The girl no one knew!!!
I used to be the girl no one knew, I didn’t even know myself not until January 2008. MY BIRTH-MONTH!! That month, something snapped inside of me and I felt it was time to shed my covering and be me. I’ve always been a big girl and a very healthy one too, but instead of thanking God for all he had given me, I often blamed him for making me the way I am, because I really didn’t know who I was then…… Terrible!
I hid my body in oversize clothes that ended up making me look bigger than I really am. I’d tell people to shut up and stop lying when they paid me a compliment, because I just couldn’t believe that I was anything close to what they were saying…… Shame!
I was indoors all the time, I wouldn’t go to weddings, birthday parties or anywhere that a lot of people would see me, except church, because according to my thoughts, I was going to pray to God to change me……… What was I thinking?
I turned down guys that seemed genuinely interested in me because I figured, why are they interested in me? They must be joking; they probably just want to play around. I wondered what they were on……..cheap weed?
I ran away when people laughed at things I said, when they said “you’re such a funny girl”. I always imagined they were saying “you’re such a fat silly girl” they must have been laughing at me. Why would “Normal” people think I’m funny? I should be nothing but hideous………at best!
Then when the prejudices came, I welcomed them with open arms. Of course it was normal; it was what I expected from people. Sometimes I actually felt relieved when people talked down on me. I imagined they were helping me do what I couldn’t do myself. Standing in front of the mirror and cursing myself was not one of my hobbies…………Believe me!
My mother, sister and friends, constantly told me that I was beautiful and funny and….just great. But I’d usually look at them with raised eyebrows and say…YEAH RIGHT!
The funny thing is, I don’t know what influenced the way I saw myself at the time. Was it TV shows, magazines, who knows? I wanted to be anybody but me. I’d look at people and wish I had their waist, eyes, and nose, anything that looked better than mine……… so I thought!
I love to talk and write too, and ironically I like making friends. But I always thought that my love for these things was to cover up who and what I really was……..Wrong!
When I turned 23, I woke up one morning with a whole new school of thought. It was bigger and better than the old one but most importantly it was mine. I suddenly felt caged, like a bird that needed to be free, it was almost like I was choking. I found out later that I was choking……….on my stupidity***
Why did I think I was less human? Why did I think I needed to change? Why did I think God made some errors creating me that needed fixing? Why was I so silly? These are some of the questions I still ask myself. Apart from the fact that I have the sexiest eyes ever, oh! And I’m quite intelligent too, I don’t mean to be vane but I totally love me now. I’m at a point in my life where I appreciate the people around me, the compliments they give me because I can actually see all the beauty they see……..Wow!!
I tried all the diet plans known to man, but I guess they were not for me. Seeing that I’m not an aspiring model, I’ve decided to live as healthy as I can without starving myself to death. Now I go out, meet new people, and enjoy life with no shame attached. I’m a woman, created by God for a purpose. Without me the world would be so incomplete, so in essence I complete the world and that’s something to be proud of………..I’m a star!
I decided that I will love extra all those that love me instead of wasting my energy bothering about people who are not bothered about me. God be with me because I want to work with him now. We’re going to be partners now……..yup!! God and I
No one knows how good it feels to be me right now, except me of course. I not only feel good, I actually wonder why I didn’t before. First of all I am not my body, my body belongs to me. If I don’t love and take care of my car, no one will how much more my body………………That’s the honest truth!!
Why am I writing this? Probably to encourage some young girl out there who thinks she’s worth nothing to stop wasting time and realize that she is the jewel of the earth. I realized late but not too late, you should realize now that you are who you say you are, because people will end up believing what you tell and show them…………..Trust me!
I really don’t know how to end this story of mine, but I hope that somehow it will help someone, somewhere put an end to their self hate. I hope it will help you realize that you are the best you, no one can be you and that fact in itself makes you special…….Very special!