My first period after childbirth is yet to come. It has been almost 2 years from conception. I feel how time has come and gone. And so much has been lived within this "time" that my self feels older than I guess I should. Some weeks ago I casually referred to older woman to a time "when I was young", they simultaneously laughed
-ja! when you 'were' young.
However, growing a being inside me and feeling it ripen and tear from my self and into emergence, unto existence has definitely pushed me into a deeper and unexplored side of myself. There is a calmness and strength that the immediate and overexcited eyes of earlier days could not have let me see. I feel I see clearer.
In adolescence -my aunts call it aborrecence- all was felt with great intensity, but almost always just one feeling at a time. Everything was so important, all imperious. Make it or break it kind of deal. I love, I hate, I fear, I hurt and tear. So much I cried that there are lines on my cheeks that are fairer than the rests from the stream. With same intensity I smiled and made mistakes and love and lost. All I’ve lost to life and to this day only few to death.
Now, after beginning this experience of motherhood I find my self often having two feelings at the same time. In half asleep in the middle of the night wishing she would just give up and the she touches my face and my heart swells, I can't help to smile and swear feel a bit drugged. I still want to sleep but I wouldn’t change it for the world.
I know it could be agued that it’s a hormonal cocktail enhanced by extended breastfeeding (she is 14 months) and by the fact that we were both wide awake without anesthesia or chemical hormones when we met and that triggered an 'impronta'. We are printed in each other.
Her is one of the things in my life that can never de undone.
At that there is a physical explanation does not deny my experience, if ever, the fact that there is fact to my perception only adds to the magic of it all. Just because i can tell you how the sperm reaches the egg and fertilizes it does not mean i can understand the magic of it. While pregnant researching I learned that the sperms runs a marathon to get to the egg, that the uterus has chemistry and can kill sperm, that many get to the egg but when one or more reaches the nucleus others that are left half way, tail out, they continue moving and that movement makes the egg move and reach the endometrium, implant and grow.
I have true passion for these subjects; I feel a work of life in them. If we can heal how children come into this world we can heal humankind.
I’m not the girl I used to be and I’m glad, I’m a woman now. I feel something triggered in me and that I can’t never go back, who I was is no more.
Thankfully I give grace for these changes. I know with certain that each day go deeper and higher into me and that everything that happens will help me in that knowledge until the day comes when I finally realize in experience that I am in everything. And all is in me.
I know that when I’ll die I’ll just wake up*
*can you tell I just saw ‘Inception’?