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"Put it in the closet like i did!"

"I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more." - C.S. Lewis

I had broken the silence at age 12.

Only to find that it fell on deaf ears.

Told to put it in the closet like i did.

What did that mean?

It took me decades to find out what that statement meant.

Sending me into a shut down, that would keep me silent for way to long.

There was a sequence of events that took place. That took me so long to figure out what had really happened, to silence me.....

I knew that i had to get away from my parents because they were toxic not healthy enough to be raising me.

I did not know what had happened to my older brother. To get him taken out of our home.

Later i would find out that he had stood up for me. What he did got him locked up and later put into a "Group Home Facility."

I did know that he had a social worker, & i knew what her name was.

She is still one of my Heroin's to this day.

I was picked up by a police officer on my way home from school.

He started asking me questions about what was happening at home.

I did not remember until my sister told me that it was her that told him about what i had shared with her.

That is how he found me and knew that something bad was going on in my home.

He had me sit in his squad car, and tell him what my step father was making me do.

I started telling him what was going on in my home. He asked me at that time, the year being 1974. To go back into the home, and initiate the abuse that my step father was perpetrating on me, and get his semen on my hands and run out of the house so they could arrest him in the act.

I still can not believe, that he told me to do that.

I broke down crying, and told him there was no way i would let him do that to me again.

The next day in school.

I was called into the office, and i shit you not they had all the school officials, & several cops. They were all male, & one female was there.

They had me sitting in front of them like a firing squad, interrogating me on what was going on in my home.

I started crying and telling them in detail.

At that point they stopped the interrogation.

In front of all my class mates, they took me out of the principals office, and put me in a squad car, and took me to the police station. Like i was the problem. I was frozen in terror that this was happening to me. I had no one to help me. I was alone.

On the way there, i heard them call my mother at her work. I could hear her say that i was lying. They told her to meet them at the police station.

There my mother came in, and whispered to me. "Put it in the closet like i did". I could not believe my ears.

It took me until i was 28 years old to find out what that meant.

I was sworn into secrecy so that i could find out what had happened to my own mother.

It still breaks my heart to know she could not be there for me. She could not be there for her own inner child that had suffered her own abuse, by two of her siblings also.

To this day i don't know what truly happened to her or by whom. I just know they stole my mother from me.

I will continue to speak out and up for others that have been silenced. Helping them find their strong true voices within.
Honoring their truths. Healing their wounds. Becoming part of the Scar Clan.

As they heal the wounds that are oozing infection, though out their lives, and relationships with others. The wounds get cleansed out, leaving a scar that sometimes still hurts but not as bad as the infected wound of silence does.

Comments

Amei's picture

I feel for u Zaisho

I felt the pain. I know the pain of silence. Thank you for sharing and you are brave in doing so.

The scare does hurt, very true. I am lost at words :-) I am with you to be a voice for the lost voices.

with love
Amei

Zaisho's picture

The pain of silence

Dear Amei,
It means so much for you to understand & to know that pain of silence.
Yes the scar does hurt but it has lessened with time. Speaking out to
others that are still silent is my mission and my purpose.

In my study's i have learned that this has been happening for far too long.
And is still happening today that is why i am stopping the cycle of silence
within my own family and hopefully will help others in their own silence to
speak out and free their own spirits to change their own lives for the better.

There are no lost voices only those still afraid to speak up.

I am not afraid to speak out and i will continue to help others to find their
small still voice within.

Many Blessings my Dear Amie until next time may you find strength within
your soul to keep speaking out for others.

with love & light,
Lisa

"Don't be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold / your own myth...." -- Rumi

"Illuminating the Light of Peace..." --LAMB

Amei's picture

pain of silence ... I need dimmed

Thank you Lisa,

It is extremely difficult to put words to some strong emotions I feel at times. I thought I never had a problem with my emotions. BUT I know I have a problem and I am working on it... it is so hard to express how I feel when I get "that" strong feeling hard to explain and harder to express.

I was and I think I am still scared of something – what I am do not know – It was only last weekend, an emotion, so strong that hit me. I could not make sense of where I was, what I was suppose to do – All I wanted to do was “GO” ... yes Go somewhere, but I dont know where to - my mind goes blank, I can see, hear but I can't make sense of what I here or see. I go zombie!!!

Yet, thankfully it does not last too long I can snapp out of it... ending up with an immense headache, tiredness and a sense of chaos in my mind. I can operate and keep this feeling just for me and interact with others normaly but it takes a lot of time to get back and focus and do something useful. I get impatient and I can feel anger emerging... it is still all under control

I haven’t shared this emotion" with anyone but I feel I can share with you an with WP. Am I making any sense? I am satring with me and in hope I can help others who are silence

Looking forward for your response.

With Love
Amei

Zaisho's picture

Cleansing breaths

Dear Amei,

As i read over your comments again i wonder how you are doing with what you have shared with me.
I know when i feel this way i have to take some cleansing breaths to get grounded and centered. I use to
have these kind of episodes often but they have lessened as i have healed the wounds that were left behind
from the abuse that i sustained as a child.

Let me know how you are doing i would really like to help if i can.

Many blessings to you my dear,
Lisa

"Don't be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold / your own myth...." -- Rumi

"Illuminating the Light of Peace..." --LAMB

Amei's picture

I am doing Ok

I am getting help and working on my emotions. Some emotions have been buried for too long too deep and not sure how these buried emotions are finding its way to surface. Writings helps me. I write about as stories in my journals. I find its Ok to talk about how I feel hear at Worldpulse.

