I recently went to a motivational seminar where the speaker said there are three dominant qualities you fall back on when you are under stress. His three qualities were confidence, charm and eloquence. Lucky guy, I thought, What are mine?
Today I realised that one of my three is AVOID, the second is become OVERWHELMED by CRUSHING DEFEAT. When I find the third I'll fill you in but for now I am working with two odious, negative, back-breaking qualities.
AVOID kicks in when i am in an unfamiliar setting, pushed into conversation I generally strategically lead the conversation to a dead end and quietly walk away. Often if I see a missed call on my phone i will put my phone on silent so I won't have to confront the situation. I AVOID. I take my digital footprint off the grid.
OVERWHELMED by CRUSHING DEFEAT kicks in when I do something wrong. I tell myself I have let everybody down. I will forever have a permanent black mark on my record. I'll never get to achieve what I want in life. I've always been stupid and now everyone knows. My one mistake will cost me my future. My mother will pick up the phone tomorrow and tell everyone how irresponsible and stupid I am. Why do I try to do anything when everything I try to do well fails? I will just not try anymore.
So what happened today to make me feel like crap? I wrote unemployed on my visa application and submitted it. My sister yelled at me that I they will never give an unemployed person a visa. that i have ruined my chances for a visa. My dad grinned like the cheshire cat and said, well, you'll just have to live with this. My God. Did I do something so wrong? Of course I will one day get the visa, maybe the embassy will let me withdraw my visa...I don't know. One mistake and it goes on your permanent record. your life is over. NO! NO! NO! my life is not over. there are other countries to visit. I will keep trying and I will not let this get me down or let them continue treating me like I am stupid.