There is no side to take
"Why do you always take the other side?" I cannot count the number of times this has been said to me apart from my mother, whom I always knew felt I was on her side and would call me her angel.
I could never understand why it was so wrong to try and see the other side, from the outside looking in, as it were.
When we are so close, what do we actually see, surely not ourselves?
I have always been an outsider; the one who dared to speak of family secrets, the one who couldn't identify with peer groups at school, perplexed by the teacher's unquestioning stance that I should want to, the college drop-out, the champion of the underdog, preferring the company of those who are left out rather than those who are in.
I feel suffocated by secrets and the injustice that ignorance of others brings.
I have spent my life trying to make sense of this mirror effect, am I looking out or looking in, which side am I on?
I have also spent my life trying to help others with their 'identity' issues, searching and practising different therapeutic approaches.
The miracle has been in receiving the gifts of profound truths , beyond cognition, beyond our best efforts, that make unlimited and unqualified sense, pertaining to every piece of the puzzle, no matter how jumbled it appears to be.
Three significant awakenings, or timeless turning points, occurred over a number of years through a spiritual journey that finally makes sense of 'my position'. They continue to emit their wisdom having the most profound effect on every aspect of my being, my outlook and my hope:
Feeling the presence of loving support around me, what I knew then in physical terms would have been the safe arms of a father that reassured me that there was a 'me';
Feeling the boundaries lift from myself, that the sky was my best friend and I also was infinite, I became 'other' than me;
Feeling the essence, the very fabric of my soul had split and become connected to everything, there was still a sense of me but I was a part of everything else too, liberation from a limited self.
I believe in angels, that a higher consciousness is all that can really take us beyond ourselves, that we must seek it to really know that our place is truly by each other's side and that there really is no other side to take.