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When culture takes over ...

by angelique gatsinzi | September 12, 2011 at 11:09 AM

angelique gatsinzi

Maziyateke

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We carefully placed new season stock on hangers while simultaneously putting chocolate covered malted milk biscuits in our salivating mouths. It was an early Saturday morning and I was working at my part-time job as a sales assistant in a women's clothes store. Everyone went in turns to say what they had been up to during the week - it seemed like everyone had been up to loads but when it was my turn I described the hell of writing a dissertation and soon the conversation turned into the pros and cons of university life. Then I asked the beautiful girl in the maxi dress, who seemed to know a lot about the teaching degree, whether she was at university at the moment. She shrugged, took a sip from her steaming cup of Nescafe coffee and said, 'no point in me having a degree because in our culture when you get married, you are expected to stay at home and look after the children while your husband works. You end up wasting it!' I was speechless - to the point where I just had to change the conversation because the air had somehow gone sour.

She felt judged and I felt stupid for making assumptions.

I knew this happened in the world, just never thought it would happen in Britain, to a girl who had been born and brought up a few miles away.

Last week parents of a girl called Shafilea Ahmed were charged over a suspected honour killing after her badly decomposed remains were found in February 2004 on the banks of the River Kent in Cumbria, following a flood. A young woman who had ambitions to become a lawyer, killed because she did not want to marry the man her parents had found for her in Pakistan. And her story is not unique.

I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that no matter how removed you are from your country, your culture always takes precedence. So you see not all women in rich countries are empowered and in the position to make their own choices. We are all in this fight together.

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Comments

You are right, the elements that shape our character especially culture and religion always follow us wherever we are. In fact for some people, the farther they are away from home the more they feel they have to fight to protect themselves from being changed and so their ideals become more fundamentalist.

I have a culture too, which I respect but only to a certain extent because like most African cultures it tends to put women on the sidelines of most things. I have always felt that being in this country has allowed me to do some of the things I would not have otherwise done, had I been back home and I appreciate that. And what you say about feeling closer to home the further away you are is also true; there are some foods that are traditionally Rwandan that I never ate when I was over there but I get a real craving for them now because it is almost as though I feel closer to home every time I take a bite and swallow. People do not want to be labelled as the ones who think they are above the rest because they have managed to get to Europe or America, sometimes they continue to practice things that even people in their home country do not do anymore.

Angélique

'I dream of an Africa which is in peace with itself'
- Nelson Mandela -

Parents tend to think about themselves and not the children. The girls are the conduit of their dream of keeping it the way it has always been no matter where they live.

Amie

Parents do not want to be outcasts, especially when they are in a big community and have little influence. They would rather put their children through hell than have their reputation spoilt by going against the norm. This annoys me sometimes, the whole 'what would people say' argument .... So what, if people talk? They will do so whether you are doing wrong or right anyway!

Angélique

'I dream of an Africa which is in peace with itself'
- Nelson Mandela -

Thank you so much Angelique for sharing your experience here. yess,, culture always follow everyone whereever person goes. And culture determines everything like as attitude,behavior conduct,mindset and so on. We most change all of these through our voice making loud.

Live and Let Live
Usha

culture shapes our personalities and the way we present ourselves to the world .... but sometimes people need to understand that culture is not static and it must move with the times.

Angélique

'I dream of an Africa which is in peace with itself'
- Nelson Mandela -

yup absolutely true dear,, it should be changed with time.

Live and Let Live
Usha

The question I always ask my self is: why women prejudice other women? I mean in many societies we see women who suffered and oppressed in their lives, after becoming in a senior position in the social hierarchy of a family or community they tend to suppers younger women. When a mother got married in an arranged marriage, usually she seeks to make her daughter marry in the same way. Every year a number of women lose their lives in Middle East by what is called Honor Crimes!

We can raise our voices, we might go through a bitter fight but we have to for the sake of next generations.

A drop of rain can revive the earth, be the drop.

Hummingbird

you know what I had this discussion with a friend of mine, forget about men - women are their own worst enemies. In offices you see bitterness when a woman is promoted - 'I bet she slept with the boss' .... we cannot seem to be happy when someone does something good for themselves. When we hear about a female running for president, the first thing we ask is, 'what kind of woman is this, doesn't she have children to look after?' And we need to break away from these chains, hold each other by the hand and move forward. We cannot move if other women among us are doing whatever it takes to cripple us. And it is so sad that a woman will stand by her husband as he orders his daughter to be killed because she falls in love with the wrong man. A culture that discriminates and kills has to be condemned.

Angélique

'I dream of an Africa which is in peace with itself'
- Nelson Mandela -

You will find that there are more similarities in the lives of women all over the world than you think or expect.

Keep writing.

Love

Nusrat

it is sometimes easy to get carried away by the glitter and gold that 'developed' countries try to sprinkle on people's eyes to cover the realities ... women everywhere are fighting the same fight.

Angélique

'I dream of an Africa which is in peace with itself'
- Nelson Mandela -

This is a very interesting topic. Granted that women all over the world are striving for a better life, they are also partially responsible to putting themselves down --- as mentioned by the writers above.

Why do women inflict suffering upon women? In China, it's often the mothers who abort or abandon baby girls due to the One Child Policy. It's the sons who get the opportunity for education instead of the girls. In some African countries it's the mothers who consent to genital mutilation of their daughters. Is this due to deep-seeded cultural baggage? Collective pressure? Lacking in education? Lacking in self-worth? Why? How can we change women's attitude of blindly following oppressive traditions? How can we help them to assert their rights and independence?

My documentary "Rise of the Phoenix" tries to address this issue about women in China. It's a work in progress and you can view the demo at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3cvbxXaojg
If you'd like more information or want to support the production of this film, please contact me or visit my project website http://riseofphoenixdoc.wordpress.com

Angelique,
Your story touched a delicate part of my heart.Waow................Destinies,talents,dreams ,ambitions all buried in the tomb of culture.cruelty on women seems to be a global culture.Every culture has something negative to offer womankind.Well,there must be an answer when feminine minds rub on a platform like this.
Thank you
Shekina

It breaks my heart to hear these things.

Angélique

'I dream of an Africa which is in peace with itself'
- Nelson Mandela -

You have a very genuine way of writing truth. I am like in awe how your writing tells so much and i can see ripples flowing to the distance. Culture is so important but still it holds you back from remaining sane. I love your article...
God bless you
Tripti