Claiming My Gift & My Strength
For as long as I can remember, I have been intuitive, receiving "hits" about things to come. And for almost that long, I've tried to push this ability away, convinced on some level that it will make me different from other people, somehow less able to fit in. When I told others about the vivid images I saw on my wall as a child, adults laughed about my "active imagination." When I relayed the words I heard in my ears, people's faces changed as they edged away, frightened on some level by what I could do.
As I grew into my teenage years, I tried to push my intuition away with drugs and alcohol, but it would always return like a stubborn neighbor when I woke up. My intuition was never going to help land me a job, or assist with practical needs. Instead, masculine skills like competition, negotiation, and rational thinking took over, as I pushed this part of myself down.
In my twenties, I began to read about matriarchal civilizations of the past, their rituals and ways of life. There, female gifts like intuition were venerated, not feared, and people like me assumed positions of leadership as sages and healers. While it felt good knowing that I wasn't alone, I was still reluctant to let this side of my nature out.
I read all the books I could get my hands on, while learning how to direct energy. I let the drugs and alcohol go, and began to walk a little taller. Maybe I was never going to be like other people, but I was a person, and that counted. I began to give readings, a few at first, then more and more as word spread.
The first time I "came out" as a psychic, my knees were shaking. I'd met someone at a party and the words just blurted from my mouth. I half expected the person's face to fall, or for him to demand that I be removed. But to my surprise, he smiled and said, "How interesting."
I can't remember what else we talked about, but I can recall that powerful feeling of standing up for the gift I had done my best to disown. And every day that’s passed since then, when I can't imagine doing anything else for a living, I thank whatever female-loving power helped me say those words out loud.