To CHOOSE is to BE
Some of the easiest years of my life were spent during my childhood. Why I say or believe that is because I soaked in the environment as it is, taking all adults and experts' views as rules written in stone and practiced without question. Those days, I saw 'questioning' as blasphemy. I wasn't even sure what codes would one be violating but nevertheless was led to believe like it was some sort of a malpractice. Fortunately for me, I wasn't brought up in a strict discipline that did not allow space to explore or a voice to lend. Yet, the concept of 'choice' and personal agency was very little.
As adolescence came around and I was forced in situations where my will had to determine much more than I just simply had learned by rote and rules, I found myself amidst a great struggle for words and dealt with the inability to action without consultation. Parallel to this, as more and more 'shoulds' became mandatory to my 'being' - whether it was my clothes, my choice in music, the way I spoke to boys etc. - I began questioning as to why it was more desirable or ideal for me to conform to certain ways that were naturally just different from mine. Before I knew it, I was labelled a 'tomboy' and I remember those years as "the golden era", when I pursued my interests unabashedly and learned that a woman was subject to being classified and labelled into types as per how she conformed. It was also the time I felt outcasted from the "feminine gender" and got caught between gender conflicts.
In order to further this understanding of human social behavior and to explore the existence of the 'self' within, I pursued the subject of Psychology for five years. During this period, I began writing "seriously" beyond the unsaid, self admitted secrets and desires that I would store away in my high school journal, which I'm sure served as a base to later writing with a reason, argument and context. I think my voice was still finding its courage which is why it was natural that I began with fiction.
With guidance from a dear friend in college, I was inspired to take up internships in magazines and volunteered in non profits which allowed for learning experiences that has made me what I am today. What I am today is certainly not the end of the journey but a place of greater confidence in the self and the belief that choice, consent and credibility should motivate my decision and action in all spheres of life.
Even though my journey wasn't easy, I realize that I still exist in a more privileged space where access is abundant, if not will or choice. Through World Pulse, I would like to motivate and mentor those for whom access may be limited and impart that without will or choice, its an eventual path to self destruction whether organic or existential.