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I refuse to be scared anymore

When you see things happen to other people, you say that can never happen to me, I’m an educated woman, I’m emancipated, I know what I want out of life and I know how to deal with such things. But when it does happen all you can think is, I can’t let people see me like this, I can’t let them know this happened to me. I got raped at school and our headmistress said I invited it, I got beaten by my husband and they said I provoked him, he does it again and they said I pushed him too far. And does he apologise, you wish. He says you asked for it. Show me a woman who asks to be raped, show me a woman who asks to be beaten up. Daily I ask myself, what is wrong with this picture; no-one is held responsible for their behaviour. It’s the victim who is made to feel like they did wrong, the victims have to live with the rope of shame around their necks, trying to make and believe excuses about why it happened to them.

The final straw was when he did it in front of my children. I remember the fear more than anything. Not fear that I was going to get beaten but fear of the effects the scene will have on my children. I saw my children cry on my behalf and I knew I had been quiet for far too long. I found an outlet in writing and as the words pour out so does the rage. Now I fight the dependency syndrome among women and empower women who are forced to stay in abusive marriages for the sake of their children or because they are too scared to face the world alone. I started working with sexually abused girls and victims of domestic violence, sharing their pain and letting them know that they are much stronger than the pain they are feeling.

It was when I was looking for writing opportunities online that I stumbled across Word Pulse and after interacting with other women and seeing what they are going through and how they have dealt with their circumstances, I know I am capable of changing the world, one word at a time. Now I walk with my head held high and I refuse to be ashamed anymore, I refuse to be scared and I know I have a community of women leaders, activists, and sisters on my side.


MaDube's picture

You are brave

Today a friend of mine in South Africa shared the news that a 19 year old girl she knows died from being beaten by her husband. Today. This happened today, one young life ended just like that. She was scared to leave, scared to speak out because this was not the first time it had happened. So I say you are brave because you walked away and came out of it stronger. Yes you are much stronger than the pain you felt and thank you for the wonderful work you are doing with other women in the same position you fought against and won.

cj's picture

Thank you MaDube for the

Thank you MaDube for the thumbs up. The fear and intimidation are what keeps us quiet. And you start thinking, maybe he won't do it again if I don't provoke him. But the more you keep quiet, the bolder he gets in his intimidation. He knows now that he can do it and you can't do anything about it, all because you kept quiet the first time he did it. Once you see yourself starting to list the reasons why he might have beaten you up and start making excuses for him, you are giving him the ammunition to do it all over again and again.


stephaniecubbon's picture

Keep sharing your gift

Wow, CJ! Thank you so much for sharing your words. Your story really gripped me, and I felt deep compassion for you as you opened up and told us about these horrific events. You have handled them strongly, and I do believe that you WILL change the world - you ARE changing the world - one word at a time. I'm sure that your words serve as strength for women -too many women - who are in similar circumstances.
Your writing is powerful and touching. Keep sharing your gift with the world!

cj's picture

Thank you

Thank you Stephanie. It means a lot to hear that because I haven't been a writer long so I still lack the confidence in my work or in my abilities.


Heather Shepp's picture

"one word at a time"

Your piece was very well written, you have an ability to draw readers in through your words! My favourite part was when you said, "I know I am capable of changing the world, one word at a time."

Thank you for sharing!

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