I was just reflecting on the importance of recognizing...learning patterns, education, empowerment--what ever you want to call this development. I was just thinking how never before I could tell where the bad negative feelings where coming from.
It's amazing to see the chain of effect of abuse, the cycle of abuse as it is called...While living under the reign of dad, it was amazing to see the pattern, like this: He would say how we are all low achieving, never going to get anywhere. He would then leave us with a small amount of money--not enough to do all the thing we needed/wanted--so we would always argue on how to spend it between the two options. After fighting, bad feelings would sprout, and we would all be mad at each other, saying the other is dumb for choosing what they did. Stuck together we then look around, see what we have, and because of the neglect of the house because we don't have the supplies to keep it clean, we feel even more bad. We'd see what we'd do to each other, and feel even worse.
Since they is nothing to do really, you think and only see the side that is going to effect you: life costs money so you can't go forward in it, the system is set up against you(being female, a "minority", and being on the bottom of the "minorities" list), and that your life is having a adverse effect on your growth so it's not fair that you can't grow as well as others who don't deal with this crap. What's worse it that outside your home that the rest of the world seems resigned to their life styles, or being judgmental and impartial to your pain. How at school you can't really explain your dad's a jerk and you can't afford new clothing and books so you just grin and make up some excuse, and everyone blames you mother. (I'm serious, the one they always blamed was mom.) You see the grand(dark side) scheme of things and just wanna quit. It's hard to be strong against such odds.
Everyone reacts in different ways too, to abuse. Some turn their anger at others, while others accept all the blame, while some stay sad and quiet...and luckily maybe one day someone will decide to end it all, break away and start anew.
But, now that I look back on it, now that we are separate from the constant, subtle degrading abuse, that I can now recognize these tactics, about how often and sneaky he was on telling letting us down.
It just goes to show how empowerment can go a long way...like knowing what a beautiful flower that is really toxic looks like, hiding in plain sight amongst the grass and other flowers, so you can avoid it in the future. I guess once you know that it can be better, there's no going back and you can grow to help out others, even if it was scary at first, you'll be all the happier for it. That's what I wanted to share. See ya'.