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Ending Gender Violence - A Perspective of Hope

One day my daughter came home after leaving an abusive relationship. She said to me, "Mom, all he had to do was be nice. Why was that so hard?" That does seem to be the bottom line.

Dynamically speaking there is very little difference between Tyrants and Terrorists. Tyrants have a personal agenda against their families and terrorists have a public agenda against just about everybody. Both are everywhere and they just can't seem to be :"nice" especially to the people who are willingly to love them and care for them. Why?

"Oh," I hear you say, "My father and his father and his father before him all say that women are less important than we are. My Society of men all say that women are not as good as we are. My Religion says men are to rule the women and the women are to be submissive and separate from us. I can even beat her if she doesn't behave the way I want her to behave."

Did it ever occur to you that maybe - just maybe - all these people were lying to you? It is bad enough when people lie to us and it is worse when we believe it.

"It's the way we live and have always lived. What could be the lie?" you argue defensively.

The lie is FEAR. The lie is that we have to live in fear and promote fear.

"I'm not afraid of anything. What is the fear?" you demand.

All fear boils down to this: each human being, male and female, wants to be loved and to love unconditionally. Yet love is what we are most afraid of so we are taught as young boys to beat it, kick, punch it, deform it and kill it. When we act like that, no one really ever wants to be around us. Did you ever notice that? In fact, we are doing nothing but creating our own personal, miserable demise in our head of fearful lies.

"But men are better than women!: you insist.

Men of Earth, tonight take a moment and look up at the night sky. All the twinkling lights we see are planets, stars, asteroids and many other objects floating around in a universe too large to imagine. This tiny planet Earth, that we keep trying to destroy, is just another of these things floating around in this massive universe that we are a part of. Earth is a tiny planet at best. Each of us on this planet is, in this big picture reality of things, no more important than the very tiniest grain of sand. How can any one of us possibly be so arrogantly ignorant as to think anyone of us is better than any other of us - man or woman? It's absurd!

So I asked myself: "What would happen if I chose to be "nice? What would happen if I chose to be a HERO to my family and community rather than a tyrant?" Of course, being a hero meant I had to learn to love myself and others from my heart and not my head. Well, this is a long and an admittedly frightening process of change for me. So to begin, I learned to "fake it until I make it."

I asked myself what would happen if I opened my arms and showed a bit of affection to my wife and kids? What would happen if I stepped aside from my selfish, self-centered self and I said things to my wife like, "I really do appreciate you." "I love you." and "How can I help you?" When I started being "nice" to them and empowering to them and others, people wanted to be around me. After a while, I actually found myself smiling and feeling happy and feeling good about myself. (There is a rumor that feeling good is not a bad thing.) I am happy for the first time in my life and so is my family.

There is an old Cherokee (Native American tribe) story that goes likes this:

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a debate that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Which wolf inside you will you choose to feed?

Comments

Carri Pence's picture

Thanks once again for

Thanks once again for fostering the support that we all need, to be good to ourselves and those around us. I grew up with the story about the two wolves and though I try to feed the good wolf more I see myself giving a little nibble to the evil wolf now and again.
-Carri Pence

Starland's picture

Hi Carri

I, too, do my best to feed the good wolf although the evil wolf sneaks in a small snack once in a while. :) So good to hear from you!

love
K-lee

K-lee Starland, Ph.D.

jadefrank's picture

Feeding the Good Wolf

Dearest K-lee,

I love this solution - as all your solutions are so simple, yet powerful and begin within ourselves. When we can't love and respect ourselves, how can we show affection and respect to those around us?

I hate it when I hear someone say, "People can't change," because I know we can... humankind isn't doomed to continue these cycles of violence. Once we decide that it's enough - and that we're tired of anger and hate and violence - we can work towards creating love and respect and peace. I'm ready - who is with me?

Keep shining the light in the path and soon, we will all follow in creating our own paths that lead to peace. Your bits of advice, wisdom and encouragement feed my hunger for positive, solutions-based reasoning and I always feel joy when your voice is present here in our community.

Love,
Jade

ps. I re-posted this in the Ending Gender Based Violence group. Hope you don't mind ;)

Starland's picture

Appreciate you

Thanks, Jade

I always appreciate your input. Thank you. Hey, I'm with you. Count me in. True world peace begins with one individual at a time. Certainly are a lot of people in this world. hee,hee

love
K-lee

K-lee Starland, Ph.D.

Nusrat Ara's picture

Dear K-Lee, I don't know what

Dear K-Lee,

I don't know what to say, your posts are simply amazing. Simple yet laden with wisdom.

