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Because Of Him

Because Of Him
He grabs my right hand and whispers, “Come now,” and I can smell the familiar scent of vodka lingering on his breath. He shoves my petite and shapeless body onto the full sized mattress that has known me so many days before. He begins undressing me and with every layer of clothing removed from my body, my innocence and self-esteem are literally stripped away. My value and beauty are victimized and betrayed. He grips both of my hands to the sides of my body and intertwines his bony fingers with mine. He lays his white twenty-nine year old body on top of my brown seven year old one and begins to thrust all of his drunkenness inside of me. I close my eyes and imagine myself on a beach in California, lying on the bare sand with only the crystal clear water crashing against my body; in that hallucination my hands are restricted by no one. There I am free. I am jostled back into reality when he unleashes an exhausted moan and rolls over onto his back. A minute later he mumbles, “I’m done. Get out.” and I quickly wipe the semen dripping down my leg so that it never touches the bed. It disgusts me. I grab my blue jean overalls and black and white saddle shoes off the floor and sprint to the bathroom. There I curl my body into a ball and lay naked on the tan tiled floor, imagining myself back on that beach with the water overpowering my body and not my father. The sound of my brothers entering the house makes me anxious and I redress quickly. I peer into the mirror, adjust my curly pigtails, and exit the bathroom knowing that I will encounter that bathroom floor again tomorrow afternoon. Today I am a twenty-three year old woman and the very feeling of someone even touching my hand sends me straight back to the bed where I was repeatedly molested by my father. Because of him I am uncomfortable with a man’s touch. Because of him I still imagine myself on a beach, even while being intimate with my husband. Because of him, I do not like to hold hands.

Comments

pooza11's picture

sad

Hey, Amanda
Tears streamed down my eyes while reading your story. Its sad to hear when somebody gets molested by her own father.I request you to forget you past and start a brand new life with your husband. He is the reason for you to live. Whatever happened,happened. Live in your present and think of your future with your husband and start feeling him and hold his hands. he will show you the beauty of life.

Love and peace
Pooza

jluoh's picture

Thank you for courage

Amanda,
I read your story and am in pain. Thank you for your courage in sharing the story and the world in your heart, the world that many women are living in, or have lived. By sharing, women's hearts are being reached and find comfort in being understood.
Thank you
Jen

JaniceW's picture

Courage

Amanda,
It is difficult to find the words to express the anger and sadness I feel upon reading your story. But I can see that you are strong and have found a way to move beyond the hurt. I believe that by you telling your story, one more voice may feel empowered to speak out and take a stand. You may not hold hands with your husband but better than that, you have someone to hold your heart. With much love,
Janice

harinees's picture

Healing

Amanda

You are a strong woman to be able to write about this. I wish you the very best and hope you can heal your wounds through counseling.

Thank you everyone for your comments!

Kakim's picture

courage

Past its a past. Dear Amanda try to forget about it. You are really brave person!

Frances Faulkner's picture

Honor yourself

Dear Amanda,

This is such a sad and powerful story. How many women have endured similar things and have not had the courage to tell? By telling, you can share the pain with many people and move forward knowing you will live your life in a way that honors others rather than hurting others. Most of all, honor yourself with gentleness, kindness and respect. You are in charge of your own life!

Go forward in strength.

Frances

rizwana's picture

its shocking

Dear Annanda

I can understand the agony you might have gone through..I feeel the most important thing for a woman is her chastity. I wish you could overcome this trauma. May Almighty give you strength....

Dr. Rizwana

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