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The Miracle Of Forgiveness

My mind tricked me and I thought I’d known. I thought I’d predicted it. If I had, it wouldn’t be so bad. If I had known before, I could deal with it. When you wallow in denial, dealing becomes truth’s estranged brother who refuses to come home.

It doesn’t seem like such a big thing in comparison to war, poverty and disease. But it is. It was. It will always be. The day I was told I lost part of my voice and part of myself. I ran outside and choked the words into the night’s abyss.

I only came to realise how much I had lost several months after D-Day. Tears became a past time. Always alone, always. My friends drew back from the silent torment in my eyes. Most of them didn’t even know - they could just sense it. It repulsed them. At a time when everyone was throwing their hats into the sky, I kept mine in my hand and watched as hugs passed around.

Oh there were lights in those black seas. My boyfriend, my mother, my brother and the best friend. Yet it’s one thing to have lights and it’s another to embrace them. It took me a year to realise that. A year to embrace life. A year to become me.

Seeing a father embrace another life, another child, another wife – it’s not easy. It’s not easy seeing him spend more time with another family than he ever did with his own. But I don’t think my story is entirely about that. The hardest thing to deal with was losing my innocence. I no longer saw adults in a lime light. A year from becoming an adult I realised that they’re human. Humans make mistakes.

Forgiveness and family are concepts you’d expect to see riding a tandem bike down Never Ending Lane together. Siblings make mistakes, mothers make mistakes and fathers make mistakes. Big mistakes come with bigger consequences. I was just a leaf bobbing in the rainwater, streaming through suburban gutters. I was just caught in the recoil of a big mistake. It didn’t make my father the devil himself. It just made him human.

So I began to forgive.

Comments

Frances Faulkner's picture

beautiful!

Kae,
this is beautifully written and bears a beautiful message -- that of forgiveness - the hardest lesson of all (for me at least). If it only took you a year, I think THAT is a miracle. Keep on teaching what you are so quick to learn, and I imagine many good things will come your way.

Thanks, Frances

amymorros's picture

Forgiveness

The words you use to describe your feelings are so well chosen. Thank you for sharing. We often forget that forgiveness can be a long process and that everyone has their own unique path to follow.

Amy

Amy
@amyinstl

curvesalish2's picture

Yes!

Forgiveness is the key, isn't it? It's like we can lift the heaviness away and make ourselves lighter. Thank you for sharing such a personal experience. Has this experience made you stronger? You mention comparing your situation paling/being less of a thing in comparison to war... I think starting with ourselves outshines everything else.
Thank You,
Caitlin

kaemorrison's picture

Replies

Frances,
Thankyou! I'm hoping if someone else is in a similar situation that they can read this and feel just a little better.

Amy,
Thankyou for the comment, I'm happy you connected with my story - it was hard writing something so personal, but I'm glad I did now!

Caitlin,
Yeah I'd agree with that. It got to the point where I realised that I could either go on hating him - and consequently hurting myself - for years or I could take the harder path and try to forgive. It's definitely made me stronger, it happened after a few other life changing experiences and now I feel like I can handle a lot more than most 18 year olds could. That's a nice thought, I've never considered that. I was hinting at the way that I constantly told myself it didn't matter, when children much younger than me all over the globe have suffered so much more. But that kind of perpetuated the cycle of denial and when I focused on what was really happening to me it was much easier to fix than by merely ignoring the issues in front of my face.

kati.mayfield's picture

Forgiveness

Dear Kae,
You have probably heard this quote from Buddha, but it was a new one to me as of just a few days ago:

"If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete."

You were compassionate with yourself during this process, and because of that introspection, you are gracefully working through your grief.

I very much admire the compassion you give to your father, and the lesson of forgiveness that you shared through this story.

-Kati

*resolved this year to think twice and to smile twice before doing anything*

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