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A Stubborn Survivor

I am twice widowed. I am an incest survivor. I am still 30. And I am enduring all that has been debilitating in what every human being called life.

Being a woman has never been easy for me. My childhood landscape expressed of a jagged and desolate space. My innocence was stripped off me. Paternal love and hate became confusing. Trust was elusive. Respect was guilt rather than gained.

I grew wild in my imagination as every inch of my height and every pound of my weight increased. I saw myself stabbing the man who had destroyed me, watched the knife in my hand moving up and down his skin. I never stopped imagining myself pulling and twisting that man's tongue that licked my innocence away. Revenge was a celebration.

I wished I could have done better. I thought I could have chosen better options. Not just to watch the circumstances fade away. But remorse was weaker than the love for a mother who chose to forgive and forget. A mother who saw no wrong of being her husband's wife. To submit oneself, to serve like a servant, to accept humiliation.

I struggled in deep frustration and self-pity. I wallowed in adverse apathy. I wanted to run away and look for a place I would call mine. To reclaim my body and soul. To pick the scattered pieces of my being. But like an anathema, misfortunes stuck in my being. I was deprived not just once, but twice, of a love imbued of pure intentions. To grow old with someone else was a chance that never prevailed.

Some women could hardly comprehend. Others would say it was a curse. One woman said my life is worthy of emulation.

And yes, this is my life. By choice and by nature, I am challenged yet persistent. I could hardly recall getting things my way easily. I must harness wit and intellect to change things and respond to challenges through equilibrium of the heart and mind.

A chronicle of my life would tell me I was naïve and weak. An androgynous mind would think I have allowed things to happen. I would have said I was only a victim of the circumstances. But I am optimistic and triumphant. I must celebrate my life with great enthusiasm. What I am now would tell a lot how I have survived. And my endurance will prevail!

Comments

Myrthe's picture

Thank you for sharing your

Thank you for sharing your story. You are only 30, but you already have a lived an entire life! Yet, you also still have an entire life ahead of you. I wish that that will be filled with strength, love and happiness.

blanch1981's picture

Dear Myrthe, Thank you very

Dear Myrthe,

Thank you very much also. My journey is not yet over. I continue hurdling over temptations and weakness. I am happy I find a community who would give me such a loving and comforting environment.

Regards,
Blanch

Blanche

pheebsabroad's picture

Survival

Is remarkable and it seems as though you have not only survived but have lived as well. I hope you continue to celebrate your life with great enthusiasm as it is remarkable!

Pheobe

blanch1981's picture

Dear pheebsabroad, Yes, I

Dear pheebsabroad,

Yes, I continue to celebrate my life. Although sometimes I give in to some strings that pull me down, I never stayed there but get up and mend what was broken or destroyed. Than you very much for the inspiration and motivation.

Regards,
Blanch

Blanche

Frances Faulkner's picture

Great Attitude

Blanche1981,

You have a strong spirit! I love how you trust in your own abilities to go forward with honesty and conviction despite all you have been through. It would be easy to fall into a dark place, but you seem to know that would not serve you well for long and if you stay connected to issues, rather than focusing only on personal experience, you can rise above it all time and again. Great line: "I am challenged yet persistent." Thanks for sharing.

Frances

blanch1981's picture

Dear Frances, Everyday of my

Dear Frances,

Everyday of my life I am learning. Although almost everyday of my life, I almost commit the same mistake. I went through learning, unlearning and re-learning what it takes to live a life. Nevertheless, I am the owner of my life. Yet, this life I own is even temporarily. MY kids cling to me now because they are still young. But soon, they would tell me they would like to have their own lives. And so, I will be on my own again. Even existence is temporary, so I find no reason to cling on whatever that makes me feel bad. Perhaps I couldn't make it perfect, but at least, I always come to a point when I really choose: to stay and stink or move forward. Thank you very much for the exclamatory statements! I am more than happy to read your comments.

Regards,
Blanch

Blanche

Paulina Lawsin's picture

Wow. what a brave girl and

Wow. what a brave girl and woman you are Blanche. I had goosies reading your story. This reminds me of an old Hongkong film that I saw which said " the past is crap". We learn from it but not dwell on it. What is important is the present moment. Enjoy life now while the kids still cling and kiss you. You have everything that a person needs to succeed. You are beautiful, intelligent and brave. And best of all, you write well.

Welcome with a huge and tight hug from Leyte, Philippines.

Much love,

Pauline

blanch1981's picture

Thanks a lot! Every women's

Thanks a lot! Every women's story is an inspiration. Mine is just a part of it :-) wish to see you one day!

Blanch

Blanche

Paulina Lawsin's picture

Wow. what a brave girl and

Wow. what a brave girl and woman you are Blanche. I had goosies reading your story. This reminds me of an old Hongkong film that I saw which said " the past is crap". We learn from it but not dwell on it. What is important is the present moment. Enjoy life now while the kids still cling and kiss you. You have everything that a person needs to succeed. You are beautiful, intelligent and brave. And best of all, you write well.

Welcome with a huge and tight hug from Leyte, Philippines.

Much love,

Pauline

mystika802's picture

A brave woman

Thank you for sharing this. It takes so much courage and strengt to share these private stories and to have the strength to keep going. You are an inspiration.

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