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Hold my hand. Let me go

Amongst all the voices in my head that clamored to be heard, the one I searched for could not be. That of my own heart. And then one day I heard it and it was frightening for it heralded me away from all that I held precious and away from the safety of home. It was time. After 25 years of loving and mothering I knew I had to leave my family, my sons, to walk a path new and unfamiliar.

The moment of letting go is terrifying- akin to jumping off a cliff. Holding on represents safety, but also death of the spirit. Yet we choose this because we were born on that side of the cliff and know no other. Past generations have lived there, breathed, yearned and died there. I had good reasons to stay too. Could I really not be there when small knees needed to be bandaged, little hurts soothed away, and tumultuous steps into adolescence taken? I wanted to be there for the first crush, failures and successes big and small, the first ideological dispute, the first heartbreak. I did and it was a joy. But now letting go of those loved hands had become inevitable. I was to take that terrifying leap finally.

I tried to explain as best as I could but no words could express a lifetime of waiting. Even when we know those we love are unhappy, we assume that they will just continue to tolerate it one way or another. My sons expected that too. My leaving was a rejection, abandonment. Maybe it was, in a way, but surely the years given lovingly were more important?
But now their adult eyes looked at me with confused, cautious, accusation. Who was this stranger they wondered, this mother who wanted MORE out of life? I felt them drift away to a painful distance. And the unspoken resentments and feelings squeezed chilly fingers around my heart so tightly that my tears froze.

I miss them every day. Surely there will be a time when they reach out- they reach out to me this time? And in the meanwhile, as I live, with the quiet lapping gently about me and the image of myself becoming clearer in my mirror, I know I could not have jumped the cliff any earlier. But also not any later.
Life had called.

Comments

olakitike's picture

Your dilemma is well

Your dilemma is well portrayed in your piece. the words are touching. I hope your relationship with your sons gets better

Seema's picture

Thank you for your comment

Thank you for reading and your comment Olakitike. I am glad my dilemma comes through. I wish you all the best too.

Frances Faulkner's picture

very hard

Dear Seema,

I have heard of a similar dilemma recently from the minister of a local church here (Oregon, USA). She felt called to attend seminary and become a preacher. She left her two teenage boys to do so. They, now grown men, have not necessarily forgiven her for that act. She has been a powerful and effective minister, speaking broad words of wisdom that have appealed to and guided many people of all ages, backgrounds, and even religions, both through her sermons, and in a few books that she has written. She says she has received some criticism for what she did and she knows many people do not understand it, although she would do the same thing again. She has also received great praise for her work. Where does a woman's work begin and end between children and career, between taking care of others and taking care of ourselves?

Thank you for sharing your experience so that we may understand what all women are going through.

Frances

Seema's picture

re very hard

Thank you for sharing that story Frances. It is a heartwarming one and so similar! I aways wondered (and worried) that I would not know my own voice when it spoke. What if I didn't hear it ? Or recognize it? But we do. Just like she did.

Seema

jadefrank's picture

leaving

Dear Seema,

I cannot imagine the feelings that surrounded this difficult choice - perhaps more difficult a choice than I or others will ever make in their lifetime. I wish the best for you and for reuniting with your family and that they will one day understand your reasons for leaving. And I thank you for sharing this very personal story with us.

In friendship,
Jade

Seema's picture

re leaving

Thank you Jade,
I came across this beautiful quote form the Chinese philosopher Chang Tsu and remind myself of this everyday if I happen to ask (myself) where I am heading.

“Flow with whatever may happen and let your mind be free. Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing. This is the ultimate.” - Chang tsu

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