The path to learning
One of the things I find most difficult about this experience is just talking about myself. I'm practically trained to shut my own emotions, to avoid the sad experiences of my life. So, the materials on this last week, I got deeply. There is a part of me resists, however, to follow these guidelines, the part of me that wants to follow a rationality against which, however, I revealed long time ago because I understood that it doesn't represented me and doesn't offer me a true fulfillment.
Definitely I have been several losses that have made me identify with female identity. When the text recommends to seeking an extended family, I'm a little scary, but I understand that the extended family is not necessarily the biological family because it can be composed by the brilliant and beautiful women who want a change in the world. Although I love my own family, I feel that it is resonating, deep, dark voices want me to stay where I am, and they don't want I change, triumph or threaten the establishment.
My community looks like as a place full of mistakes. Continually, I can appreciate what is wrong in many of the things we say or think. While many women are lost in trying to fit in models that have been preconceived as beauty parameters, others are lost in poverty, despair or pain to see how the violence takes away their family and opportunities . Thus, although there are women "successful" I see them very lost, unable to throw echoes of stereotypes.
In my case I have already told you that I always wanted to be a writer. There is a man who studied with me at school and was probably under the same influences as me and now he is a career writer. I can not get to that step. And I wonder where are the differences between him and me and I must admit that there is a marked difference by the fact that he is a man and I woman, but still the real meanings and implications of this fact is beyond me.
It is also true that I accepted much more job responsibilities at this moment of my life. I accepted, too, to make way for other women, but then I wonder, since my work is so absorbing, if I betrayed my own desires to achieve successes that, in order to account, is also mediocre.
On Being a correspondant, I have to confess that I have the secret hope obtain feminine wisdom that sometimes I have seen, but I know I still resist, by fear and attachment to the past. I want to see if I can learn from the other a little courage, rebellion and also get insights into what happens with me and how to change myself and the community to which I belong.