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Hello World, It's me Laolu!

I have been mulling over in my mind how to end this phase of the journey and my eureka moment came this morning as I took my daily run. I decided that the best way would be to let it all out. Just rid myself of my inhibitions - self imposed and society imposed.

I have come to a new me; a me that is coming into her own voice, a new voice - a voice that hopes will not be silenced again. This is a a whole new era and feeling for me and I intend to milk it for what its worth. I now appreciate all that I have had to experience in order to be able to even type these word.

All of my life, I have had to deal with intense self doubt and self loathing that made me question my purpose, the reason for my being upon this earth. Don't get me wrong, I was neither physically abused nor emotionally abused - at least no more than any other Nigerian child - I always felt I had to work extra hard to earn the love or notice of people, that just to be acceptable, I had to be extra special and be 'good'. Doing this I now realize, took up so much of my time and energy and gave me little time to love me or discover what it was I was - am about.

For me, I found solace in my head. I internalized me. I gave to the world only that which I assumed would make it love me. So much so that whenever there was a crack in the shield and a little of me came to the fore, people would take a double take and ask why I was being out of character. I waited and waited for when I would find my voice and then I would come out be heard.

My fear became dimmed when I had my first child and dimmer when the second came - my daughter - my second chance to ensure that I was not repeated. That she would not need to bury her voice in her self, in things, in food as I had done. That she would fell free, wanted and empowered enough to make her mark in this world and be heard.

I am sure that if you had read my other posts, you will by now know that I am diabetic. Well, the one thing I left out all this while was that the depth of my self loathing was after the diagnosis was handed to me. I felt cheated, like I had been short-changed, I had wasted all this time being what others wanted and spent no time trying for me. I was angry, I asked 'why me?' and then two angels in the forms of my brother and my dear friend - Onyinye - said to me, 'use this, let it all out' and that is exactly what I am now doing. Telling my side of the story in the hope that maybe, one person - or more- would hear my voice and decide for herself that this cycle would stop.

My solitude is now ending. It is finding a home outside of me; in a space bigger than my head and in a way that can hep others. I hope that in journey to get this voice out, WorldPulse can be an able ally - as I would say a partner in criminality. This is my sole purpose for choosing this medium to let it all out. The wealth of support and love that I have felt and shared of on this portal is beyond what I could ever imagine possible. The mere chance that I could be given an even bigger opportunity to learn more and be given a platform to be heard in my world and beyond it, well, that is also beyond what I can imagine.

So to end it, I hope - I know this is not the end for me or of me - the new me. Join me on my journey as we all together join our voices to be better heard.

Comments

Onyinye's picture

Cool, I get a mention.

LOL.

Laolu, you are one of the strongest person I know and an inspiration to me.
You are one of the women I admire and your voice which speaks loudly can never be drowned out.
Your strength is amazing. Like I said, you inspire me.
Onyinye

mamalaw's picture

Nyinyi!

Nwannem! Ibu onye oma!

Nezed's picture

we join you.... as we

we join you.... as we journey together... Great write up...

I do not aim for Perfection; Just excellence!

mamalaw's picture

We'll make do with that ... For now!

Let's all get to excellence first, perfection will arrive in due course!

Thank you!

Titilope's picture

real self discovery. I am on

real self discovery. I am on the journey with you .

mamalaw's picture

Sis!

Thank you! My new sister!

Kemmy_O's picture

Hi Laolu

Hi Laolu..Wow...im still speechless. The feeling i have right now is the feeling of "Another sister on the road to discovery...sure we can travel together".. I salute your courage in the face of all these and im soo glad you dared to live your best life now! I also strive to live my best life now too and i try to encourage others to do same. I applaud you Laolu and hope we can be better friend. Im sending you a request. Kuddos

mamalaw's picture

Accepted.

thank you for your kind words and support.

soulhavenlisa's picture

Thanks

Thanks so much for sharing. I could totally relate. Especially with the line, "I found solace in my head". I've did that for a long time in my life as well. I am so happy that you have found your voice and are using it. We all need to hear it. You words are beautiful and inspiring.

Blessings,
Lisa

mamalaw's picture

Outward voices!

Thank you so much for taking the tome to share your thoughts. I am glad to meet others like yourself who have, like me, decided the voices have to be let out into the world and tp share our long silent story.

Let's together, end the silence.

earthwindfire's picture

Hello, World...

Thank you, Mamalaw, for this piece. Much of it involves your intrapersonal mind- and heartset in the years of your becoming, which indicates a significant level of introspection and reflection, within which you creates images of what the lives of young females are like in Nigeria. I appreciate the openness and clarity with which you disclose your inner life. Your determination to break the chain of patterned behavior and allowing your daughter to be free to 'make her mark on this world and be heard' is admirable. As a mom, I relate to these sentiments and objectives. Even in privileged segments of America, we are programmed to do as is expected/demanded. I am impressed by your wanting to expand these goals, to help others, to reciprocate in the support and affection you've felt through WP, and to be collaborative in having women's voices heard. Having been diagnosed with diabetes, you moved past the victim mentality of 'why me?' to try to help other women deal with the misfortunes of their lives and cultures - not an easy task, but an empowering one.
I give you a lot of credit and wish you luck and success in all your endeavors.

mamalaw's picture

Thank you.

'Thank you' seem so weak a term of appreciation for you kind words of encouragement. I never could have thought that I would receive such support from so many women far from my world. Thank you and let's all together make a change no matter what!

ruthibelle's picture

Awesome

So, is this is a coming out party or what?? I absolutely love the fact that you've decided to let it all out. It's a beautiful process to which I can relate. I totally love your essay. It's inspiring! I hope you find a wonderful home outside of your head to live, love and laugh freely.

Blessings,
Ruthibelle.

Love,
Ruthibelle
ruthibelle.blogspot.com

mamalaw's picture

Exactly!

You are right, it is a party and you are all invited. Thank you!

ruthibelle's picture

If it's a party ...

Then let's get the music and the memories going!! I'm in! :D :)

Love,
Ruthibelle
ruthibelle.blogspot.com

mrbeckbeck's picture

Hi Laolu,

Keep speaking up dear! We are here to listen. I think you've done a great job during this application and I look forward to watching you rise!

Lots of love,
Scott

Scott Beck
World Pulse Online Community Manager

mamalaw's picture

Thank you.

So glad to hear from you and thank you for your support throughout this process. I hope I will have the chance to work with you all even more in the future.

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