SOME WOMEN DO HAVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Pt 1
The essence of this article “SOME WOMEN DO HAVE THEM” is to help identify and deal with some peculiar negative traits that makes us vulnerable to gender violence as women or sometimes makes us the catalyst to gender violence experience by our fellow women. There are several personality traits that individuals have imbibed over the years that are responsible for how other people behave towards them and how they behave towards people. Many of them may not even be aware that such traits are in operation in their lives so they carry on their dealings with people as though nothing needs to be changed in them. These traits are like the little foxes that ordinarily seem harmless, but do the most damage to the vine.
I have a friend; she is presently an officer in the Army. She once told me how and why she joined the military. As a young girl growing hope; she was referred to as a “tom boy”, she does what people will refer as “boys stuff” (gender socializations). Getting into fights was normal- she claims its for self defence of her rights and those she feels were been oppressed. She was indeed a full hands and always getting into troubles. Her mum had a filled day managing her through her high school years. When she finished her high school, her mum was relieved that finally the opportunity has come to marry her off since she has grown into a young lady. Her mum asked her uncle to find her a mature husband that will tolerate her excesses, according to her mum; she does not want a young man that will constantly beat her up due to her temperament. Her Uncle came up with just the right man and he reported this to his sister (my friends’ mum), problem now is getting her to play along. A plan was conceived and implemented. Her Uncle asked her to escort him to the state house of assembly to visit his friend. She was excited and so she did, unknown to the man was the husband to be. On getting there, the man was expecting them so he took them to his house (he was widowed), after entertaining them towards evening, her Uncle excused himself that he will be back shortly and left. Much later, my friend realised that her uncle was not coming back that night and that she has been lured there. She began to cry. The man told her he wanted to marry her and he promised to take good care of her. She told him she was not prepared for marriage yet because she will like to be a doctor. He was a good man so he asked her why she was troublesome and always getting into fights. She gave her reasons for the fights. The man believed her and told her he had friends in the army and suggested that she joins the army where her strength can be put into better use and while at it, she can also pursue her dream of becoming a doctor. She agreed and he helped as promised and today she is a dentist and a military officer.
I will tell you of an incidence that is not pleasant and did not end happily ever after like that of my friend. This story took place within my community some years ago. There was a couple that lives next door to my friends’ dressmaker, they had four kids; the man often complains that the wife was cheating on him and he couldn’t get her to stop even after constant beating. One day, he got back from wherever it was that he went to and he called his nuclear family together and his sister in-law that was living with them; he asked everyone what they wanted to drink and he sent the sister in-law to get the drinks- what was the reason for the celebration they asked and his answer was that there will be a big event in the house tomorrow and they are celebrating in anticipation of it. They drank and made merry and in the night everyone went to bed. Early hours of the morning, the household and neighbours awoke to a person’ screams and cries of agonized pains. The man had poured fuel and light up the wife while she was sleeping. She was covered in flames by the time help got to her so it was too late to rescue her- She was burnt to dead. The man claimed it was honour killing. He was arrested but unfortunately before he could be tried in court, a report was released by the police that he died in custody. Who knows if this is true?
Gender violence can never be excused but we have had stories where the violence is attributed to “honour killings”, “domestic violence” etc. This is a crime against nature and must be handled as such but truth is that no matter the punishment meted on the abuser, the life of the victim is oftentimes lost to the crime and the damage done to the victims loved ones. Often, the perpetrators claim that they were pushed to commit the crimes by the women and I really do wonder at their excuses. Do women really have some traits that could actually bring out a beast in a man or make a sane man become insane? In my discussion with women, do you realise that I have actually met a few that claims they enjoy sex better after been beaten by their partners? Some cannot even take decision by themselves and derive enjoyment from been totally dependent on a man.
Oh my sisters, why do we do these to ourselves, we allow ourselves to be abused in various different ways. Can you imagine what would have become of my friend if she had allowed her mum to push her responsibility of managing her to another? Wouldn’t her right as an individual been abused? What does one say of the woman that knows her husband had constantly beaten her up yet chose to remain with the man until he killed her?