today in the light
I am surprised by how I got carried away last time I wrote, my first entry in this journal.. Not in the best way, actually.. I titled my journal "building the light" and here I was, concentrating again on the darkness.. I believed in "the story", like Byron Katie says, and I fed my "pain body", like Eckart Tolle says. Both right in my case: I wanted to explain how I got where I am, and I wanted to justify my departing point, while ANY departing point can and should be a clean slate (for me).
So, here I am, giving it another go:-)
My intention is to build the light.
What do I mean by that?
I see that in this world we (I) are (am) so concentrated on what goes wrong. I tend to want to tell (you) about my suffering, about years of misery, about abuse, hunger and loss. I tend to think this is more important to talk about, I tend to believe that this is more interesting for (you) anybody to read.. In that, I tend to go together with the tendency in the news everywhere.
I mean, that is not the way I want to write.
When I was little and in my teens I wanted to become a writer. I wanted to say and write all the words which were bubling in me, like a big torrrrrent they went, filling me up and exploding in my body, so much so that if I did not write, I would not be able to speak, sleep, eat, do anything else.
But: While I was writing I found myself almost all the time incapable of saying about the deep truth of things, first because if I was writing the truth I would put my family in big danger. I grew up in a communist country where speaking your mind was a great threat to the system and could get you and your family in prison, or even worse.. So I kept my mouth shut and the words could not flow on the paper, they just hung on the top of my fingers, accumulating there untill I could not feel my fingers any more, untill my hands grew cold..
Second, going through my teens and 20s, a lot of horrible things happened (to me), and one day I found myself incapable of putting anyhting on paper any more, just because not saying the things that HAD to be said, then there was nothing more to say..
Years and years have passed, I worked hard to integrate and forgive, I worked hard to understand and be able to live with the hardness of my life then. I am now much more loving to myself, and I do not allow that kind of hardship to happen to me anymore. I moved to a safer country (safer for me), I built another life, I am kinder to myself. I am still enourmously grateful to those years of my life when I suffered, and to myself, and I am very very grateful to all the people and especially the sisters that still suffer in this world, cause without them and without my years of pain, I would not know what I know now, I would not be as happy and I would not be able to (want to) step into the light.
I realised that we make a choice before we come to this Earth. We make a choice of how our life will be, of the lessons that we will take. It might not be pleasant or nice when we are here, and forget the choice that we made "up there". For years, I struggled with making a choice to be loving to myself - and with that I struggled with giving myself a better, safer life. I thought: I chose to be born in this country, in these conditions, probably I should stay here. I thought: who wants me? who and why would want to hear my wounded voice? I tought: I am not good for anything, my voice is dead, my education is too insignificant in the western world, my soul is in too much pain, I am too sad, I am too fat, I am too stupid..
Still, I moved.. once, twice, three times, untill I got it right. The horizon is still calling for me, but now I have a child that I want to raise in a safe and stable environment, so at least for now, I am HERE to stay.
And in the mean time I discovered one of the most important things: I WANT ME.
I want me to be happy and safe and to thrive. I love me. I love my healed wounds, I love my healed body, I love my healed heart. I LOVE them (me) even if they (me) are not healed (but it's so much nicer to feel good!). I do not want to write about the "bad" things that happened, or that still happen. I am a being of light, just like anybody else, just like you, my sister, and I want to write about building the light, in me, in and around anybody else, in you. I want to write about being in the light, not about healing, which includes the pain. I want to write about the good things in life, about what makes me happy to be alive (and I am so so so happy to live and have a life in this 3d(imensions) environment).
So I will write about that.
Be in the light, my sisters! Come build it with me. I come build it with you.