And then...The Marriage
Hey, don't get me wrong. I know I've talked a lot about the rough stuff but you know my boyfriend D. and I have a lot of fun, too. He can be so funny. And he comes up with a lot of fun things to do and places to go. It's true I really don't have any friends of my own anymore but he is all I want anyway.We have lots of good times. Sometimes the good times lasts for months. (1. THE GOOD TIMES ARE SO GOOD...AND THE BAD TIMES GET SO BAD. THE BAD TIMES ALWAYS FOLLOW THE GOOD TIMES)
He's been after me to get married. Auntie is so totally against it. "No! You will end up just like your mother! You will NOT end up another star in the sky! I won't have it! He is a tyrant just like your Dad. No! No! You can't marry him!" I feel so sad when she breaks down and cries.
D. does put me down by calling me stupid or bitch or something but that is only when he is upset. I know he doesn't mean it. And he always apologizes. My Dad used to do that to my Mom all the time but D. is different. D. only does it sometimes. I know that if I marry him he won't do it anymore and we will live happily. I just know it.
In my head I dreamed of a big, pretty wedding on my 18th birthday with me in a white, lace dress and lots of flowers and music and friends and a three-layer cake...
Last night D. said, "When are you going to marry me? I'm getting impatient."
I said, "OK. I'll marry you."
"Good, he said. Let's go." We ended up at a Justice of the Peace. D. wouldn't even listen to my wedding dream. I'm not sure how it all happened but before I knew it, we were married. (2. IN THE ABUSER'S MIND: IF I MARRY YOU, I OWN YOU. SOONER THE BETTER.)
I was happy and sad at the same time. Does that make sense? Well, I can tell you that Auntie was furious. She was so mad she kicked my out of the house. "Since you're married, you go live with him then! You made your bed, you go sleep in it!."
D. got a little apartment for us. I was happy to be married to him. Honest. It's just that I get stressed out sometimes. Like I called Auntie a week or so ago. (I really don't want her mad at me.) Anyway, he asked questions about the whole conversation but he didn't get mad. He just said he couldn't stand her and didn't want me to talk to her anymore. (3.. ISOLATION IS ONE BENCHMARK OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.)
But last night I called her anyway and he came in while I was talking with her. He started yelling and throwing things. He pulled the phone cord out of the wall. The he picked up a vase and threw it at me. The edge hit me in the head. (It wasn't too bad though. I only bled a little.) That's it you see. A situation can be fine one time and then he totally goes ballistic the next time. I just never know what is going to set him off. I feel like I walk on eggshells all the time now.(4. UNPREDICTABILITY IS ANOTHER BENCHMARK OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP)
Tonight wasn't the first time he hit me either. Tonight I made a new recipe for dinner. He didn't like it so he threw his plate of food on the floor. "A fu.....dog wouldn't eat this!" Then he stood up and hit me across the face and knocked me off the chair. "What do you have to say for yourself, bitch, serving me this shit!" he yelled.
I was crying, "I'm sorry," I said. "I won't cook this again."
Nothing I do anymore is ever right or good enough. I just can't please him.
You know what really gets me mad? Most times after he hits me, he brings a towel with ice for the swelling, bruises and bleeding. Then he insists he is sorry and won't do it again. (I don't believe him anymore.) Then he wants to have sex. I never do want to but I don't say anything. That would just make it worse. It's not a loving type of sex either. It's just like rape.
I cry. I can't help it. He hurts my body, my mind and my heart. And he says things like, "..if you hadn't pissed me off.." and "I don't know why you are so upset. It was no big deal. (5 OFTEN THE ABUSER HAS TO MINIMIZE HIS ABUSE AND MAKE IT HER FAULT SO HE CAN FEEL OK WITH HIMSELF.) Well, I tell you it was a BIG DEAL to me! But I don't say it out loud.
We've been married almost four years now. Things are getting worse all the time.
And I'm pregnant.