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"You"

I wish I could say I love you, but I don’t. In fact, maybe it’s a relief. You gave me life, and I’ve given you nothing. Not now anyway. I tried to love you many times—I used to think I did. But what I once thought was love was simple desperation. I was desperate to be loved by my father. To having loving things said to me. To have a man who thought I was wonderful.

I hated my mother for keeping you out of my life, and when I found out that it was you that gave me up, I knew that she somehow forced you. I swore I’d never do that to my child. I stood firmly in the conviction that every child had a right to her father.

Today I know better. I wanted to know you, and so I began to know you, and it didn’t take long for me to realize that I did not want to know you at all. I don’t ache for the lost years when you were not around anymore, I drop to my knees and give thanks that you never were. Because it hurt me that my daddy didn’t want me, but who would I be had you been there? Would I have ever found a way to stop hurting or would the pain have been too much to bear?

Thank you mom, for protecting me. I’m sorry for the fear you must have lived with knowing how much he could hurt me if he had the chance. I’m sorry I didn’t understand sooner. Thank you for saving me from that monster who calls himself dad.

And to “you”…well… I’m sorry, but I just don’t love you at all.

Comments

olutosin's picture

Hmmmn...If not thanks

Thanks to you for convincing and expressing yourself. There is nothing like the inner you. Can you now imagine how many thousand of people love your voice here? My thanks to your mum too, for being the real mother and to all mothers out there who are doing all they can, to protect their children.

Olutosin Oladosu Adebowale
Founder/Project Coordinator
Star of Hope Transformation Centre
512 Road
F Close
Festac Town
Lagos-Nigeria

https:

laughterlove's picture

Thank you Olutosin. Your

Thank you Olutosin. Your comments always mean a lot to me.

For all of life is like that race with ups and downs and all. And all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall.
“Quit! Give up! You’re beaten!” They still shout in my face. But another voice within me says “GET UP AND WIN THE RACE!” DH Groberg

nkinyanjui's picture

It's great that you are able

It's great that you are able to express everything you have held inside you. Sometimes we are to afraid to speak the real truth we have inside just because we think that we shouldn't be thinking such thoughts. It's great to live the truth of your heart. Mom's are super heros!

laughterlove's picture

It is so true. I'm beginning

It is so true. I'm beginning to see that in spite of all of our differences, my mom is my true hero.

For all of life is like that race with ups and downs and all. And all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall.
“Quit! Give up! You’re beaten!” They still shout in my face. But another voice within me says “GET UP AND WIN THE RACE!” DH Groberg

emanwaseem's picture

Getting stronger

I am so Happy to read your post, as I experienced the same thing. and I totally agree with you it is very painful to to feel that you had been left by someone who had to do anything in his or her power to make you happy. but you wake up one day and you find yourself alone and starting to think what was wrong. was it about you , your mum, or it about all the world. But i think buy writing this post now it means that you passed all that pain and started to think of yourself and in what you can do in that word.and that is very string thing to do and not many people got the power to do it. I think that is all about the life, to be someone who is able to walk in it.

laughterlove's picture

I agree. It is so hard to

I agree. It is so hard to grow up with the belief that your own father does not want you, and to wonder constantly, What's wrong with me? To have believed that something was wrong with me for so long is not something that is easily escaped. The legacy of that continues, but I have learned that it had nothing to do with me. Who he is is who he is...not me.
I pity him now. And I feel guilty for HIS LOSS of ME, but it is not my guilt to bear! He chooses to be who he is, I do not. He made the choice to not be in my life, I did not. So why should I apologize for feeling no desire to even know him now? I shouldn't... and yet I do. Because it must hurt so bad to have a daughter who doesn't want to know you.

For all of life is like that race with ups and downs and all. And all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall.
“Quit! Give up! You’re beaten!” They still shout in my face. But another voice within me says “GET UP AND WIN THE RACE!” DH Groberg

Nisha Karki's picture

hi

sorry to hear that your dad didnt support you but you got more in a single face thats your mom. and your mom is the best mom.thanx to her

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