My initial purpose for writing was in the spirit of loving my daughter Nayo. I have been catching up with her through facebook until I was blocked. Now I am looking forward to December 8, 2012 when she will be on television with Solidad on CNN on a nation show entitled: Black in America. I am have experience much remorse because she has been denied access to her "Black Mother" so I wonder how can she know what it is really like to be black in America. I have been wondering how to voice the pain I am experiencing because of the abuse I suffered in the relationship with her father. For many years I didn't even know what type of abuse to call what he did to me. Why, one may ask? Because he never laid a hand on me. He never hit me physically but he attacked me all other ways, financially, socially, racially, spiritually and emotionally. These are the silent abuses that go unnoticed until one day I wake up and realize my very soul is under attack and someone is trying to snack it out of my body. How you ask? That is the topic of another story.
Truly I want to express my initial ignorance to the many forms of domestic violence. One would think I should have known because after all I grew up in a domestic violence household, but it was physical, and verbal and I could see it. I did not know there were hidden forms of domestic violence. The kind that lies in the shadows appearing as night mares, when in reality they are wake calls from your soul that it is under attack and you need to counter attack, if armed, or escape if you have been crippled emotionally, socially or economically. Most women are able to flee with their children, but what about women whom men married simply to get the children. What about women who are silently being used as mules to produce daughters that men can use and abuse silently. What if some men are truly not just after the vulnerable but after the innocent to corrupt them from birth! Well this was my secret horror and it has taken me long to unpact the trauma, scares and reality it left for dead, buried in my unconscious memory.
I am coming Undone again, in the wake of my healing and awakening into this spirit that is constantly transforming, renewing, reviving and healing me. This immortal spirit of creation turning me into something more powerful, right and just to move from survival ship to becoming a thriver in my own right through self-realization.
When I speak of domestic violence it is impacted with a historical legacy of the fist act of domestic violence that occurred when my ancestors were taken from our homeland in Africa. It left an imprint on my family, culture and race that I am seeking to erase. Can this magnitude of trauma be undone? I don't know but I am certainly seeking all means necessary to remove violence from my psyche/soul and become a whole being of creation. I know that enslavement first occurred with women, and the first people on earth who live in Africa. Having lived in Africa, I can no longer deny the part they played in enslavement and I am no longer blaming one race but humanity for its acts of cruelty on people and animals. Until love reigns over all beings and within all beings we will continue to suffer.
Women were fist enslaved in Ethiopia and recruited to mine the salt mines in Arabia. Women were the first rulers of earth and their rulership came under attack with the ending reign of the Queen of Sheba in Ethiopia. I lived worked and studied the life of this queen in Axum, Ethiopia. I have been obsessed with herstory because I intuitively sense it was connected to the suffering of all women. Imagine being told the story from birth that this powerful queen who ruled all of Africa from present day Nigeria to present day Egypt, was enslaved by a lesser King who ruled in a small then village in Africa. Imagine as we have all been taught to accept, she who ruled with such compassion, wealth and status, was reduced to a slave. Then along comes a religion that tells us to accept this as our true position, because the person who wrote it was given the right to rule all women under the name of a particular deity. Well, if you can imagine this then you know why we as women are in the position we are in, because we too have bought the hype that we are lesser more vulnerable beings that deserve to be ruled.
What does this have to do with loving Nayo: Everything and nothing at all. Getting pregnant with Nayo was my waking call to who I am as a spirit in a feminine body. My knowledge of the feminine aspects of creation and willingess to accept it cost me my two daughters, in ways that I can't explain in this post. Suffice it to say, I do all that I do not to restore me to my daughters but first to restore me back to my mother of creation. In honor of she who was first stripped from the minds of her children who were brainwashed into believing she never existed except as a ghost, called a Holy Ghost in some religious traditions. We were brain washed into believing we were abandonded as my daughters have been brain washed into believing that I who nursed Nayo for four years, through my pregnancy and birth of her daughter could ever just abandon her without any outside influence from her father. When I discovered the Mother of Creation, I was angry, scared and confused. I did not know why accepted religious doctrines had hidden her in the very book they were using as their authoritative text on religion. Yet, it was in that very book I discovered her existence.
Why didn't I see it before in all the 25 years I'd been studying the text? I was brain washed, and taught to look at the world through the eyes of a particular religious doctrine, until my soul rebelled. In my rebellion, I was hunted down like the slaves of old, striped bear naked of my daughters and released into the world empty handed, with my womb bleeding from its loss. I was thrown away by my said husband into the streets, abandoned, abused and confused, wondering around in the darkness trying to find my way back to my daughters. I have yet to complete my journey back to them, but on this road, I am picking up other survivors and turning them into thrivers and women of hope, courage and healing. I am on a mission despite my tradegy, to be the change I want to see in the world. First, by transforming my pain into energy utilized to transform others who have met with violence through the hands of another. Second, by empowering women spiritually and economically. I have taken a vow of poverty in service to womankind which will extend its reach through the loving transformative power of women, to changing the world. I am no longer afraid of my mission but embracing the role I am to play in this process of restoring men and women to co-exist in harmony with women, rightly sharing the throne with men.
Who am I you may ask to take on this charge, just another immortal being continue the work, she began long ago. I am like you. I may be different in color, education, financial status, and in other ways, but like you, I too shall one day leave this body, but I will have left a legacy behind. One that you, my daughter and others may decide to take up and never stop fighting until violence has been erased from the world and love rules once again. So, to you, our daughters, my daughters and my son and sons yet unborn, I say, hers to loving Nayokai the original name of the mother of Creation given by the ancient Ethiopians/Kushites/Egyptians/Kemetians and first spiritualist and the name of my two daughters Nayo and Kai, may love once again join us in one whole matrimony of love, to heal this planet and restore us all to our rightful place in the universe!