Finding the Way Back
One year ago, I reverted to islam. I made my Shahada, this is, I testified "There's no god but Allah and Muhammad is His Prophet and Messenger". Doing this, I finished a long lasting search, but at the same time, I started a new one.
I've always considered myself as a spiritual person. This is not the same to say I've been always the best human possible, nor my decisions were anytime the best taken. Even, doesn't mean I've been as good as it gets with people around. At this respect, I am just a human being: A "Maybe" permanently surprised, with good and bads, a natural disposition to kindness and big expectations to fall into mistakes in every step; but also, with the ability to learn from, cause life is a trying-correcting process; if we hit in the very first try, very well!, if not, we learn and go on cause life is always moving forward; is like - Agatha Cristhie said- "a one way street".
My first approach to islam was confused and unintelligible. Was made of phrases passing-catched that a child can remember but not understand: "War...Iran and Irak... sunnis and shias...150 car bomb wounded..." was made also for images of men protesting in the streets, veiled women, sand dunes, a beared man named Ayatollah and a couple screaming in the street with one hand up the body of a dead baby, over a multitude of brown-skinned people dressed in white. Muslims of that time were called in my country "Mahommedans" and the general idea was they all were working cultivating oil that "comes out from the soil as a water main broken, but nothing that you can drink from or play around"...Aparently, they also liked a lot fried fish with potatoes and salad, as my father everytime he ate that dish, used to say: "is wonderful as the meal of an oil saudi millionaire".
After several years, I came to hear about islam at university in one of my classes. What paid my attention the most, was God had chosen a letterless man from arabia to give him a life-changing revelation adressed to all the humankind. In those times,internet and further information weren't available; so I forgot the issue and sent it to a long but light nap in the bottom of my soul. After a while of reflections, I made up my mind and discovered Tawhuid or oneness of God. I was already sure there was only one God. At that moment, my duty was to find what was the path to him. I read every book about religion that during that time have fallen in my hands. I talked to lots of people about the subject. This personal searching took a long time and an extra effort paralel to my day-by-day living.
One day, living in Peru, I passed around 6 hours talking with a priest. After that conversation, I felt more confused and tired and came back to my house feeling deeply dissapointed.I knew I had something big and real in front but I wasn't able to see it clearly. That night, I put the results of my searching and all my questions to the consideration of God. I said: " I do know you exist, I do know you can see me and listen, I do know you answer. You've shown me so many time I am not alone if you are with me. You know I am looking for you. Now I surrender to you and if is your will, send me someone to talk me about your truth and let me see you clearly".
The day after, I was in my friend Nidia's internet store, working on my favorite station, when she came to me saying:" Vanessa, do you speak english? there is someone here trying to say something but I dont understand". That "someone" were a tourist in need about orientations. But actually, was also the answer to my asking for orientation cause he was a muslim. When I finished my explanation he said: "Allah put you in my way". I was shocked...He was so right! but that meeting was about me, about my prayings,about my searching! My heart was close to blow up and I felt a special, invisible but touching connection with the infinite, in that beautiful city called Cusco, in the peruvians highlands, located at 3.600 meters high, filled with churches, monasteries and nuns, where each neighborhood is devoted to a protective holy image... with this I mean there wasn't muslim communities and the presence of a islam believer was strange, also the possibilities this person could find me, cause my place wasn't in the touristical route, so, What can I say? Mash'allah!
I learned a lot from my conversations with that muslim brother sent in response to my prayer. When I moved to Buenos Aires, I just contacted some people in the community and thus, between questions and recommendations,I met brothers and sisters who helped me to complete the process and make my Shahada.
Islam is a way back to Allah, a searching for what we make us eternal and universal. Since I embraced islam I appreciate very much more my relation with Allah, and also I've known and appreciate myself more, increasing my respect about the part of divinity liying on me. Being muslim has improved my certainty about blessing can be found in everyday life, giving me many reasons to feel grateful. I understand life is a true miracle, and a miracle is something that is far from magic and close to divinity.
Maybe, I am not more perfect than one year ago, but I am sure now I am more aware about my imperfections, since they are not "defects" but tests of faith. The wounds of the past hurt me less and less. I am learning to understand the reason and meaning of each of them. I've been learning to forgive but also to place every trangression in place. Islam hasn't made me more passive, has made me more patient.
Finally, after one year, I can define myself in a simple, happy and fullfilling way: I am a woman with a free soul to talk directly with Allah.