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Introducing myself and my journal: my fog

About Me:
I'm a 40 year old woman with no one to really talk with. I hurt my husband so badly this year because I allowed myself to be depressed. I have 5 beautiful children and a husband who is still standing by me. I need to meet some women that want to talk and be friends.

My Passions:
cooking and chatting

My Challenges:
depression

My Vision for the Future:
being a better wife

My Areas of Expertise:
Human resources

Comments

Sarvina's picture

Welcome to PulseWire!

Hello!

I'm so glad and excited to have you in our community...on PulseWire you can post your free journal, write comment and share experience with women worldwide.

Thanks so much for joining PulseWire!

Warm Regards,
Sarvina

Regards,

Sarvina from Cambodia
VOF 2011 Correspondent

kathy.jackson's picture

Hi

I was doing a quick search out of curiosity for people in the US - mostly wondering what kind of issues we had here at home. Your intro struck me. And then the fact that no one had written anything struck me even further.

What left the biggest impression was your phrasing that you "allowed yourself" to be depressed. Honey, if you are in Human Resources, then you KNOW depression is an illness that you have no control over. Stop blaming yourself!! Go get some help with a professional. There is nothing wrong with it. It will be good for you, and ultimately be good for your family.

I was married with 5 stepchildren, so I know how demanding it can be. Sometimes the stress is overwhelming, even if you DO love them all. What are you doing for YOURSELF outside of the home? Anything that inspires you? gets you revved up? peaks your curiosity? makes you laugh? warms you inside? Unless you take care of yourself, you will simply not be able to give the best to your kids and hubby. I know it's a crazy saying, but it's true - "ain't mamma happy, ain't nobody happy."

Chin up, and let me know how you're doing.
- kathy

chargerrose7's picture

Hi! Thank you for writing. I

Hi! Thank you for writing. I used to find happiness in doing crafts and going running and cooking. Christmas always made me smile. This year it seems I can barely get the energy to pull a smile. My husband and I are having issues over my depression and something I did that hurt him. I've tried to tell him that i understand that I fell into this depression because I allowed his tired and angry comments to make me feel he didn't love me anymore. Tonight I spent cooking with the kids after working a full day and as he was leaving for week he just really expressed his hurt . It made me feel so ashamed of myself again. I miss smiling . The other day he told me I was just feeling sorry for myself. I thought and understood what he was saying and I tried to force myself out of it but I couldn't. I am going to seek out a doctor. I went to a therapist but he really didn't see anything I was saying and agreed completely with my husband. I think I do have a real true depression and it scares me to think that my husband seems as if he wants to leave now. I went thru all of the therapy, marriage classes, church reprimand, I feel very open and vulnerable god I love him so much I hope he stays. I can't do this without him. I'm so scared tonight. Sorry I'm burdening u w my problems. Happy Thanksgiving!

MissyRose

kathy.jackson's picture

pulling up

I'm glad you responded. And I'm not sorry that you told me your problems. Although I do not know the details, I can understand that it's difficult to move through marital transgressions. (Personally, I have never found men in the counseling world to be helpful. They just don't have the compassion that women do.)

How long ago was the event? Things take time for healing; HOWEVER, it has to be a choice for the both of you that you want to come out the other end together. He CAN choose forgiveness. He doesn't have to forget. Just forgive. Trust is another matter... It take so long to get back to that place, and you just have to earn it back again. They're such hard conversations to have! If he truly, honestly doesn't think he will be able to trust you again, then you need to decide if you can stay under those conditions.

And he needs to decide how long (and I really mean it), how long he is going to emotionally beat you up for what you did, because if he can't stop, you will never move through it, it sets a bad example for your children of how men should treat women, and you will continue to be miserable. You ALLOWED his tired & angry comments to make you feel he didn't love you? Of course they hurt you. You would be stone if they didn't. Has he told you again that he loves you? I never have understood why people think that they can be mean and hurtful, say anything they want and then expect to be forgiven, just because it's someone they supposedly love.

The Jews have a "breaking of the glass" during their wedding ceremonies that I have never forgotten. A broken glass can be glued back together. You can drink out of it. It is functional, but the cracks are still visible. You cannot unbreak it. Words are the same way. They can be hurtful. There can be an apology. It is a functional relationship, but the cracks are still there. You cannot UNSAY what was so hurtful.

Were things good beforehand? I would venture a guess that something was missing for you. - not feeling empowered, loved, appreciated, intelligent, financially free, an equal contributor, pretty... Whatever it is, that is where your root work lies. Is your self-worth tied up in what he thinks of you? Were you like that when he fell in love with you? Is he using this event as a way to control you via punishment? (Just questions to think about.) I think you've gone through enough 'flogging'. At a certain point, it's like a torture chamber where you're beaten down, beaten down and then finally beaten into submission of doing exactly what the other person wants without regard to who you are or what your needs are.

I'm glad you're going to a doctor. Maybe they can recommend some good meds and a good therapist who can help you see that you're human. People make mistakes! People learn from their mistakes. (I seriously doubt you intend on repeating your mistake.) Then they move forward. Focus on what you want the end to look like, and hopefully for the both of you that is together! ...and (I'm sorry) if he decides to go, you CAN do this, but it won't be alone. Support will appear from places you don't expect. You are stronger than you think. (And for Pete's sake, don't decide to stay together because of the kids! I know this from experience w/ my parents.)

Hang in there. At some point, I will tell you my story. It's a bit much for now.
Happy Thanksgiving to you, too. Enjoy your children. :)

- Kathy

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