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Standing Up

On that breezy Friday evening, I rose from that beautiful handmade green chair and felt lost. I knew my heart was hurting but it is the feeling of fear and being lost that raised the alarm bells in my head. I let out a laugh, just to see if the feeling will go away.
I looked for the smallest bit of inspiration and I couldn’t find any. A grown woman should be able to take control of her life. I loudly said to myself “I think I am…am I?” Was it time to see someone and talk about it? Or was it time to take a break and breathe before diving into a life of doctors, medical bills and uncomfortable tests? I had just been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Disease.
Seasons bring out the best in nature. Why were mine so cruel? I listened from within. Even the angels were quiet. I wondered if they were still there or they had also decided to take a break. If it were not for my faith in patron saints names, I would have changed my name as if that would have changed everything. How naive!
Since the day I had picked my medical results and scheduled the date for the laparoscopy, my dreams had become more disturbing. Before, I would go for a week without dreaming and there I was having uncountable dreams a night.
The dreams reminded me of how much I wanted to have a family and children. I needed to take control. I did not know how and this frustrated me. No one I knew was familiar with the disease and so I only had my doctor. I was afraid and compared that feeling with the feeling of being airdropped in the middle of the ocean with no compass.
I gathered my strength, and kept the promise. I went to the hospital on the evening before the surgery. I was not so much afraid of the surgery as I was for what happens after. I later came to learn that taking each day at a time was how to be the best I can be.
I still have to see the doctor every now and then but I don’t feel like I need to prepare for it. Standing up then strengthened me and that is what has seen me achieve both professionally and personally.

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Comments

angels are always there but sometimes we pretend like they are not there because we will be hurting so much. i cant begin to imagine what you went through or the pain and emptiness you felt. what i know for sure is that every question has an answer

stay blessed you are so strong

sibusisiwe

ana hamuka's picture

it's lovely to see your

it's lovely to see your confidence in yourself growing in this story. keep it up!

xx ana

LauraB's picture

Even the angels were quiet. I

Even the angels were quiet. I wondered if they were still there or they had also decided to take a break- this line is poignant and funny at the same time.

Taking one day at a time is courageous. Being with the reality of your life- good for you. I am glad that you are doing well and feeling successful.

Your story is based in strength. Thank you for sharing.

Peace to you
Laura

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