselves. "....you are so right!

Wishing you the very best,
Kate

Kate Hartley
"Let Your Life Speak"
www.fullcirclestudio.biz

CourtneyPaige's picture

Supporting Each Other

Dear Missyann,

Thank you for sharing your personal and intimate story. It certainly seems to have been a difficult road you have traveled, and I am very glad to hear that finding a community of women that supports and inspires each other has helped with your struggles. I think that you show clearly how strong a community like this can be, and how much it can lift us all up. I particularly appreciate the focus on how much difference it has made in your own life (and many of ours as well) to simply have your voice heard.

Thank you again for sharing.

Kind regards,

Courtney

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