"Put it in the closet like i did!"
"I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more." - C.S. Lewis
I had broken the silence at age 12.
Only to find that it fell on deaf ears.
Told to put it in the closet like i did.
What did that mean?
It took me decades to find out what that statement meant.
Sending me into a shut down, that would keep me silent for way to long.
There was a sequence of events that took place. That took me so long to figure out what had really happened, to silence me.....
I knew that i had to get away from my parents because they were toxic not healthy enough to be raising me.
I did not know what had happened to my older brother. To get him taken out of our home.
Later i would find out that he had stood up for me. What he did got him locked up and later put into a "Group Home Facility."
I did know that he had a social worker, & i knew what her name was.
She is still one of my Heroin's to this day.
I was picked up by a police officer on my way home from school.
He started asking me questions about what was happening at home.
I did not remember until my sister told me that it was her that told him about what i had shared with her.
That is how he found me and knew that something bad was going on in my home.
He had me sit in his squad car, and tell him what my step father was making me do.
I started telling him what was going on in my home. He asked me at that time, the year being 1974. To go back into the home, and initiate the abuse that my step father was perpetrating on me, and get his semen on my hands and run out of the house so they could arrest him in the act.
I still can not believe, that he told me to do that.
I broke down crying, and told him there was no way i would let him do that to me again.
The next day in school.
I was called into the office, and i shit you not they had all the school officials, & several cops. They were all male, & one female was there.
They had me sitting in front of them like a firing squad, interrogating me on what was going on in my home.
I started crying and telling them in detail.
At that point they stopped the interrogation.
In front of all my class mates, they took me out of the principals office, and put me in a squad car, and took me to the police station. Like i was the problem. I was frozen in terror that this was happening to me. I had no one to help me. I was alone.
On the way there, i heard them call my mother at her work. I could hear her say that i was lying. They told her to meet them at the police station.
There my mother came in, and whispered to me. "Put it in the closet like i did". I could not believe my ears.
It took me until i was 28 years old to find out what that meant.
I was sworn into secrecy so that i could find out what had happened to my own mother.
It still breaks my heart to know she could not be there for me. She could not be there for her own inner child that had suffered her own abuse, by two of her siblings also.
To this day i don't know what truly happened to her or by whom. I just know they stole my mother from me.
I will continue to speak out and up for others that have been silenced. Helping them find their strong true voices within.
Honoring their truths. Healing their wounds. Becoming part of the Scar Clan.
As they heal the wounds that are oozing infection, though out their lives, and relationships with others. The wounds get cleansed out, leaving a scar that sometimes still hurts but not as bad as the infected wound of silence does.