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Ties that Bind

hi all,i have now been married for the last two years and it has not been easy...of course there is no marriage that is easy....mine has been rocky,rockier and now rockiest at times i want to ask at what stage do you say to hell and move on with your life?

ken is also positive and we knew of our status around the same time...i see him deteriorate as each day passes by and for a fact i know that he will not be here for long.he is blatantly ignorant and does not care at all of course affecting his family.he is a heavier drinker and drinks every day.i dont like it we talk about it every day and there is no change forthcoming...im thinking what if we loose him today what will come of this family?i look at those two boys every day i see those little innocent eyes full of hope thinking and assured of themselves that everything is o.k.everyday that i step out of that house i promise to make a change in there lives somehow...what if daddy is not there tomorrow will life have to change?i don't want it..i have promised myself that it has to be better...somehow.

at times i want to walk out with my two boys...but they need him also..he also needs me.i can not be helping people outside yet i have not solved my own problems...at times he is the reason why i do what i do becourse i feel them..i hope that he changes & soon...for his own sake.

'for richer for poorer in sickness and in health'..i hope that i will be strong enough to a bind in this voes....

Tabby.

Comments

jadefrank's picture

Family

Tabby,

Thank you for continuing to share your very personal story. While we are worlds away physically, I feel very close to you and the others here on PulseWire in that we all struggle in our own ways to do what is good for humanity, but more immediately for ourselves and loved ones. And while some of us, like you, have large visions for the world, it is sometimes most difficult to shape those visions in our own homes.

You are a strong woman and an amazing role model for your children. Your strength and courage motivates those around you and those who are reading your words here. I hope that your husband can learn to see beyond himself so that your children can also have a positive male role model and that he can begin to reciprocate the strength you have been propping your family up with all this time.

Love,
Jade

Lisa's picture

the long courageous path ahead

Tabby,

It is so difficult when people that you care about take up destructive habits as a way of coping. I hope your husband will soon understand again how invaluable he is to his family and, with much courage, will decide to hold onto life, his two sons, and you.

With much love,

Lisa

Dave Alexander's picture

Very Powerful Question

Hello Tabby,

Thank you for sharing still more of your journey. I am deeply sorry for the complexity of it and the pain created by it. You have asked a central question to all deteriorating partnerships, "at what stage do you say 'to hell' and move on with your life."

I know almost nothing, but I will share the two most important parts of the little I have experienced.

The first is easy. We never say "to hell." When we do this, we condemn ourselves as much as we condemn others. I am not saying this in the Spiritual sense, though I believe it to be true there also, but rather in the sense that condemnation separates us from our own compassion. I believe from your previous posts that you have a lot of compassion and, probably, do not wish to separate yourself from it. So I encourage you to do your best to avoid condemnation or condemning action.

Too help with this, I share the following belief that I practice, "In most humans there is a difference between the person and their behavior." In most cases we are worn down, frustrated by, or hate the behavior, not the person. My wife asked me just a few days ago, "when does a person become their behavior?" My answer was and is, "never." For me the ability to Love those who would do me harm comes from realizing that, at their core, they are children of God just like me. That given a particular circumstance, I could behave just like them. My heart can then love them for as long as my mind can keep separate their behavior from their essence. But when I forget, I can condemn or do other things that are contrary to my compassionate nature. And once that starts, it is very difficult to stop.

If you follow me on this then you are closer to answering the other part of your question, the "moving on" part.

Only you know when enough-is-enough and "moving on" is the right action for your family. Let no one compel you to stay or to go apart from your own heart. Seek as much help, as much guidance, as much advice as possible; mix it all in the bowl of your heart, and listen to what comes out. If it is hatred, anger, frustration, condemnation, etc., then your emotions remain louder than your heart and you must go deeper inside to hear your heart. Given the chance, all hearts speak loudly and clearly.

Too help with this, here is another belief that I practice. "What we say makes up a tiny fraction of what our children learn; what we do (and how well and when we communicate it)is all the rest." So, if you stay, what will your children learn by your action that will help them with their difficult decisions? If you move on, same question, what will your children learn? And in which choice lies the greatest opportunity for you to guide the learning? For me there is no right choice; there is no wrong choice; there is only a clear choice that you will recognize when it comes forward through the other feelings.

As a parent, I believe that it is my responsibility to protect my children from anything that would "break" them, that is cause permanent and significant damage. It is my responsibility to convert everything else to learning (for them and me) that contributes to our inner strength and character. "Where is the line? What is significant or permanent?" These answers also come from the heart, and the heart is hard to hear when we condemn, judge, or otherwise lose connection with our compassion.

I am all for anger, don't get me wrong. The constructive release of anger is probably the most powerful technique I have ever used or witnessed for also releasing the judgment that makes it difficult to hear my heart. Emotions, all of them, are a big piece of what makes us human. I believe, however, that they should have influence only, not control, on our decisions. A good decision is made with the heart, the mind, the body, and our spiritual beliefs each and all informing us in a balanced way. And I have noticed over the years that when my heart is truly heard amidst the hustle and bustle of my mind and body, that the whole system goes, "yes" in a very relaxed and releasing way that feels like a gentle breeze of insight.

A few years ago I was helping a fellow, professionally, to make a signifcant life decision. He asked me to do Internet research on decision-making (classes, techniques, strategies, anything) that would help him with this looming decision. I did as he requested, but I asked him one question before I gave him three-inch pile of research. "Instead of weighing all the factors over and over again; what does your heart tell you would make you the most able to be happy and the most likely to let happiness flow through you to others that you care about?"

He could not answer. He had never thought of decisions in this way. In the end, it was answering that one question that brought him to his clear decision; the one he was clear about in his heart, mind, and body. It is the inner judge, the one who places value on everything and cautions us about mistakes, that confuses us. The heart is always clear, we simply have to do two things, hear it and know we have heard it.

In Friendship, Dave...

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."
-- Mohandas K. Gandhi

sallyreb's picture

Hi Tabby, I just want to

Hi Tabby,

I just want to let you know that I am thinking of you. From far away, I am reading your story and thinking of you, your boys, your family.

With love,
Sally

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