A less than perfect day - The oxtail saga
Today was not a good day.
I'm on a quest at the moment to stop my negative thoughts which ultimately lead me to comfort eating which then leads to more self hatred. With the help of some very insightful literature I've been able to learn that comfort eating is a way to tranquilize & avoid emotions.
I've learnt so far that no amount of eating or being thin will change my life, there seems to be a misconception in this society that being thin will lead to security, financial gains, better jobs etc, well I'm learning that dieting is not a magical cure. I can't wait to grow, I can't wait until I'm at my "ideal weight" (I say that with some degree of sarcasm)
I have known for ages that the career path I find myself on isn't where I'm supposed to be, the problem is knowing what I want to do.
Earlier today I started to reach for food, at the time of my anxiety I was cooking oxtail in the oven, I wasn't paying any attention to what I was doing, until I found myself chomping into it like there was no tomorrow. I was biting it like it had offended me.
(Before, I would have kept on chomping, felt stuffed, berated myself for being greedy then promptly put myself on a diet. I would have completely ignored what was really bothering me)
Instead I stopped, sat down and realised how incredibly let down I felt, I felt that the only career guidance I received when I was young was from those you wanted me to do what THEY wanted and what suited their ambitions. I now find myself with my blindfold off with no idea how I got to where I am and no idea which path to take. I have sought other's validation in my life because that is what I am used to; I'm used to being persuaded and advised to go in a direction I do not want, but do it anyway to gain parent’s pride & acceptance. I sit here now feeling deflated, a little fed up and still angry, but I know I'll find what I'm looking for soon...hopefully