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WHEN SINGLE MOTHERS STRUGGLE TO SUCH AN EXTENT THAT YOU HATE MEN

Life has taught me that complaining about things you can never change will lead to a very dark, miserable existence. But the hope to lean on the supreme God has always sustained me. 'Bible'... I couldn't believe how much incredibly important information delivered with heart, hope and laughter is packed in. You must get this book! Often Single women become single mothers through widowhood, adoption, donor insemination, or pregnancy outside marriage. There are so many single mothers in Botswana. However all single mothers I would say are destined to become a parenting classic……….!

I am a single mother and I always make sure that my problems are mine and do not affect my relationship with my children in any way. My daughter will be 8 this year as the first born I have the burden of caring for my 6 siblings. I call them my children ever since my mother passed away.

This world is full of toils and snares, I try by all means to impact positive attitude on my children. In so many ways they have been disadvantaged and less privileged. It has been a great challenge in my life , being single is not a joke. I sometimes tell them ‘I wish you could finish school so that you can start fending food and clothes for yourselves’. Imagine, the rebuking, counseling, making corrections in the family affairs, intervening in their school its me and all that they encounter as youths. I talk a lot with them. I am actually their closest friend. As a parent I realize that I need to be able to show my children the good side of life and I advice them to take heed to my words. But there are times when we single mothers suffer to such an extent that I feel I hate men. Why, because I look at my past encounters and experiences it hurts me the most. It’s really tough being a single mother more especially when it comes to paying school fees , attending parents teachers meetings and other school activities. Fathers here are not supportive despite being taken to court to support and pay the maintenance, it becomes so unbearable. Yet in the long run when these kids have achieved these (men) become their fathers instantly.The drinking habit among some men has held them to be irresponsible.

However my children are like arrows .They are the best thing that ever happened to me. Without them I would never realize all my hidden talents and potentials. Eg, I try by all means to be honest, am organized, am punctual, and am very good at improvising and I can make something out of nothing. In fact I discovered my personality because of them. People in my community respect me, because of what they have seen during the past few years with how i took care of my siblings. Some come by my house to acknowledge me, to pat me on my shoulder just because with the look of things around our communities orphans are so difficult to deal with.

One thing parents should know is that when children begin to grow up, they seek answers, so lets all see our children as a blessing because having children is not planning to buy a house. It mostly happens unplanned, so they are innocent blood. Don’t run away from your responsibility. If you don’t have money to raise your children and you live on a pap, or manna, eat that pap with them joyfully. This is because I believe my presence in their lives is more important than anything material i can or cant give them.

Comments

Ruth Beedle's picture

This makes me think...

Warona;

Thanks for this article that was written, obviously, from the depths of your heart. Children are innocent blood and must be raised with love and encouragement and hope for their future.

One thing you say that makes me stop and think.... is the part about hating men. I think that is part of a vicious cycle we may be in with the men in our villages and communities and countries - all of them - and the world. Men and women are so different and want different things. I am not talking materially or even sexually, but emotionally. I read a book once that was hard,hard, hard for me to read. In essence it said that women want to be loved unconditionally and men want to be respected unconditionally. I am telling you, it was hard to read.

I realized that there was much truth in that, and I had certainly not been treating the men in my life with much respect let alone unconditional respect. The book mentioned that it is something we have to try on faith.... give the respect before it has been earned. This does NOT mean giving permission to abuse physically or verbally or to take advantage of of others - women or children or even other men. Giving respect does NOT mean allowing unlawful and harmful behavior to go unpunished!!!!

But. If we can be respectful to and about men, how will our little boys grow up differently? If they see us acting with respect towards men, will they grow up to appreciate women on a different level? If little boys see respect being given, will they grow up to be men deserving of respect?

This thought of being respectful to men is controversial and every time I talk about it with my friends, the women groan and contradict (about the respect part, not about the part where women want to be loved, interestingly) BUt..... the men, to a one, agree. Most have never thought about it, but when they do.... they agree.

I looked at my marriage and realized that my husband was being treated with a great deal of disrespect by me. We talked, I shared this book, he thought about it and agreed completely. I started behaving differently towards him. And I was stunned to find that my husband, who I had been growing away from turned into a man that I wanted to stay with. Somehow treating him with respect allowed him to become a man who treated me with love and kindness and gentleness.

We have to consider not hating men for their weakness. We might consider understanding they feel powerless, And when they feel that way they act ugly thinking it makes them more powerful. Here, we call that acting like a bully. And most people agree that all bullies are insecure little boys acting out in anger and powerlessness. Consider looking at men as being the ones that, like Fungai pointed out, help us hold up the other half of the sky. And if we can help them be stronger and feel better about who they are, they will be able to do their jobs even better.

Love to you. Thank you for letting me share some thoughts.

R

I am thrilled to see so much wisdom, compassion, and intelligence here. in bot your remarks. My thought is that rather than 'anger' toward men, that disappointment is more appropriate. Somehow (most) men need to become more evolved, need their thinking and actions raised up above the primitive bodily responses, and should be inspired from the beginning.....by the women who raise them....to reach a standard of behavior, toward others, toward women and children, as well as a respect for themselves as evolved humans.
Thanks for the chance to express these feelings.......
best to you both

NatalieS

warona's picture

Thank you mum...

Dear Mum,

Thanks for taking your precious time to read and comment on this post. All i knew was that men are a nuisance, you cant really figure out what they want in life. At the same time we cannot do away with them. They are wonderfully made. They are just amazing creatures that God ever made in this world. But there are so many women out there who have suffered . Without man considering what he has done, i mean as for me men have equal share as women. And they contribute a lot as the heads of the family though i know a lot has changed in this centuary.

So many women around my town are house wives. They depend 100% on their husbands, but with i cant deny the fact that today many unmarried are crying foul due to the burden bestowed upon them, while in their marriages they have this tendency of creating new extra wifes which end up in other women having to support the fatherless.

Yes some men are so good. But as for me i've seen a lot. Some men are cruel. I thank God for raising women who can stand and fill the gap.

Thank you mum for all this.

Humbly

Warona

Thank

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