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Please hold my hand - my story

Please hold my hand – my story

At first glimpse, the phrase “holding hands” immediately caught my attention. It brought a sense of security and warmth. It also brought back memories of the time when the lack of it broke my spirit.

My mother used to hold my hands whenever we would go out. It wasn’t often so I craved for it and looked forward to it. Being the third child among six girls, I was hardly noticed and so those times were not frequent. But it was okay as long as I knew that she would be there when I would need her hand.

Before I even graduated from my sixth grade, my mother said she needed to go away. She was so depressed because my dad was living with another woman. She told us that she would go crazy if we will not let her go. My mother said she had to also go to another country so that she could support us. At an early age I could not understand. All I knew was that I did not like her to go crazy and so me and my sisters willingly let her go. But as I stood at the airport watching her plane until it was like a dot in the sky with tears flowing down my eyes I realized that she will not be there to hold my hands again. It shattered me.

The days and nights that followed became a nightmare. I did not know how to comfort myself, my two year old sister and other siblings who kept sobbing. I could not contain my sadness and the pain that slowly crept inside my entire being.

From that time on, I felt that I had lost a part of myself. I did, because my mom never permanently returned to us. She came for short visits but as the years went by the visits became less frequent. She seemed more and more distant in body, spirit and emotion.

I went through my teenage years and adulthood with so many questions un-answered and so many longings unfulfilled. At the brink of my troubles and frustrations there was a time when I got tired and attempted to take my life but I believe God did not allow it to happen.

My childhood was not easy. That hand that I so longed for was not there when I graduated from my elementary, high school and college days and during the ups and downs of my life. But yes, I understand, or at least I try my best to.

I am now married and have my own children but that pain has never left me. It is like there is still a part of me that is missing … that I am still not complete.

It has been 18 years since I last saw her. All my sisters are now in the same country where she is now. I do not know if their longings have been fulfilled. As for me, I am still here waiting for that time when I will be able to hold her hands again.


Nusrat Ara's picture

It is sad but you need to let

It is sad but you need to let go of her. Let yourself heal. If you can make up with her. And enrich your life with the love of your children, husband , other family members and your love for them.

The Pulsewire community is here to help and support you. You just have to reach out. So don't stop writing.



olutosin's picture

It is sad!

This brings tears to mu eyes, tears for your mother first, which we never reall understaand how she coped. It is not easy to leave your children, your home and I mean for another woman like you which you never really know why she was prefered more than you.
Women Women, I cannot really fathom why it is usually like this, I mean most og the time.
My Friend, and lady blue, you have really tried an amazon too.

Olutosin Oladosu Adebowale
Founder/Project Coordinator
Star of Hope Transformation Centre
512 Road
F Close
Festac Town


The smile of me's picture

Try To forget

I faced a lot of sadness situations in my life i was totally frustrated wishing to die but after all i discovered that we can't repeat the past or choose what was happening to us but we can learn from our and other mistakes to be stronger .
try to enjoy beauty of life, try to have peace in mind and the only way to do that by forgiveness.
fogive ur mam and forget what was happened and remember that ur r not the only one in this world who was suffering
Live the day and forget the past.


ladyblue's picture

Thank you

Thank you so much for reading my post and for your encouragement. You are so right. The past should not paralyze us or make us bitter but it can make us better and stronger persons. I love my mom so much and yes, because of that love I am able to forgive. I look forward to the day when I will see her so that I can hug her and hold her hands and tell her how much she means to me. Thank you Alaa.

laughterlove's picture

your writing is so beautiful

your writing is so beautiful and emotional. Thank you for sharing your soul. I hope for the day you are reunited with you mother.

For all of life is like that race with ups and downs and all. And all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall.
“Quit! Give up! You’re beaten!” They still shout in my face. But another voice within me says “GET UP AND WIN THE RACE!” DH Groberg

ladyblue's picture

hi love

Thank you for your comment. I had that story in my heart for a long, long time and I was crying when I wrote it. I am glad there is World Pulse because through this I am able to write about how I feel ... I am sure this goes with all of you too. I also appreciate your writings. You are so smart and talented. I love the way you use words. take care

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