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Standing Up

My Story - Standing Up

“Marriages are made in heaven” they say. I always wondered how such a general statement was made. Every girl has a dream of falling in love one day and marrying the one she loves. But nobody prepares you for marriage and what really lies ahead.

I fell in love and got married eight years back. We met on the internet and though we were from different backgrounds, my family supported me completely. A few days into the marriage, I noticed that he did not care about me or my welfare. Seven months later, he became physically and verbally abusive. “Physical wounds are easily forgotten”, I’ve heard. At least that much is true!

What annoyed me more than anything else was his incessant lying habit to everyone around him, including me. Three years later, I discovered he was having simultaneous affairs with two of his colleagues. His guilt made him extremely abusive and on confrontation, he denied everything. He made me believe that his abusive behaviour and adultery were my fault.

The year after that, he lost his parents and I had an ectopic pregnancy. Life became meaningless and I started completely losing my peace of mind and sleep. Seven years after marriage, we finally had a baby and I thought things would change for the better. I lost my mother within a month of delivery. At this very critical and emotional juncture of not knowing whether to grieve or rejoice, his abusive behaviour heightened. I could not even mourn in peace. I was scared, helpless and was fast becoming a physical and mental wreck. With my husband constantly threatening me in front of our new born, I could take it no more and felt handicapped. As if this was not enough, he forcefully closed our joint account, threatened to make me sign divorce papers, while starting new affairs with renewed vigour. I realised if having a baby could not change him, then nothing would.

On Christmas Eve, last year, while he continued his abuse early that morning, I told him I had had enough and that was the last time he treated me like that. I walked out unaware of what the future holds but owed this much to myself and my daughter. I had to stand up for myself finally. Nobody should be subject to so much humiliation and torture.

Comments

sibusisiweyona's picture

hey you did well

i am so sorry that you went trough all that nobody deserves that and i am really hurt for you. Thank you for being so courageous and you know what you will make it and you will be safe and your daughter will be safe. i am glad you knew that you did not deserve the abuse, some women cannot accept that. I don't know if you have read a book called House for Mr. Biswas by VS Naipaul, its a fiction novel but there is a character in there, her name is Chinta. She used to expect her husband to abuse her and she even bragged about it to be people. I am glad you are not like Chinta, you are special and you have a great future ahead of you, by deciding to be free you have empowered your little girl to stand up for her right

thanks and stay Blessed

simann's picture

Thanks

Hi,

Thanks for your comments. I felt so touched, it brought tears to my eyes. I am still coping with the whole idea of seperation although I have not yet applied for divorce. I am being supported by my family as usual. Sometimes I stay at dads, sometimes at sis's place. I am still sleep deprived but atleast that daily constant fear has gone. I had a voice in me that used to tell me im not wrong. But still he was so convincing and since i was in love with him i kept believing him that i am wrong and its all my fault. Hats off to manipulation. I saw a counsellor this yr to ease my mind and she told me i was perfectly normal and he had issues etc. Hes seeing her now but he still sounds the same. He had asked me to stay home and look after our dog. So i dint have a career also all those yrs since 2007. I felt very financially weak but still am glad that i had the presence of mind through those troubled times to be able to think straight at some point and tell myself that this was horribly wrong. I used to glorify him to my parents etc. that was also his doing. he used to tell my friends n family that he was taking gr8 care of me etc and i was still so suspicious etc. I guess my strengths come from my mother and the kind of upbringing i had otherwise i would have gone mad by now. i have forgotten who i am and what i want out of life. i am trying hard to relook at all that now. but dont get much time as i have a really small baby to take care of. shes 15 months now and shes my biggest strength right now. i feel as if she was the one who opened my eyes to all this the day she was born. it hit me that very day as he was making statements in the hospital yelling "he dint sign up for this". i was so shocked and saddened that a father could say this about his only child after 7 yrs of not having a child, knowing how much he wanted one too. I couldnt understand him at all and i told my self that something was very wrong. My mother was critical at that time and my sister was in a different city and she had to keep shuttling between looking after me, my mom and her son n her family. it was too taxing for her as well. my dad had just gone through an angioplasty and was too old too to do much but he did the best he could by staying at the hospital alone with my mother and handled most of everything alone. My husband made her critical days so traumatic for me, i cant remember which was worse, my mom being critical and passing away or him and his ways. His abuse extended to my sister and her family too. Still my family has not taken any action on him, because they are not the types to punish someone and also because they know i wont like it. i dont believe in being tit for tat. I wont enjoy him going through some pain just because he put me through it. but at same time, i have decided i will not live a life of compromise. he has understood that and has realised he has practially no one for him other than me and baby. I am not at all hopeful of getting back with him. but am not in a hurry to apply for divorce too. anyway, divorce laws say that you need to be living seperately for a yr before you can apply for one. so he has time until then to resolve his issues and i may need to see the counsellor too to deal with my anger, fear, disgust, lack of trust, respect etc for him. If something can be worked out for the sake of the child fine, else i am ready to move on too. its him whose the loser and he knows that now and tries hard to get me back. But i wont be conned again, as i have seen his bad side too. I always wanted to air my thoughts ever since I left home, and was wondering how to and who would want to listen to me or understand me. I am so glad, I chanced upon this website and the feeling i feel now is great. just to be heard. It means so much. I have yet to build back my self confidence, but am getting there steadily. Thanks to the support of my friends and family and everyone who reads this. I want to do something for women and feel the strong urge to somehow open their eyes and make them realise you are all special people, you do not need to take any sort of abuse from anyone. Say no and theres of help out there. Is there anyway I can do something? I feel so strongly about this. I see so many women around me, silently crying and bearing it all.

