Hello World, It's me Laolu!
I have been mulling over in my mind how to end this phase of the journey and my eureka moment came this morning as I took my daily run. I decided that the best way would be to let it all out. Just rid myself of my inhibitions - self imposed and society imposed.
I have come to a new me; a me that is coming into her own voice, a new voice - a voice that hopes will not be silenced again. This is a a whole new era and feeling for me and I intend to milk it for what its worth. I now appreciate all that I have had to experience in order to be able to even type these word.
All of my life, I have had to deal with intense self doubt and self loathing that made me question my purpose, the reason for my being upon this earth. Don't get me wrong, I was neither physically abused nor emotionally abused - at least no more than any other Nigerian child - I always felt I had to work extra hard to earn the love or notice of people, that just to be acceptable, I had to be extra special and be 'good'. Doing this I now realize, took up so much of my time and energy and gave me little time to love me or discover what it was I was - am about.
For me, I found solace in my head. I internalized me. I gave to the world only that which I assumed would make it love me. So much so that whenever there was a crack in the shield and a little of me came to the fore, people would take a double take and ask why I was being out of character. I waited and waited for when I would find my voice and then I would come out be heard.
My fear became dimmed when I had my first child and dimmer when the second came - my daughter - my second chance to ensure that I was not repeated. That she would not need to bury her voice in her self, in things, in food as I had done. That she would fell free, wanted and empowered enough to make her mark in this world and be heard.
I am sure that if you had read my other posts, you will by now know that I am diabetic. Well, the one thing I left out all this while was that the depth of my self loathing was after the diagnosis was handed to me. I felt cheated, like I had been short-changed, I had wasted all this time being what others wanted and spent no time trying for me. I was angry, I asked 'why me?' and then two angels in the forms of my brother and my dear friend - Onyinye - said to me, 'use this, let it all out' and that is exactly what I am now doing. Telling my side of the story in the hope that maybe, one person - or more- would hear my voice and decide for herself that this cycle would stop.
My solitude is now ending. It is finding a home outside of me; in a space bigger than my head and in a way that can hep others. I hope that in journey to get this voice out, WorldPulse can be an able ally - as I would say a partner in criminality. This is my sole purpose for choosing this medium to let it all out. The wealth of support and love that I have felt and shared of on this portal is beyond what I could ever imagine possible. The mere chance that I could be given an even bigger opportunity to learn more and be given a platform to be heard in my world and beyond it, well, that is also beyond what I can imagine.
So to end it, I hope - I know this is not the end for me or of me - the new me. Join me on my journey as we all together join our voices to be better heard.