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To be... or not to be.

Tears fall off my eyes when I remember the discomfort, the anguish and the rage.
All about one morning, I try always not to remember ….
But to let off myself was inconceivable, that awful episode cannot compare to the perilous pleasure intended.
The thought of the poisonous fluid from Kabiru constantly until I made bold to share the story with my husband fifteen years after, made respiration a difficult process for me.

Kabiru my mother’s houseboy or should I say her house keeper tried to estrange me in my parents’ house. I was an innocent teenager, whose mother had to travel a lot to do business in order to support the family and whose father was saddled with the responsibility of feeding the hungry sheep in the church. I was left under the care of Kabiru and other sexual addicts in my extended family.My father has been a very dedicated clergy to a religious mission that cared less about the welfare of its staff and family, so our survival burden was also shared by my mother.

We lived in different places at different times because of the regular transfer policy of my father’s employer and I was always a target of the abusers, maybe because of my unassuming lifestyle. I was fortunate to have noticed the red light when male friends and relatives would request me to visit them without informing my parents, which always got me curious. The most heartless were the patronizing and yet threatening members of my extended family.
The greater the income inequalities, the greater the sexual abuse in the society. My mother’s frequent absence in search of more money probably encouraged Kabiru ‘s immoral decision. Kabiru did not only receive his wages as at when due from my parents but also had welfare bonus he enjoyed from them.

Unfortunately and unknown to my parents till today because I never enjoyed the parent-children communication line as a teenager , Kabiru was not satisfied, he wanted to abuse their teenage daughter .Kabiru would always demand for sex or sexually related activities from me before he would give me my lunch and warned me not to tell anyone.
When sexual abuse enters into a life, it surely does affect every aspect of it. But healthy intervention through my psychological rebirth helped me a great deal. It took me a lot of efforts to decide to get married and now that I have a daughter I do not shilly-shally to educate her on the uniqueness of being a girl.

My daily activities since 1992 have supported and helped girls and young women to enjoy safe and healthy lives. Public enlightenment programmes on sexual abuse among girls and boys have been empowering to the participants.
Basically, to expand my intervention work , TEMIDAYO OGAN CHILD SAFETY AND SUPPORT (TOCSS) FOUNDATION was registered and through its partnership programmes with my personal funds and relevant networking , I was lucky to connect PulseWire and I must say, no regret .

Comments

nilima's picture

Dear freind

your stories has the deep sorrow in it, i am so speechless for the journey that you have succeed to make it to here-where you are now. Please continue to have the strength in you, it doesnt only makes you stronger but i believe that you are the inspiration for many women around the world. you are the true fighter!

all love from Nepal

:)

tocssfoundation's picture

Re:

Thanks nilima, your comment makes me stronger.
We must stop all forms of violence and abuse against children and women.
Regards

Shalom.

Rachael Maddock-Hughes's picture

Courage

We should rename you Courage. It takes exactly this to expose such a heartrending story of your own. So many women that I know have suffered from this unspeakable violence, and we are ending it now and crushing the silence here, on PulseWire. Thank you for moving forward from your own personal hardship to empowering other women and children and trying to create change!

Kind regards,

Rachael

"In every human heart there are a few passions that last a lifetime. They're with us from the moment we're born, and nothing can dilute their intensity." Rob Brezny

tocssfoundation's picture

Re:

Thanks Rachael, your comment is a tool for further courageous movement against violence and all forms of abuse .
The girl is the mother of the man.

Shalom.

patoftroy's picture

I share your pains, i'm still

I share your pains, i'm still going through a process of healing from the experience myself, i'm trying to put it down with the support of my Uncle. If you could suggest useful tips to get completely healed. Thanks.

tocssfoundation's picture

Thanks Patoftroy, you may

Thanks Patoftroy, you may need to accept rather than denial whatever form of abuse it was.If it brings you to tears , graciously do and quickly move towards healing by searching inward to re-define your person , that vivid picture should be allowed to replace the fear and pain of the intending abuser or the abuser as the case may be.

When you are tempted to replay the abusive film on your mind, you may want to talk to yourself ( loud and quiet assertions) and see your real self that can not be abused .To me, these worked and did form my psychological rebirth.This is not pretending about what has happened but a come back fight against the abuser, a fight to take your life back.

So, you'll observe that , it is more of an inner medicine and Patoftroy , I must say here that it is easier when you have a higher power to draw strength from.I do not know your spiritual affliation, but research has shown it that no human survives without any , whatever type of spiritual influence , even not believing in the existence of God is a spiritual affiliation to a belief system.

For me, my spiritual affiliation to God through Jesus Christ helped a great deal, because I needed a higer and stronger personality to take burden off me.