hey girl
i am very happy that you are using this platform to purge and release the emotional burden that has been weighing you down, its good. it is also good to cry and laugh afterwards. someone who loves you does not manipulate you, they do not hurt you intentionally, they do not lay their hands on you unless they are praying for you and they certainly do not turn your life into a nightmare. someone who loves you respects you and preserves your dignity, someone who loves you wants the best for you and for them your smile is a goal for them. there is nothing wrong with loving your husband, love should not be an opium that blinds you to your rights. Love is also a responsibility and it should be handled and expressed as such. you are definitely not to blame for anything that he did to you and you should be more than convinced of this it is a fact and a true fact.

i am so sorry that you are sleep deprived and i understand what you are going through. insomnia is a bad condition that can rob you of your joy so you must purpose it in your heart that you will not be sleep deprived you will go to bed and sleep and rest and take a load off. you must decide in your mind that you are ok and that you can have a normal life even after all that abuse. it is a decision you have to make my dear cause you know what that man is not sleep deprived, he sleeps every night and you are suffering on his behalf, you cannot have that. the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step so take that step and celebrate every time. it will take a while for you to adjust so take it easy and know that your strength lies in getting up each time you fall.

having lack of trust and respect for him does not mean having lack of trust and respect for who you are and what you can do. you can do a lot for yourself, trust yourself and respecting yourself also means restoring the dignity that was stripped from you. you can do this it is not easy but you can and you will. this is also a decision that you have to make.

your mama was strong for you its now your turn to be strong for your daughter and you know what, you gain strength for yourself in the process. that little girl will tell everyone what a great mam she has and you will be so proud of yourself. this time you will shed tears but the good tears the ones that make you wanna jump and shout and scream

well i think you can always start a support group for women who have gone through what you have gone through and this way you will share experiences and make each other strong. the moment you assume a leadership position you will be forced to act the part and live the part and lead by example. instead of your story bringing tears it will become an inspiration and you dont have to feel alone. You have to be courageous though there are many barriers and obstacles you will have to scale over. or since you are a mom you could volunteer and teach young girls about gender based violence and that no one has the authority to abuse them and this way you can make an investment in all future mothers and wives. these are just thoughts hey if you would like to try it out but do not be afraid.

be blessed you are special and victorious a HERO

Sibusisiwe

Carlotta's picture

Well Done!

I have also read a House For Mr Biswas. Lovely piece of work. I wish you all the best, Sister. Your experience teaches us never to lose ourselves because of marriage. We should continue studying and advancing our careers so that when things become pear-shaped we do not hang around unworthy men just for financial reasons. As you look after baby, try to figure out what you should do about your life because you cannot rely on your folks forever. If you don't have a course, enroll for one, if you have one, just do a short refresher so that you can be marketable. Best wishes!

simann's picture

thanks

Thanks Carlotta. Ill keep all that you said in mind.

it is sad but you will laugh and learn a lot

simann's picture

thanks again

Hi, Thanks for your comments. I am trying to get back my sleep now. Ill definitely try to get myself that book you mentioned. I read your story too. Pretty painful. How is your mother now? How did you cope wid it? You are a remarakable person. Thanks again for all that you said. I keep telling myself all that and am looking trying to get my health back to normal. He still drives me crazy wid his sms's etc but i dont care anymore and i have reached a point where im not afraid nemore too....

God Bless you too!! Take care. Do visit India sometime....

sibusisiweyona's picture

you will be fine

like i said you are a hero and heroes always win. My mother dies 8 years ago its just me and my sister now but we are fine. Expect the SMS's and the phone calls from him because he is gonna call and text and beg and all just be strong through that too it is just a season it will pass ok

stay blessed

simann's picture

hi

mayb v shld mail each other on a more personal medium rather than public posts... wat do u say? my mail id is sims_0505@yahoo.com..... thnx for advice again.. :))

sibusisiweyona's picture

cool

i will send you an email i think its a good idea too hey :)

pheebsabroad's picture

Stand up...

For you and for your child. It is an amazingly courageous thing you have done to walk away from a cycle of violence and abuse. Too many people are lost every year to domestic abuse it is important that people hear your story and know that they too have hope. Best of luck and stay strong, remember this is not just for you today it is for all your tomorrows and all of your child's tomorrows as well.

Pheobe

simann's picture

Thanks

Thanks a lot for your comments.

Myrthe's picture

Thank you for sharing your

Thank you for sharing your story. I am so glad you realized that you deserve better than an abusive husband and father for your child. You did the right thing by leaving him. You are an example for other women in similar situations. I wish you strength and success on the road ahead of you.

ccontreras's picture

We are here for you!

Thank you so much for sharing your powerful story! And I read that you are still undergoing the process of assimilating what is happening, not yet divorced but I truly commend you for doing this for you and your baby girl. I am very supportive of you and I am sure that all of the members of World Pulse are too. Know that we are here to be your support too, you can tell us your fears, your stories, your triumphs. Now it may seem like it's so much to handle, so many emotions but I can tell you that it will get better and your daughter when she is older she will be so proud of you. My mom went through something similar and I look up to her so much, this is why your story brought tears to my eyes because I felt I was reading something so personal to me and I really want you to know that you are special! You deserve the best! :-) Hugs!!

"I embrace emerging experience. I am a butterfly. Not a butterfly collector." - Stafford

simann's picture

thank u all

want to sincerely thank u all for the support n encouragement u hv given me and for the kind words. thanks a lot !!!!

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