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Rambles from an explusion

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These are just reoccurring ramblings from my head that I really needed to get down and express somewhere............ (so take this all with a grain of salt or with a 500 pound boulder, either way is fine by meeee!!)

There are a lot of reasons or explanations as to who we are. We are a product of our society first and foremost. There are a lot of reasons I am the way I am. These labels that we let define us in so many ways shape us from the moment we are born. I was born a girl. A girl who is slowly but surely growing and blossoming into the woman that I have and will become. This label or assignment of gender that was given to me at birth has defined me in ways that I am still trying to deconstruct even still today. I am not ashamed of my femininity nor will I ever be, and I embrace this powerful surge of definition every second of the day, but I still wonder why? but I digress...

As I walk through the halls of my university I realize that I am a student. I am here to supposedly learn and explore the realms of my mind, but in some ways I feel limited here. I must say that I am very thankful for my education, my friends, and my mentors, but I believe that the true essence of learning is to discover. I simply cannot wait for the day when I feel like I can truly be set free of this dry organizational mindset. Yes, I learn new things everyday, I discuss, ponder, and expand these frames that have been constructed by my society, but I am still recycling these thoughts never to produce an entirely fresh new rhythm within my mind. There are times that I just want to drop everything and float away, but I remain here, untouched by my dreams, and unmoved by my reality. I tell myself: You are just paying your societal dues, but in the long scheme of things... You are not living the life you love..... But isn't this where it all begins? As I was talking to a close friend about why I feel the necessity to actually break free of this monotonous scholarly tone he says "Well the first step is to disagree with your professors." and I completely agree. You see, I feel as if with each generation what is considered to be of utmost importance usually seems to fade over time. Generational differences will occur with each step humanity takes into the future. Not to discredit my professors in any sort of way, but I will admit that a general bias that protrudes from their mouths. (but doesn't it protrude from all of our mouths??) One thing that I know for certain is, we cannot learn how to live our lives simply from any text book, or through any mentor or guru. And I must remember to keep that in mind. I feel as if we have taken all these thoughts from others, manipulating them through our own lenses, then recycling them out into this world only to call it our own. We are so incredibly diverse that we must realize that there is no right way, and I must get out there in this messy, ripe, passionate world and instead of dipping in my toes, I'll dive right in and truly..... discover.

Why is it that we have separated ourselves in such a manner? Why is it that we have successfully managed to divide ourselves in such a way that there will always be a right and wrong, rich and poor, happy and unhappy, the liked and disliked, the have's and have not's? Going back to the whole student thing, how can we discover, process, and soak in this fresh juicy creative thought in a classroom with an assigned professor dominating the educational hierarchy over the individual student? With these assigned roles and labels placed on any individual, societal pressures cause us to conform, mold, mutate, and divert from the oneness that we all possess...

There are so many ideas that have been constructed by humankind that restrict and oppress us in ways that we are blind to. One major form is money. You may agree to disagree with me here on this, but we simply cannot continue to deny the fact that money is the most oppressive form of ideals imposed on humankind. We in the "free" world (((((this word or concept of "freedom" must be in quotation, that is an entirely separate argument..)))) must wake everyday so that we can go to a mindless job that we've restricted our creative ability in because machines have taken the jobs of our neighbors and colleagues, and we are next. We are in this mindless paper chase because this capitalistic society rules and regulates every aspect of our lives. We are no longer living to work, we are working to live. We are the only species on the planet that is successfully destroying our planet at an alarming rate, and yet we continue to perpetuate these ideals, why?? How can we take a step back and realize what is actually happening to our brothers and sisters in this family called humanity? How can we reunite this world as a whole instead of constructing barriers that divide our spirits further but conquer our souls even more?

Beauty is everywhere, all we have to do is look.
.... With a gargantuan sigh of alleviation and a thank you for reading..

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JaniceW's picture

Stepping back

I think you have answered your own insightful and probing questions, in that to realize what is happening to humanity and to reunite us as a whole demands each individual to question their life and existence, as you so have. I completely understand your frustrations with the narrow constructs and formalized structure of student life but feel strongly that it is not facts and figures you learn, but the ability and mindfulness to question what you see around you. You are obviously already on this path.

It is only through people questioning inequality and lack of social justice that awareness is created, movements are led and ultimately, laws and attitudes are changed. You have found a forum of women who like you, are dissatisfied with the world they find themselves in and are speaking out to bring justice to the silent or unheard. Just by raising these questions, you empower another to reflect on their life and environment, creating a ripple effect whereby they then introduce us to their concerns about issues facing their community.

By posting your thoughts, you have joined hands with many others and added your unique and powerful perspective to the sisterhood of rising voices! It is a joy to be on this journey with you.

I am imagining that you are someone who writes to get out your feelings and thoughts. How great to have this place.
I remember feeling the same way often while I was in school. So much reading of theory that often didn't ring true in
the real world. I am a teacher and when I went through my Master's Program, I found that I learned more in the first week of my practicum than any textbook taught me.

I hope you are finding your connections and places of beauty.
Hang in there with your studies and get enough time out and about in the "real" world so that you can balance it.

Anna Lag's picture

I hear you

I think I went through many many of the same thoughts while I was in college. And perhaps, since exiting college, I am going through even more of these reflections. At times, I step back and look at my life, routines, and rituals and I want to run. And I have done this. I have lived in Prague, in NYC and in Inda and then back again. Ultimately I stayed living in my own flesh with my continual "issues" or conflicts. Life is really funny when you think about it.

But, I do not think that change is accessible to everyone, no matter where or how small the change might be,at any time. And it starts with tiny steps, patience but also passion, determination and playfulness.
It's like you said, we are trapped by social constructs, money, heirarchy, etc.. and yes, sure a textbook, dictator, teacher guru, and so on, will not solve our problems. It starts with us. One tiny individual and just like a clear drop in a polluted lake over time, with many drops added, the ocean can be cleaned.

Keep thinking and questioning and sharing. It is wonderful to see people discussing and venting about these things.

Cheers,
anna

anna lag

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