I wrote this journal entry when I was in my honours year at university. I was unsure of myself. I didn't believe I had any worth to give the outside world. I had no faith in the degree I was doing - a BA Hon in Culture, Media and Marketing. These doubts plagued me and made me focus only on getting a job. I had to get a job in order to prove that I could be a member of society and prove I had studied the right thing. The getting of the job consumed me and led me to horrible interviews where I was belittled and made to believe that companies had found out my secret. Obviously, the quest to get a job meant I said no to a boy and made my turmoil and self-hatred far greater and bottomless than i ever could realise.
I have decided to publish my journal entry because I think this issue of self-loathing is common within all women. At least I hope it is?
I’m falling behind. This feeling that I’m useless is creeping up on me. I can’t believe how stupid I am. This obsessive stalker stupid kind of crazy. What the hell is wrong with me? What What what what what? Hate it hate it hate it. Hate me. Hate me so much. Why I am this huge blob of nothing. I don’t feel like a person. No wait. Scratch that. I am all too aware that I am a person. Yet I know I am not an adequate person. God how I hate myself. I used to be bright and confident. People came to me. Yet, I’m sure I never believed in myself. I would like to believe in myself. How I would love to believe in myself.
Postgrad began as a serious endeavour. I would use the year to explore my options careerwise and simultaneously adjust to the concept of getting a job. And now that I’m at the end of everything…I really feel that I’m at the end. I don’t see myself working in an office. I don’t understand how I was so serious. So scared. I should have ….no. There’s no room in life for I should have. That’s what I used to believe at the beginning of the year. No regrets. That was my motto. But now I feel so sad that I have to bend myself to fit some corporate space. And also, I feel time is running out and people don’t want me around while I’m wasting space unsure of what my options even are.
So here’s what I think. I should have done a full Bcom Marketing Degree. How come other people knew about it and I didn’t? I mean, come on, Zama knew! Know what? I think I’m so clever, and I’m not. I lack such obvious skills such as gumption, get up and go, confidence. All this negativity ain’t good for me either.
And I should have given that boy my phone number. God I am so dramatic. All I saw was a story. I didn’t see him as a person. He was an obstacle I had to get over. God I gave him hell. Poor guy. He deserves it though coz he should have really fought for me. Why couldn’t he just ask me out? Why why why? I’m so sick of all this rejection. Really sick of it. If there was one thing I wanted this whole year it was him. I really wanted him. But y’see I thought I’m ugly and fat and my stomach makes weird noises and he makes me far too nervous for it to come to any good. Geez it’s so confusing. Why is everything so confusing? Wish things were simple.