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Getting out of the rut of default thinking

Here we go again. everytime I have wanted to sit and write, after getting inspired to discuss an issue or post a story of life at that moment, I think "why bother?" "who would want to read it anyway?". "I am just some white girl living in a country with nothing to complain about, so why bother saying anything at all?"

I grew up so self-conscious, and had no voice. I thought I was over that. Then, as I find myself meeting people lately, or wanting so much to sit and write, I revert back to these old thoughts that beat me down and make me little. Sit down, and shut up.

When I was little, I had a grandfather that was sexually....hmm..I don't think abusive is exactly the right word, because I had never labelled it that- I have never thought to put a label on it. I'll put it this way- when my grandmother headed outside to hang out clothes, or whatever she was leaving the house for, he made sure I had just my underwear on. There were porno magazines around the house- like I mean sitting on the edge of the bathtub, in clear view, just the right height for a 4 year old to reach over and take a look at. I don't ever remember him touching me, but I am pretty sure he was touching himself. Ugh. That is just so sick.
I have dealt with it in my own way, but the thing is- I didn't tell anyone about it for 14 years. I have never told my parents. I also think that my grandmother knew, I remember her coming in once when I was in my underwear. She took one look at me, and went back outside. OH, that memory really pissed me off for a long time.
I also had a babysitter, who was quite young herself, just a young teenager, and she used to put a pillow over my head so I couldn't breathe. I didn't tell my parents that either. It is not that I was afraid of my parents, but somehow as a young girl in my family, I learned that it was better if I didn't say anything. I never tried to explain myself, and I learned how to lie, really well.

It is only in the past few years that I have been able to have a voice. And I am so much more confident that it is worth hearing, so it suprises me every so often when this self-doubt happens and I think that there is no point to sitting here and making myself heard. I have always written. I have a box full of journals, but they were for me. When I realized this, it just became so apparent what a blessing World Pulse is, because although my strength is not in speaking out loud at times, I always have a place to sit and write and really let my voice be heard.

I just hope that everyone else who feels like their is no point to writing and making posts can know that it is better to release your truth than to believe the lies that keep your voice down.

Comments

olutosin's picture

Spill the box...

Who said you are just a white girl with nothing to complain about? Who said we are complainant here? we are girls just gistin! Here we come in place our legs on our imaginary center table and start pouring out our souls to one anther because we love unburdening, we do not complain......Read my journal on mentoring.....we gist to long life.......we al have our stories and we are rehearsing our manuscripts.
I am healed and so are you and everyone of us her, now we are celebrating ourselves and laughing at our ignorance, why did I wait so long to leave an abusive relationship, why did I wait so long to leave a house of bondage and we laugh and move on.
But above all, we speak to find way for others.........
We speak to avoid another pitfall for another
and lastly we speak to build a formidable force. In order to encourage those who are yet to find their voice and point to whosoever do not know how these things happen.....
Oh yes another reason, we speak so that perpetrators will know that WE ARE AWARE OF ALL EVIL THEIR METHODS
And we speak because WORLDPULSE HAS GIVEN US BACK OUR VOICE!
Please I want to peep into the pandora box!

Olutosin Oladosu Adebowale
Founder/Project Coordinator
Star of Hope Transformation Centre
512 Road
F Close
Festac Town
Lagos-Nigeria

https:

Darcey's picture

I am at the table

Dear Olutosin

I love reading your reply. I will read through more of your jounal. I love the images you use, and yes, I agree it is for others, and finding strength in our own journey and sharing it.
I am at the table, I have enough to laugh at and move on with. I have 3 children, so I need to find a place to laugh and unburden :)

Blessings!!!
Darcey

thank you.

"A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality."
— John Lennon

Shauna's picture

My friend

My dear dear friend - I Love you - I have not been on World Pulse in a LONG time but something told me to visit this evening and I came across this post. You are one of the most inspirational woman I have ever known. You don't conform and you give of yourself selflessly. You have always been such a brilliant writer and I am glad that you have this venue where you can open up and be free. Keep writing and keep talking and most of all keep rising above all the evil in this world - you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Hold your head high sister!!!!

I Love you
xoxoxox

Darcey's picture

my sister

I was surprised to see your name- I am glad that you came back to World Pulse. Thank You!!
I love you so much too, you are the first person I had ever told about so many things in my life- thank you for being you! Through our friendship, I was able to open up in a way that I had never been able to do before, so I thank you so much for that.
I think it was just one of those things this week. For the first time this week, I realized how whenever I went to write, I heard those same old thoughts that I didn't realize were there. And, I know I am strong, and yes probably don't give myself enough credit for the strength that I do have. I know that I have come a long way, and there is no way I am going back- I feel good, I feel strong, and I think by acknowledging those old thoughts and exposing them, they can't stand in the light- that is why I need to write and make it consistent.

hoping to see you soon,
much love

"A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality."
— John Lennon

Sharese's picture

Thank you!

Darcey!!!

I was literally JUST listening to the cd you sent me (I call it the star tree album because the beautiful picture you put on the front looks like a tree in the shape of a star!) and thinking of you- hoping you are well.

THANK YOU for sharing this. Through your simple statements and words, there is so much feeling, history and emotion conveyed. Your voice is paramount in the world. All of our sisters' voices need to be heard. I know the "I am just a (insert whatever you are), and nobody is interested" feeling all too well- but as you have shown (and as you know) when we raise our voices it gives power to others and then, soon, there is an entire revolution of sisterhood and voices!

I am thinking about you often. I love you and send you peace!

In sisterhood,

Sharese

Darcey's picture

miss you!!!

hey sista!!
are you in the US now?? where are you??
i have but one moment....will write you again through private mail asap so we can keep the conversation going....
MUCH LOVE!!!!!!!!

"A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality."
— John Lennon

laughterlove's picture

This made me cry. Thank you

This made me cry. Thank you for your courage in sharing this. You are such an amazing woman, so powerful, so inspirational. I love you very very much.

For all of life is like that race with ups and downs and all. And all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall.
“Quit! Give up! You’re beaten!” They still shout in my face. But another voice within me says “GET UP AND WIN THE RACE!” DH Groberg

Darcey's picture

so much love!!!

Thanks :)
there is just so much love! Amazing.
I find it better now to speak the truth than to give the past or lies any power. I read over these comments, and the responses are always so positive here, so uplifting- it is hard to stay in a 'stuck' spot after coming to this community.

with much love to you as well

"A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality."
— John Lennon

laughterlove's picture

One more thought

It's not what you say, but THAT you say it. Someone always needs to hear what you have to say.

For all of life is like that race with ups and downs and all. And all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall.
“Quit! Give up! You’re beaten!” They still shout in my face. But another voice within me says “GET UP AND WIN THE RACE!” DH Groberg

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