Thank you, Lisa

All the best to you and have a wonderful day

With love
Amei

inspiredshell's picture

Listening

Just writing to say I am listening, and am extremely moved by your truth. Wish I could embrace every woman who has ever felt the pain and intolerable noise of silence.

Shell

With much love & light,

Shell

http://CreativeIndeed.net

Zaisho's picture

Listening

Dear Shell,

Thank you for Listening it means so much to me. To know that my words of truth have extremely moved you is why i have set out on this mission. I too Wish that i could embrace every woman who has felt the pain of intolerable noise of silence.

It has plagued me for far too long. I know that i have helped countless others to find their voices within their own silence and know that there are so many more that are struggling to come forward not knowing that they are still trapped by their abusers. Coming forward is the only way for all of us to Rise Up and claim our true destiny here on this beautiful planet, our Mother Earth. Let us make Joyful Noise and encourage others to Rise Up.

I am here to help in what ever way that i can restoring the natural balance within my self, and in my community, and in my larger global community's.

with love & light,
Lisa

"Don't be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold / your own myth...." -- Rumi

"Illuminating the Light of Peace..." --LAMB

olutosin's picture

I Love your Voice

Oh dear friend, It opens the voice of others and permanent healing into your heart.
Thanks for taking this step, for letting others receive healing through you!
May those archaic interrogation ad investigation styles never visit human territories again!
Keep on writing, we enjoy every dot and cross.

Olutosin Oladosu Adebowale
Founder/Project Coordinator
Star of Hope Transformation Centre
512 Road
F Close
Festac Town
Lagos-Nigeria

https:

Zaisho's picture

I Love your Voice

Dear Olutosin,

You make me cry happy tears by your love and caring for my voice to be helping others and for permanent healing into my own heart. That is so incredible to think that by sharing my own pain can strengthen others and my self.
Thank you for stating this "May those interrogation and investigation styles never visit human territories again!"
I appreciate your encouragement to keep writing it means so much to me to hear that from you.

You are truly a Heroin in my eyes for all that you are doing for others to be free of their own pain. Loving your voice for touching my heart, & others with your own story. You are healing me too, My Dear Sister Olutosin.

with love & light,
Lisa

"Don't be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold / your own myth...." -- Rumi

"Illuminating the Light of Peace..." --LAMB

SLaw's picture

Thank You for Breaking the Silence

You are strong, brave, and resilient. You inspire me. Thank you for reaching out to the "silently hurting." May the "heat" of your voice be a warm and healing balm as it travels from your lips and may it ignite the world into action on behalf of the oppressed and abused.

Zaisho's picture

Healing Balm

Dear SLaw,

You have touched my heart of hearts with your supportive words of encouragement.
I can imagine the flame of truth igniting us into action on behalf of the oppressed &
abused. Your words give me strength to be the brave woman that i have been all along.
I hope to keep inspiring others like you My Dear SLaw to rise up and help where they can.
To give Hope where it has almost disappeared from the face of the Earth.

Spreading the Healing Balm of Love & Light,
your sister from another mother,
Lisa

"Don't be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold / your own myth...." -- Rumi

"Illuminating the Light of Peace..." --LAMB

ayesha arif khan's picture

This was a very brave and

This was a very brave and touching post. I am so proud of you to have found the inner strength to speak up .Don't ever think of putting it in the closet!

Aisha K

Zaisho's picture

Being Brave Healing Hearts

My Dear Aisha K,
Thank you for your supportive word of genuine kindness. Being Brave Healing Hearts is something that i have learned by watch and listening to others that have paved the way to a new beginning that is Emerging right before our very eyes.

I can not tell you how much it means to me to have such a loving support system with you My Dear Aisha K and others giving me the encouragement to share my story's i know that i will be helping others to gain their own strength to come forward with theirs.

Being Brave Healing Hearts with Love & Light,
Lisa

"Don't be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold / your own myth...." -- Rumi

"Illuminating the Light of Peace..." --LAMB

vivian's picture

What an inspiring story.

You have taken a bold step to speak to the world through world pulse. Healing of a wounded heart comes by speaking out to the right person who cares and listens. While reading your story, i sense the pain that have lingered for a long time. it good you have opened up today. Continue what you have started, to speak out for yourself and others. You are touching lives as you do this. Keep it up and retain the strong person in you.

Cheers

Vivian

''Every woman have a story at every stage of Life''

HARMONY's picture

Today

Today I can say something, the anger and pain have lessened. I have been trying to say something without any idea coming.

You are a strong and brave woman. I am always left with anger when I hear of such story, Anger of not beeing able to erase the past and the pain and the aftermath.

But I have hope that together, by breaking silence and empowering women, we are building a better world. Touching lives, changing lives.

Keep up the good work and be the vice of the voiceless.

Trust your HOPES, not your fears... Harmony

Zaisho's picture

Trusting the Hope and Faith in my Heart

Dearest Harmony,

Yes the anger and the pain lessen as time goes by. I have sat on women's circles, for many years. Listened to many stories that have been told, crying tears for their pain, and learning to have a sensitive ear, to what they say, and know what is mine, and what is not. In working with others it is important to do this.

As we build empathy for others, & can be objective with our words, & wisdom that we can share, from our own experiences, we can help them on their own paths to healing, their wounds that they have from what ever they have endured in their lives.

I appreciate your words of encouragement. Thank you for your kindness! I am trusting the hope and faith that is in my heart of hearts that we will have a more safer and happier future for the children and women of our world.
Keep Smiling Dear Harmony i am your friend always.

Many Blessings to you with Creative Love & Light,
Lisa

"Don't be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold / your own myth...." -- Rumi

"Illuminating the Light of Peace..." --LAMB

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