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Checklist for Abusive Behavior

For all types of relationships. Can we teach our children? Can our men choose to change their behavior? What do you think?

Does the Agressor:
1. Embarrass or make fun of you in front of others?
2. Put down your accomplishments or goals?
3. Treat you like you are unable to make decisions?
4.Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance?
5. Tell you that you are nothing and worthless?
6. Grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you?
7. Call you consistently or show up expectedly?
8. Drill you on where you were and who you were with?
9. Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse or enticement for his/her abuse?
10. Blame you and/or everyone else for his/her problems and feelings?
11. Pressure you for sex even if you say "No"?
12. Insist that you have no way out of this relationship?
13. Prevent you from doing things you want?
14. Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to "teach you a lesson"?

Do you:

1. Walk on "eggshells" for fear of how the agressor will act?
2. Make excuses for his/her behavior?
3. Feel responsibile for his/her behavior?
4. Alter your behavior to try to avoid a fight?
5. Feel "wrong" and "stupid" and helpless in this relationship?
6. Have trouble eatling, sleeping or focusing on tasks?
7. Fear to leave this relationship? Or speak up against a bully?

In the USA: One out of every three women have admitted to being in an abusive relationship at some time. Every 15 minutes, a women is killed by a spouse or someone she knows. I know that we are not alone over here on this side of the world.

Let's teach our kids the ways of the peaceful warrior NOT THE TYRANT!


malayapinas's picture

Dear Starland, Thanks for

Dear Starland,

Thanks for posting! This is a great food for our thoughts today. Very informative and simple ways to prevent violence at the early stage of life. I will surely use this as guide for my parenting.

More power!

warm regards,

Starland's picture

So happy you can use this

Dear Malaya
I am so happy you can use this.This is the first of a "program"of posting for a non-violence training program I develolped and used a few years ago. I used it in domestic violence, communities and gang violence situations. When my youngest daughter left a dv situation she said, "Mom, all he had to do was be nice. Way was that so hard?" Her statement has been my goal for a long time. I think if we teach it in the homes, it will spread out not only into community but also into adulthood. Nice thought anyway. Thanks so much for your response!


K-lee Starland, Ph.D.

olutosin's picture


The lecture continues, thatnks so much ma, please I am seeking your permision to reproduce this in a handbill to be used in Nigeria.
Pleaselet me know what you feel about this.

Olutosin Oladosu Adebowale
Founder/Project Coordinator
Star of Hope Transformation Centre
512 Road
F Close
Festac Town


Starland's picture

You got It

I would be most honored for you to use it as you see fit. Again, only mention in small print somewhere my desk. :) You are soooooo sweet. How lucky I am to have found you! In the following weeks I will be posting, one at a time the rest of the non-violence program I've used here in domestic violence, community/gangs, etc. Also, Jade Frank and I will be working to put together a non-violence toolkit for people on PulseWire who want. What we call here "preview of coming attractions."

So glad you got the book. Please let me know if it is helpful in your work. No, I didn't know that about your NGO. So cool. (American expression of Wow)

love you

K-lee Starland, Ph.D.

Nusrat Ara's picture

It is a wonderful piece of

It is a wonderful piece of information. I hope more and more people read and use this.

Thanks for the post.



Starland's picture

Thank you

How are you doing, Nusrat? Good to hear from you!
Take good care of you.

K-lee Starland, Ph.D.

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