Be strong and dream of a better you.

Loads of love
Temidayo
l

Shalom.

sahar's picture

Misery brings miracles

Your story is very inspiring and I like your determination to share it with us as model and lesson learned to imitate . Thanks a lot for doing this !

Sincerely

Sahar Nuraddin

follow me @snuraddin
--------------
"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."
- Helen Keller

tocssfoundation's picture

Re:

Sahar, I must say thank you to you.
Hope to know more of you.
Peace.

Shalom.

Jacky Kowa's picture

Heart of a lioness! Speaking

Heart of a lioness!
Speaking out is the first step to healing. Hats off to you.Safety and security remains one of the key services in Sexual and Gender Based Violence response and it is one of the challenges that is encountered in our program. How are your services structured.

I applaud your efforts!

Jacky

tocssfoundation's picture

Re:

Jacky I love your kind comment.Thanks!
For the organization service, it bothers on child safety, youth empowerment and family development. Violence against girls( the girl is the mother of the man) is treated from reported cases, approached cases and referrals from relevant agencies.These are rehabilitation programmes.
Most importantanly, we do a lot of work on prevention through our safety programme, empowering the children,teens and women with information on the activities of the abusers and the safety vaccines.

Shalom.

Rudzanimbilu's picture

Thank you for sharing....

I know how that feels and I know how that feels for sure but to allow us to share your voice is an amazing feeling. It's not to say, you are not the only one but you show human resilience. Some people never get out of that situation, they blame themselves and they are told, you brought it upon yourself. I want you to know that you are a change and I wish you all the best in changing the girls in our communities. Thank you for sharing and thank you for taking action.

Rudzanimbilu Muthambi

tocssfoundation's picture

Re:

Thank you my dear friend.
How are the children doing today? Not forgetting you.

Shalom.

Rudzanimbilu's picture

The kids are fine thank you

Just keep on keeping on! Don't give up!

Rudzanimbilu Muthambi

warona's picture

Oh God have mercy

Hell there,

My sister your story touches my heart,that is so traumatising, even for life.My dear the only thing i can say now is that, there is only one hope for you, and that hope is God,where your help comes from,God will level every mountain before you as you continue iun this life.Well i had almost same situation,i thought i will get healed with time but none untill one day i was at church th prophet prpphesied over my life, God of all mercy healed and restored me.Now i can talk without any torture.

So my sister you have a precious life ahead of you and your child to look after.But in situations like this dont give up on God keep praying for he shall restore your lost life ,he shall lift you up and your life will never be the same.However these are the things i hate to see in our communities, not knowing why on earth will someone allow himself to do such a horrible thing

Thank you for sharing your story,God is healing you sis

warona

"success will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time " And when confronted conquer with love

tocssfoundation's picture

Re:

Thanks Warona, you are a fighter.
The Lord bless you and keep you in Jesus' name.Amen

Shalom.

NyamburaFoley's picture

Dear Temidayo

We need more and more women like you to encourage and restore our faith in humanity. I'm only starting to believe in the theory that nothing happens to us by mistake. When i read your journal, i have no doubt in my mind.

Thank you for taking the time to share. I appreciate it.

Warm regards,

Nyambura.

tocssfoundation's picture

Re:

Nyambura,thank you for stopping by with the kind comment.

Shalom.

abella's picture

Our mess our message.

Thank you for using your mess as the message for other to learn from, i know it is not easy even when you are typing those words but I am glad you chose to do so.

Blessings.

I am because we are :-)

tocssfoundation's picture

Re:

Thanks abella for your kind comment.
Regards

Shalom.

Greta's picture

Courage

Just to thank you for sharing your story with such courage.
In so doing, you touch me deeply.

Warmest Regards,
Gretchen

tocssfoundation's picture

Re:

Thanks Gretchen for the kind comment.
Regards
Temidaayo

Shalom.

Lisa T's picture

Comments

Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal story. You do a great job writing about a personal experience and smoothly transitioning to how your journey fits into your personal vision. The only thing I was left wondering about was the public enlightenment programs. I think sharing just a few more details on those specific programs might enlighten your readers even more. I look forward to reading more about TOCSS Foundation and all of the inspiring work you do.

Sincerely,
Lisa

tocssfoundation's picture

Re:

Thank you Lisa for finding time to respond to my post.
The details of my work in TOCSS Foundation were not included in the post because of the word line limit. One of our public enlightenment programme in TOCSS Foundation is called "Down to Earth with Mrs.Ogan".
The quarterly programme brings together young Nigerians within the age bracket of thirteen and thirty and we openly discuss the issues surrounding our unique sexes.The programme is well attended because of the additional free meal included in the prograamme.Many of the abused persons have been lured or threatened into their condition, because not everyone can afford three meals a ady.So, when they know that a free round meal is available they accept the invitation. Some young widows have also been part of our programme.

