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EVERYMAN'S REGRET

The moment I arrived and looked around I realized I was in the right crowd. It was a dream. But being such an active participant in the dream I was having I didn't see it as such. It was really happening and the fact that in attendace were men who had also failed in their relationship with women made me sigh with relief. The dream happened after I had been attending all sorts of seminars on good relationships. I think the dream was how The High Source had decided to answer my petitions and prayers concerning a life partner.

A week before this I had met, actually seen, a woman in our local church, singing and dancing. As I looked at her, her flowing hair seemed to leave a halo behind. I was so smitten I wanted to get to know her. And for no apparent reason I soon begun dilly-dallying, looking for a way out from the predicament I suddenly found myself in. I did not know where to start from. The High Source gave His first indication that He was together with me in my dream. He wanted me to rest assured I wasn't walking alone.

Before the dream I had attended another seminar where I learnt that women understand five main languages. And here they are.

(i). The language of physical touch in terms of hugs, holding her hands, running a hand in her hair, etc

(ii). Affirming words of appreciation like "wow, I like your hairweave!"

(iii). Buying her gifts that she really needs like a box of pampers!

(iv). Pampering her by giving her a foot massage, perhaps!

(v). Helping her in the house (by telling her when her favourite TV show is on or when Denzel Washington playing John Q hits the screen!)

But even after knowing all these I was still dilly-dallying. That is why The High Source, just like in the BIble, sent me to sleep. That is why I was dreaming. There I was, in what should be a family court, only there were no women in attendace. It was just men, men, men everywhere you looked. And it was only the ones who had trouble relating to their women. The eunuchs were not there, thank you so very much for asking!!!

There was Samson, David, Adam, Hitler, and there was me!!! And then there was The High Source. I had come looking for a manual on how to relate to a woman. I reasoned that since Eve had been created while Adam was fast asleep, and since he had never asked for a manual (I think that is why manuals exist to help you operate that which you didn't make), I thought it was advisable to seek divine intervention.

The High Source sure has a strange way of answering our prayers. So there I was waiting to get my manual so I could go talk to the choir girl. The High Source called Abraham forth.

"What is your worst fear?" He asked.

"That You were never going to answer my prayers in time so I slept with my maiden!" Abraham said.

"What was your regret?"

"Having failed to wait on You!"

"Next please!" The High Source said.

"My Lord?"

"Yes Adam? Go on."

"My worst fear was Eve."

"And what was your regret?"

"Never asking for a user's manual from you."

"Every guy you see in here James had a problem relating to women. Even David did," the High Source explained. "You have done a good thing coming here for a user's manual. Your wish is my command. I am going to give it to you right now." He said, pausing to call out a name that made me blink. "Where is Hitler?" He asked.

"He is still printing the manual," Adam said. "Oh there he is!" he said after awhile.

Adolf Hitler entered with a three-by-two index card which he gave The High Source who handed it over to me. I was so disappointed it wasn't five hundred pages as I had thought. It was only an index card. I flipped it over and on it were the words PROPOSE TO HER. Then in a flash my dream ended. Just like that.

That is when I remembered it was Sunday morning. I still had time before the beginning of the 10 am mass. I rushed to the nearby supermarket where I bought a ring, a box of pampers (the ones used to wipe babies I figured these could convey that I wanted to pamper her), and a plastic stem of rose flower (the kind sold at the supermarkets to those who can't get the real deal. The flowers are so plastic their plastic glitter can't even attract a daft bee).

When I arrived at the girl's door I knocked then went on one knee the way all fools (I heard this from a song... wise men say, only fools rush in, but I can't help, falling in love with you!!!) do in those romanitc love scenes. Notice The High Source instructed me to utter just one word. "WILL YOU MARRY ME?"

That is all I was supposed to do.
But when I saw the girl
after she had opened the door,
guess what I did?

"Why did you shave your hair?" I cried, as the plastic flower, box of pampers and the ring-box cluttered to the ground. Long story short, the girl of my dreams had shaven her hair bald and it made her lose her attraction to me. She was just like the plastic flower, the one that couldn't attract a daft bee, that had cluttered to the floor.

TO BE CONTINUED....

an excerpt from a book i am writing

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