What we need to understand and keep in mind is that the bad wolf is not going to go away. He won't die of starvation either ;). But the good one has to win eventually.

Love

Nusrat

Starland's picture

hee,hee

Well, maybe it's the survival of the bad wold that keeps the good wolf on his toes. Who knows?

hugs
k-lee

K-lee Starland, Ph.D.

Nusrat Ara's picture

Exactly :))))

Exactly :))))

Nusrat

pooza11's picture

Hey . I dont want to read

Hey
. I dont want to read your post in a hurry so just dropped to say hi. Your posts are so helpful and amazing that i love reading it again and again.I wil read this when i get free....A little bg right now but disnt had patience so opened your post.

Love
Pooza

Starland's picture

Hi to you ,too

There is no rush my dear. Take your time. I always enjoy your input when you get a chance to respond.

love
K-lee

K-lee Starland, Ph.D.

Rita Banerji's picture

family

Tyrants have a personal agenda against their families and terrorists have a public agenda against just about everybody.

Absolutely! And many tyrants are within the family. In India's female genocide, most of the people who are doing the killing, violence and torture, are family. see this http://genderbytes.wordpress.com/2010/05/29/what-is-bizarre-about-this-g...

And unfortunately, it is not just fear but also greed. All violence is battle for power. The battle to hold on to power. Perhaps it is this greed leads to fear. Fear of losing power.

Do people who don't want to lose their power always respond to roses and pink ribbons? Would the nazis have responded to spiritual enlightenment? Or the Hutus? Or the Serbs? Or the white apartheid south african government? Would Obama be president today in the U.S. if JFK had not enforced the desegregation law and got killed for it?

Rita Banerji
www.ritabanerji.com

Starland's picture

Tyrants and Terrorists

Hi Rita

Thanks so much for responding. I agree. Those who rise to high government positions in Power Over stance would never listen to "roses and pink ribbons" as you say or even to wolves. Power Over with its many, many issues is a strong drug and an addiction that is near impossible to kick. What amazes me is how so many of these intense tyrants rise to such governmental Power Over in the first place. And they think they are so special. They never last but they can sure create a lot of damage in the mean time.

Maybe some time I'll write what I know about the dynamics of Power Over and maybe you and others will join in the discussion? Maybe in some small way we can then start changing Power Over to Power Within?

Thanks again. I really value your input.

K-lee

K-lee Starland, Ph.D.

Dearest Starland, Your post is an amazing piece and educating. I think I will have to tell this story of Wolf to friends as well as will also use it as an introductory chat when ever I am in my community programs. you know what I am thinking~ this is a trap for all perpetrators.

Feeding the good wolf with style: I will make sure I feed the good wolf with all conviction though not provocative but will make sure that the evil wolf desire being the good wolf and as such, the evil wolf will finally change from his bad attitude (behavior) and then collaborate with the good wolf, and what next? the two wolfs will become one, living in peace,always sharing in one another's bliss and tribulation.

nice try, what do you think?

Thanks for sharing your story with us
zoneziwoh

Stay Blessed

Zoneziwoh

Blog: http://zofem.blogspot.com/

Facebook:Zoneziwoh Mbondgulo Wondieh

Twitter | Instagram: @ZoFem

Starland's picture

choices

While not all agree with me, I believe that when one is given a choice like between the good wolf and the evil wolf, that sooner of later the choice will be mostly with the good wolf. Yep, nice try. Might as well for for it! Keep me informed as to how it goes.

love
K-lee

K-lee Starland, Ph.D.

ArtByMia's picture

Thank you

I love this story of hope and solution and Thank you for the story of the Wolves. I would love to post this in my Womens global voices project in NYC. With your permission it will hang with other letters from women all around the world. Your letter is of great support and speaks volumes.

Hope you will join us in the effort of spreading the voice of all women.

Mia

Starland's picture

yes, of course

Hi Mia

Yes, of course, you may use it. I always figure that if anything I have to offer helps even one person, it is all worth it. The only thing I ask is that the copyright be honored (that is, my name going with the letter.) The story of the wolves is an ancient story and can be found several places on the internet without copyright.

Thank you so much for asking.

Hugs
K-lee

K-lee Starland, Ph.D.

ArtByMia's picture

Thank you

Why of course!!! Your name will be added to the bottom of the letter... Thank you so very much!!! I have collected several letters already but have a long way to go. Your contribution means a great deal to me.

Thank you!!!

Starland's picture

You are most welcome

Let me know how it goes.

K-lee Starland, Ph.D.

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