After an interactive sessions, I and other volunteer mentors speak on different aspects of womanhood in relationship with the opposite sex.Some of our participants with abusive background have been helped to move pass the pain and shame of the past and are happily married/employed/enrolled in schools.We register for free 200 to 400 particpants on each edition.

We also have the media edition tagged "Life 'N' Purpose".This programme reaches over 1million young Nigerians whenever it is aired on Lagos T.V. Channel.

Shalom.

Lisa T's picture

Thank you for providing so

Thank you for providing so much more information. I think that you are doing amazing work! The enlightenment programme sounds very effective and it's wonderful that you're able to provide meals. I hope that your program inspires others to do similar work and develop similar programs around the world.
-Lisa

tocssfoundation's picture

Re:

Thanks for the kind remarks.
Regards
Temidayo

Shalom.

tallybery's picture

Dear, I am here as part of

Dear, I am here as part of the listener group to congratulate you on this assignment. It takes a great amounto of courage to put your story out there the way you did, thank you so much for sharing. I only wish to know a little bit more about yourself and your dreams for the future through your text. You tell us a very strong episode of your life, but your story can not be retricted to this episode. I am glad to know that you are recovering from this trauma and working on helping others who had gonne throught similar stories...That´s an amazing gesture. To make your story more inspiring you could had focused more on your recovering process than on your abuse. I wish you all the best with everything, you are in a very good path :-)

tocssfoundation's picture

About me

Thanks tallybery for your kind comment.
The word line limit did not accommodate my detailed story in this article.However, I would like refer you to my article titled"the journey so far"and I hope you will find my recovery therapy interesting .

About me, my name is Temidayo Ogan, a trained Journalist who now serves as the Executive Director of TEMIDAYO OGAN CHILD SAFETY AND SUPPORT(TOCSS) FOUNDATION, a registered non-governmental organization in Nigeria,working on child safety, including child passenger safety, youth development and family support.
"...Through ceaseless prayers that best describe my sorrows and wishes I finally re-discover, did I just say rediscover? I meant finally discovered myself. I realized how much of people’s unpleasant comments I had allowed to steal me.

I was living before this time to please everybody in order to get their good-natured remarks. I will like to mention that not all good ideas or projects get celebrated at a glance but a steadfast spirit celebrates such lonely ideas and it bears much fruits. Taking back the wisdom of feminine to me is taking my life back, which I did. I cried when I felt like crying but never folded my body in my little room corner again wishing I wasn’t born. I began to dream, I mean dream big, too big to share with uncertain individuals, people that had taken advantage of me and rejoiced in my hurting emotions. Everybody could tell when I was hurt, the tears just kept flowing probably because I expected more than life was presenting to me. I noticed my offenders felt accomplished-Why me I often asked.

People tried very hard to deflate my balloon of dreams and hope, my immediate family members were not left out. I know they may feel I haven’t forgiven them if they come across this article but the truth is, they are not only forgiven but accepted. I have decided to be an agent of change and I started on this mission after I had discovered myself. When I felt unloved I would go on hugging spray, searching for the unloved in the society and giving them the message of love and hope. I initiated friendship with people I was sure could not repay my kindness. Whenever I finished my assignment of giving and sharing, like a dove the people go, not a trace of them again.

I began to feel sad again when I needed such succor at some point; sincerely no one was close to being there for me. I realized I have some strength that was unavailable to girls and women of my age. My peers began to call me super woman; the timid girl has suddenly become a superwoman.

I have made a vow to love myself no matter what the challenges are and to love life too. I have to be alive for my change to come .From the bottom of my heart I want to further my education in fields like human right law, child psychology and to also increase my business investment. I have an inner will to provide for the less privileged, especially to provide formal education because this forms the bedrock of employment opportunities and safety. If my community and the entire world can get basic education up to secondary or tertiary level and some vocational skills that TOCSS Foundation seeks to provide, the world will have less crime and fuller lives. Women will be at peace to dream and our change will come when we realize our dreams.

In addition, I have a vision and mission to expose gender based violence, its nature, extent and consequences through public enlightenment programmes like” Down to Earth “and ” Life N Purpose”To be heard is to be seen , not everyone can come to Nigeria where I work but so many will see Nigeria from my voice and help when and where it is necessary .
I would love to be a voice of our correspondence because my voice on the team will help the people, especially Nigerian women and the girl-child to get freedom from gender based violence and sufferings."

Should you need more information about me, kindly feel free to request for it.

Do enjoy every bit of being a Listener on PulseWire.

Regards
Temidayo

Shalom.

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