Getting out of the rut of default thinking
Here we go again. everytime I have wanted to sit and write, after getting inspired to discuss an issue or post a story of life at that moment, I think "why bother?" "who would want to read it anyway?". "I am just some white girl living in a country with nothing to complain about, so why bother saying anything at all?"
I grew up so self-conscious, and had no voice. I thought I was over that. Then, as I find myself meeting people lately, or wanting so much to sit and write, I revert back to these old thoughts that beat me down and make me little. Sit down, and shut up.
When I was little, I had a grandfather that was sexually....hmm..I don't think abusive is exactly the right word, because I had never labelled it that- I have never thought to put a label on it. I'll put it this way- when my grandmother headed outside to hang out clothes, or whatever she was leaving the house for, he made sure I had just my underwear on. There were porno magazines around the house- like I mean sitting on the edge of the bathtub, in clear view, just the right height for a 4 year old to reach over and take a look at. I don't ever remember him touching me, but I am pretty sure he was touching himself. Ugh. That is just so sick.
I have dealt with it in my own way, but the thing is- I didn't tell anyone about it for 14 years. I have never told my parents. I also think that my grandmother knew, I remember her coming in once when I was in my underwear. She took one look at me, and went back outside. OH, that memory really pissed me off for a long time.
I also had a babysitter, who was quite young herself, just a young teenager, and she used to put a pillow over my head so I couldn't breathe. I didn't tell my parents that either. It is not that I was afraid of my parents, but somehow as a young girl in my family, I learned that it was better if I didn't say anything. I never tried to explain myself, and I learned how to lie, really well.
It is only in the past few years that I have been able to have a voice. And I am so much more confident that it is worth hearing, so it suprises me every so often when this self-doubt happens and I think that there is no point to sitting here and making myself heard. I have always written. I have a box full of journals, but they were for me. When I realized this, it just became so apparent what a blessing World Pulse is, because although my strength is not in speaking out loud at times, I always have a place to sit and write and really let my voice be heard.
I just hope that everyone else who feels like their is no point to writing and making posts can know that it is better to release your truth than to believe the lies that keep your voice down.